At 87, I Finally Told My Wife the Truth... After 43 Years of Lying

honestly i wasn't planning to make another one of  these videos but after the last one i got hundreds

of messages people sharing their own stories  asking questions telling me things mattered to

them that they'd forgotten about so first thank  you really your words meant more than you know

now i want to talk about something i've  been thinking about since my wife Eleanor

died you see it's about the lies we tell ourselves  to get through the day not the big lies the small

ones the ones we think are protecting us but are  actually stealing our lives i'm George i'm 87 and

i spent 43 years lying to my wife about something  so small so stupid that when i finally told her

the truth we both sat there in silence for a  long time not because it was earth-shattering

but because of all the years we'd wasted  dancing around it it was a Thursday afternoon

we were sitting on the porch and she asked me  like she'd asked a 1000 times before do you ever

regret not finishing your degree and for 43 years  i'd said the same thing no it worked out fine i

did alright but that day something broke in me i  said yes every single day she looked at me like

i'd suddenly started speaking another language  what i regret it every day i said i regret that

i quit i regret that i was too proud to go back i  regret that i told myself it didn't matter when it

mattered to me more than almost anything Eleanor  put her coffee down she said George why didn't

you tell me we could've figured something out you  could've gone back and that's when i realized what

i'd done you know i'd spent 4 decades protecting  my ego pretending something didn't hurt when it

was eating at me the whole time and in doing that  i'd robbed both of us i'd robbed myself of the

possibility of doing something about it and i'd  robbed her of knowing me fully of being able to

help or support or even just understand we tell  ourselves these little lies constantly i'm fine

it doesn't bother me i'm over it i don't need  help i'm not angry it's not a big deal and maybe

sometimes these lies serve a purpose listen maybe  they get us through a hard day or keep the peace

in a tense moment but when they become permanent  when they become the story we live inside they

start to calcify they become walls between us  and the people we love between us and the life we

actually want i had a colleague Frank who worked  with me for 22 years good man reliable we'd have

lunch together sometimes talk about normal things  you see sports weather what our wives were cooking

for dinner about 6 months after he retired his  daughter called me Frank had died heart attack and

she said something that's haunted me since she  said dad always talked about you he said you

were the only person at work he felt comfortable  around he wished he'd told you some things but he

never did i went to the funeral and sitting there  listening to people talk about Frank i realized i

never really knew him honestly i knew the surface  the version he let me see but whatever he'd wanted

to tell me whatever was actually going on beneath  the pleasant conversations about baseball and pot

roast i never got to hear it and now i never  would that's what these little lies cost us

they cost us connection they cost us the chance to  be known and being known really known by even 1 or

2 people well that's what makes life bearable  maybe even beautiful my son David he's 59 now

came to visit last month we were sitting in my  kitchen and out of nowhere he said dad i need

to tell you something i should've said 30 years  ago my stomach dropped i thought he was about to

tell me something terrible instead he said when  i was in high school and you asked if i wanted

to go into business with you i said no because i  wanted to do my own thing that was a lie i said no

because i was terrified i wasn't good enough that  i'd disappoint you i just stared at him David you

could never disappoint me i know that now he said  but i didn't then and i've carried that around my

whole life the idea that i let you down by not  wanting what you wanted we talked for 3 hours

that day really talked about fears and regrets  and misunderstandings that had sat between us for

decades and when he left i felt lighter than i had  in years not because the conversation was easy but

because it was honest here's what i've learned  the lies we tell to protect ourselves end up

isolating us we think we're being strong being  independent not burdening anyone but what we're

actually doing is building a prison a prison  where we're completely alone with our pain our

shame our unfulfilled longings and the tragedy  is most of the time the people around us would

help if we just told them the truth Eleanor and i  we had a good marriage better than most but after

that conversation on the porch something shifted  we started telling each other smaller truths you

know not big confessions just the everyday honesty  we'd been avoiding i'm scared about this doctor's

appointment i feel lonely even when you're in  the room i'm angry about what your sister said

things we'd been swallowing for years it wasn't  always comfortable sometimes it led to arguments

sometimes we had to sit with hard feelings but it  was real and real even when it's messy is better

than the carefully managed fiction we'd been  living in i see people my age sitting in nursing

homes or hospitals and they're still lying still  pretending they're fine when they're terrified

still acting like they don't need anything when  they desperately need someone to just sit with

them pride kills more relationships than betrayal  ever did pride and the fear of being seen as weak

or needy or less than we want to believe we  are there's a man in my building Walter 82

years old his kids visit maybe twice a year he  tells everyone he understands they're busy it's

fine but i've seen him standing at the window on  Sundays watching families come and go and the look

on his face is pure loneliness 1 day i asked him  Walter have you told your kids you'd like to see

them more often he looked offended i don't want  to be a burden so he sits in his apartment alone

protecting his pride while his life slips away  i'm not saying you need to spill your guts to

everyone some things are private some things  you work through on your own but the people

closest to you the ones who love you or want to  love you they deserve the truth not the polished

version not the i'm handling it version the actual  truth i'm struggling i need help this hurts i'm

scared i don't know what to do when my youngest  daughter called me 3 years ago crying so hard i

could barely understand her i asked what happened  she said i feel like i'm failing at everything i

can't do this anymore and instead of telling her  she was fine that she was being dramatic i told

her the truth i said i've felt that way too many  times it's terrible i'm sorry you're going through

it we talked for an hour i didn't fix anything  i couldn't but she said later that conversation

saved her not because i had answers because i  was honest about not having them either the lies

we tell ourselves about being fine about having  it together about not needing anyone they don't

make us stronger they make us smaller they shrink  our lives down to what we can manage alone which

isn't much because humans aren't built to be alone  we're built for connection for shared struggle for

the relief of being known and still loved i wasted  so many years pretending pretending i wasn't hurt

when i was pretending i didn't care when i did  pretending i had everything under control when i

was drowning and the cost wasn't just to me it was  to Eleanor to my kids to friendships that could've

been deeper if i'd been braver now i don't have  time for pretending i'm 87 every conversation

could be my last with someone so when people ask  how i'm doing i tell them when something matters

to me i say so when i'm grateful i express it  when i'm scared or confused or angry i don't

hide it not because i've suddenly become fearless  but because i've finally realized that being known

is worth the risk of being hurt if you're watching  this and you're holding onto some small lie some

story you keep telling yourself or others to avoid  discomfort i'm asking you to consider letting it

go not all at once not recklessly but start being  a little more honest with yourself first then

with the people who matter tell someone you're  struggling if you are ask for help if you need it

admit when you're wrong say what you actually  want instead of what you think you should want

honestly stop performing being fine and just be  whatever you actually are messy uncertain human

if you're interested in exploring this further  i'd recommend 3 books The Gifts of Imperfection

by Brené Brown When Things Fall Apart by Pema  Chödrön and Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor

Frankl read them they'll challenge you in ways  you need i'll drop the links in the comments

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