The devil told me to murder the girl...

And I remember I was going on a bike

ride one day. I saw Satan and he was

telling me so much things that I knew,

you know, I wasn't good enough and I

could do nothing to to relieve myself of

the pain of the of the mental torment

that I was going through. And I was

agreeing and he said, you know, there is

one way. I asked how. He began to

explain that the only way that I could

get rid of all the bad things in my life

was to kill the girl that I had placed

everything on. He gave me instructions.

I was instructed to leave my house at

midnight. It had to be midnight. To go

to where she lived, to go through her

window while she was sleeping, to bring

a rope and a knife and I go home and I

just keep reliving the instructions that

he gave me day after day. I start

fantasizing about it. I start planning

out how it's going to go. I remember

having the stuff and going to my front

door. Shalom. My name is Lucky. I'm 17

and I'm from Glastford, New Jersey. This

is my [music] testimony.

>> [music]

>> So, growing up, I was baptized Catholic,

but very early on, we stopped going to

church um completely. We never talked

about God. We never discussed religion.

We never discussed pretty much anything

o of that like sector. It was pretty

like everyday like what's happening

today, not what's happening in the

future, not where we're going to go

after we die, not any sort of higher

power or anything like that. My life

before Christ, before I was born, I was

an emergency birth. I had I'd ended up

wrapping the um cord around my neck and

I have a mark from it still to this day.

There's just like a little red spot

right around my neck. Um, and I began

choking myself and I can't remember like

how long my mind was already without

oxygen just because of that. So I I was

a C-section. I was an emergency birth

and

you know things just started happening

very young.

Then my brother was born 2 years after

me and then two years after him my

sister was born.

And when my sister was born,

she she was also a C-section. We we were

all C-sectioned. Um but the doctor who

was paying attention to my mother's

oxygen levels during my sister's birth

was looking away. So my mother went

without oxygen to her brain for however

many minutes. and she ended up suffering

a noxic brain injury resulting in total

neuropathy from the waist down. She

can't feel anything, couldn't really

move anything. Um,

her cognitive ability declined. She

couldn't really put sentences together.

She stopped being able to speak right.

Words just wouldn't come out. Uh, her

memory,

she she has a lot of memory loss. She

doesn't remember who we are sometimes.

her mood went up and down. There would

be seizures at most like four or six

times a year where she would just be in

the hospital for seizures about a two

week span for each.

Um,

you know, she had motor motor skill

failure.

Her hands wouldn't work. She couldn't

really speak. You know, her eyesight was

already bad. Her hearing was already

bad. and that just worsened with all the

issues

and it's just been a decline really. You

know, she used to be with a used to be

with a cane and now she's with a walker

and even now if we ever take her

outside, which is rare, it's a scooter,

you know,

and it's it's mainly just carrying her

around the house at this point, but that

happened when I was four.

So, you know, I was four. I had two

younger siblings. My father, he, you

know, he does so much, but he always

kind of struggled with alcoholism. You

know, there were nights where

we wouldn't know when when he was coming

home

and

like none of us had any way to contact

him because we were so young and my

mother was, you know, unable.

So there there's nights where he's

coming home drunk. He's he's been at the

bar. We haven't seen him for however

long. And at the same time, he ended up

leaving his job to take care of my

mother. So there'd be times where we we

wouldn't see him all day. Like he has

nowhere to be, but he just wouldn't be

home.

So from a very young age, I had to step

up. I had to start taking care of my

mother. I had to start taking care of my

siblings.

Um,

you know, just very young. And it was

basic stuff at first,

like I I can't even remember, but it it

was basic stuff, but as the years went

on, it was just more and more and more.

And

my mother because of what happened to

her,

she almost

like hated my sister in a sense. Like I

remember multiple occasions growing up

where my mother would like grab my

sister and then she was just born

and she would almost like try to

strangle her in a sense like she'd place

her hands around her neck and

my my sister again very young is

flailing around. She can't do anything.

She's just a baby.

Um, and that went on for a really long

time. And we were also at this time in a

one-bedroom apartment, so we would all

like sleep in the same room,

do whatnot. Um,

so it was just really hard cuz

we we ended up like selling the one bed

we had for like a bunk bed and

no one would sleep on top. But my mother

would sleep on the bottom bunk. So my

father, my my sister had a crib at this

point, but my sister, my brother, we'd

all pretty much sleep on the floor every

night. Um, you know, which feels nice

sometimes, but not not every single

night. And then like I also remember it

was very it was very dirty like you know

we never really had time or I never

really had time to clean and I didn't

know what I was doing. Like I was so

young so we'd be sleeping on the floor

and there's bugs crawling all over.

Um you know I didn't get enough sleep.

Didn't get a lot of sleep most nights

and then you know next year. So, I'm

five. I go into kindergarten.

And

I I remember meeting meeting this girl.

Her name was Mia. And we we became like

we became best friends. We we would talk

to each other all the time.

We we would always be around each other.

And

you know, I I wouldn't talk to anyone

else. I I was isolated outside of that

because I had responsibilities at home.

If I didn't do what needed to be done,

things didn't get done.

So, at school, it was just this one

person. And it was very interesting cuz

I forgot about this for a very long

time. But [sighs]

um

we we figured out that like kind of if

we closed our eyes for a really long

time and hard enough that we would begin

to just see images

and we thought, hey, this is really

cool, so let's start doing that. Um, I

remember just going home

a [clears throat] after being in school

with her and you know just writing the

things I saw like scribbling because I

was five and even my handwriting now

isn't so good. So very very loose

scribbles of what I had seen and she did

the same and then we'd come into school

the next day and we'd just we just talk

about that

and like we were five. I remember one

day she tells me that she's going to

move

and we've known each other for like a

few months. We haven't even known each

other for that long. But she tells me

she's going to move after Christmas and

we're not going to have any way of

staying in contact.

So I I didn't really

process it then, I guess. But I remember

going home that night and doing the same

thing that we would do, which close our

eyes, see what we saw. And I had seen

three images.

The first one was of a family traveling.

The second one was of them getting into

an accident, and the third one was

death.

And

I I didn't say that to her for whatever

reason. I didn't understand it, but I

just didn't say it.

And I I don't even know what I saw

because it's not like

I was five. I didn't know what I was

seeing. Like I was seeing things that I

hadn't seen before. When I say death, I

don't even know what I what I saw.

But I I know I I hadn't come I hadn't

experienced that before,

but I I knew it was death.

And you know, I don't tell her. And we

the next few weeks we're still talking

as normal. And

you know, then Christmas comes and she

leaves. And

you know, I don't I don't think much of

it.

Um, but after that I just completely

isolate myself. It's not I I talk to no

one in school. I talk to no one after

school. And you get to a point where you

say no to enough people, they eventually

stop trying.

So I was just very isolated

very early on. And at home while this

was happening, my father was very angry.

He'd become very angry with us or not

really at us but just at the situation.

You know, he has three very young

children. He's doesn't have a job. He's

he has to take care of his wife. You

know, it it's it's not easy. So he he'd

become very upset at the situation,

frustrated at the situation, and he'd,

you know, he'd take that out on us. He'd

yell at us. He'd yell at my mother,

you know, we didn't really have anyone

to help out. We had my uncle who

actually lived on the same property as

we did, but he lived in like the house

where we lived in the apartment just

because it was easier to manage with um

with the kids. It was easy. It was

smaller.

um it was just easier

and yeah he'd become very upset with us,

very angry and I think I picked that I

picked that up very early where you know

I'd have these small inconveniences and

I would become upset. I would become

angry. Um I I didn't want to do like

anything that I was told to do. I

remember multiple instances where

like you know my mother would tell me to

go to like timeout or something like

that and I wouldn't want to but the

thought process was different. It wasn't

I don't want to because I don't want to.

It's I don't want to because I'm doing

everything else.

So again from a very young age it was

my my mother wasn't my mother. My mother

was almost my child in a way. I was

taking care of her,

you know.

I was the one doing that.

And then we go into to first grade and

I'm

I have a young birthday. I was born in

June, the end of June. So I'm the

youngest in my class always. So I'm like

five or six in first grade.

And at this time

we,

you know, again, I'm around a lot of

like anger. I'm around a lot of

frustration. There was a kid in my

class, his name was Nick, and he

suffered from

like uncontrollable anger. I haven't I

haven't seen anything. Honestly, looking

back on it, I would probably call it

demonic.

you know, every every few days he'd just

lash out. He would be flipping over

tables.

We're we're six years old and he's

flipping over tables. He's throwing

stuff. It's so bad that every time he'd

act like this, the teacher would have to

call the principal. The teacher would

have to call for people to back her up.

She couldn't do that alone cuz you have

this six-year-old who's flipping over

tables and they aren't like personal

desks. They aren't like one one desk a

person. They're like tables for six

people.

So, how he's supposed to flip that over,

how he's throwing these chairs, how he's

throwing these things and he's feel the

teacher feels like he's a threat to her.

I definitely call it some sort of

demonic.

Um, but that was who I would go into

school with. Um,

it's also very weird. Again, I was very

isolated. didn't talk to anyone.

It was interesting. I had perfect I I

had perfect marks in school. Like I was

straight A student 100s on everything. I

didn't have to study. I didn't have to

do like I didn't have to put work into

it. It wasn't an effort thing. Like it

just came naturally,

but it was never good enough.

Um, and not even to my father, not even

to my mother. They didn't they weren't

all too concerned about that.

Um, more more like to the teacher

herself,

it was, "Yeah, yeah, you got a 100, but

you know, why why aren't you talking to

people like like this person is? Why

aren't you why aren't you behaving like

this person is? You know, it's 100, but

why isn't the thought process the same

as this person?"

So e even when I was at perfection, even

when I was 100%, it just wasn't enough.

And

we would go after school, me and my

siblings, to daycare

at someone's house.

And it was almost like

not 24hour, but every time we weren't at

school and we weren't home, we were

there. even on the weekends.

And

a and also this after my sister was

born, we stopped going to church because

of all the

um complications with my mother. It just

became harder to get her outside of the

house. The apartment we lived on the

second story. The first story was like a

garage, so we would be having to carry

her up almost like 21 stairs.

which

try carrying dead weight up 21 stairs.

It ain't it ain't easy, especially when

there's only one one person, my father,

could carry that weight at a time. Um,

so we stopped going to church. So every

day that we weren't home or at school,

we would be at that daycare. Saturday,

Sunday, any holiday, anything, whenever

we would get off from school, we would

go there.

Um,

and again it was very like I was very

disobedient, very rebellious

because I'm thinking, well, I'm already

doing a lot at home. Why do I need to

listen to you? Like, we're we're doing

the same thing.

It it was a lot like that. And I

remember

I remember there was this one older girl

at at the daycare. I can't remember how

much older she was than me at the time,

but

you know, she started she started

bringing me away from the group and

she would have

she would have me expose myself in a

way. Um,

yeah, she would

she'd bring me away from the group and I

would like sexually experiment, for lack

of better terms.

Um,

I I don't really know. I was so young

and that just kept going on and that

that kind of started.

Um

like then I was six I was 6 years old

and that kind of started like the

like the sexual perversion in me um

being used like that.

Um, so, so that would happen at daycare

and that would that was every time I

wasn't at school and I I was isolated

and when I was home I was doing things

and I was taking care of my brother and

my sister and [clears throat]

again my mother was still trying to

almost kill my sister when my father

wasn't home and I would be the only one

who could see it and I was the only one

who who would stop it.

And

um

yeah, and I was exposed to anger and you

know, no nothing was ever good enough.

Even if I was even if I was perfect and

I I still really missed Mia and I I

didn't know why.

She was really the only person I'd ever

known who who talked to me like that.

Um,

so I I I still just really [gasps]

missed her and when I was home it was

like anything anything to escape. So, I

found a lot of comfort in food and you

know I I just start eating and you know

then I don't like how I look because

you know I'm a bigger kid than the

others

and I guess that that made it easier for

the girl at daycare to do what she did

cuz you know I wasn't going to say no

you know and it there was also like a

fear of being seen or a fear of being

heard. Like I I had this shame and this

guilt of of eating.

So I I would eat so much but not when

not when my father was home. I would eat

so much but not when someone was

looking. Um

you know we again we were in a

one-bedroom apartment. I wouldn't I

wouldn't leave that room if I knew

someone was out there like someone I

didn't know someone I did know.

It it was almost like a paralyzing fear,

but I still had things to do. [snorts]

So then that comes back on me where all

right, I can't do it, but I need to do

it. And because I can't do it, I'm

failed.

But even if I were to get it done, it's

not good enough.

It should have been done that way or it

should have been done that way. And at

this time, things in the house also

start breaking.

So even even if I were to do it

perfectly now things aren't working

and because they're not working, my

father's getting frustrated.

So every time he's home, there's just a

lot of yelling and a lot of why can't we

do things right? And my brother, he's

about four at this time. So he's like

he's running around the house and he's

always been a runner. He's running

around the house. He's causing chaos.

You know, things get broken.

Um,

things get broken and all that. And that

just comes out on all of us. And because

I was the older one, even at that young

age, it was it fell on me.

Um,

and it's always been a weird

relationship with my father as as I got

older. You know, he started taking me

out of the daycare earlier than he would

the others and we would go to a pub.

Um, I think it was called Clancy's and

we would just go there for like an hour

eating French fries.

I don't know what that was about. Um,

but that that was the only time we

really

had a moment together.

And even then, it wasn't it wasn't

anything of substance.

Like, I was so young, so we couldn't

really talk, but we didn't talk at all.

And

my mother because of the injury

um to her brain, she would wake up

sometimes at night and she would have

these delusions of where she thinks

something's going on, but it's just not

true. There were a couple nights where

she tried to after waking up grab the

keys, walk down the stairs by herself,

and go driving.

And it was very interesting because they

never took away her license so she could

legally still drive

but she would seize as I said

almost out of anywhere

and they you know they can't do much.

They just started piling on the

medications

and we had received a so he went to

court against the doctor who wasn't

paying attention but he was a

Pennsylvania doctor operating in a New

Jersey hospital under insurance from

South Carolina.

So we settled out of court for about I

think $800,000

to a million dollars. So, we had money

for the time, but that was the money

that was supposed to hold her off to

um forever

that was supposed to put her in a home

if we ever felt that was necessary.

And while my parents were older when I

was born, I think my father was um

late very late 40s pushing early 50s and

my mother wasn't too far behind him.

So

that that's another reason why all the

births were, you know, more difficult.

She was older.

Um,

[snorts] yeah. But, you know, I've never

really had a close relationship with my

parents. As I said, with my mother, it's

always been, well, I'm kind of more of

your parent than you are of mine. I'm

I'm doing everything.

Um,

but anyway, [snorts] as we go,

I think it's about like second grade.

All this is still happening at daycare.

all is still happening at home. And I

event I I start to have these like

random crying spells where I would just

be in the room,

you know, balling my eyes out cuz it

it's just too much,

you know, it's too much and I would and

my brother is all I really had.

So

this fear, this intense fear came on

that that one day he was just going to

he was just going to die. He he wasn't

going to be there anymore. And I think I

I remember around the same time

we were driving, my my father had picked

us all up from school and we were

driving home

and for whatever reason my brother had

when we had gotten home jumped out of

the car um and ran away

and my my father went after him and I

think that's where the fear started.

And then there was another time where my

father had picked us up from school

again and we were driving home and I

forget what was said, but my father was

just very angry with everyone.

And when we arrived at home, he had just

gotten out of the car and walked away.

And my brother followed him

and we didn't know where he was.

Um, and we lived on two main roads.

So, for a long time we, you know, we had

thought he ran out into the street

and then something happened to him and

my mother was in the car and

again there's 21 stairs, so I can't get

her up that.

So you have her crawling up the stairs

and I and my sister's still there and

she's still young and she would have

been about I think three at the time.

Um

so she she's in her little seat in the

car and she doesn't know what's going

on.

And

so my sister would walk into like

everything. So, I I think I remember her

having a bump on her forehead

where she had walked into the garage

door.

Um,

but yeah, she didn't know what was going

on. And my father eventually returned

and he didn't have my brother with him.

And it was a few hours and I don't know

why, but we didn't I don't think we

notified the police.

I have no clue why. Um, you know, you

have a missing five-year-old who

possibly ran into the street because

again, we were two main roads.

That was like all we had. Um, but a

couple hours go by, we don't know where

he is. And these two ladies who I've

never seen before in my life and I never

saw after that, they show up with him,

which I I don't know how he knew where

he lived. I don't know how they knew

where he lived. I don't know how they

knew that he was ours or anything, but

they just show up with him and they give

him back and they walk away.

[gasps]

I I don't know what happened with that.

But I I I really think that's where just

the fear of him not being around anymore

really start started to grip me.

Um cuz he he wasn't he wasn't helpful.

It it was still me doing everything, but

he was, you know, he was kind of nice to

have around.

[gasps]

So, [laughter]

[snorts] you know, I I would miss him.

And I had it in my mind where if if he

wasn't there, if he had passed away,

that would have been complete isolation.

Like not only would I not talk to

anyone, I didn't I didn't picture myself

going to school.

I didn't picture myself doing anything.

I pictured myself

like without him. I pictured myself

dying alone.

I was 7 years old.

There's no reason I should have any

concept of that,

but I I did. And it it it just plagued

me. There would be again just randomly

I'd start crying and I'd go into the

like a corner closet where I would just

go into and kind of shut myself off away

from the world just crying.

And between the crying and the eating,

like I didn't do much else. I still had

all the responsibilities.

They all got done cuz again if they

didn't they wouldn't have.

But yeah, this fear just started to grip

me and it it carried over when I was in

school.

I would um

like it it was anxiety 24/7. Whenever I

w whenever I was around another person,

it was like my whole body would just get

hot

and I would freeze up and I wasn't able

to talk. So no, no, no longer was it I

wasn't talking to anyone because I

didn't want to. It was I I could not

no words would come out.

I I would just look at them and I say

there was a peri that was a period of 8

years

where I didn't talk to anyone.

Um again, not because I didn't want to.

I It was interesting. I I wanted to be

seen, but I couldn't be seen because if

I if I was seen, I would have this

anxiety.

So, it's it's something that I want, but

I it's right in front of me and I can

never have it.

And all I have to do is just just sit

and be there and watch

and watch as other people get it as

other people get the praise, as other

people get, you know, get honored for

doing less than I was doing. But I was

doing everything and it just wasn't

enough.

And it was around this time I I would

begin to hear like

like still with the why can't you be

like them or they're doing so much

better than you are in this area.

Like I was getting perfect marks.

It just wasn't enough. I remember I had

written a story

um it was supposed to be like a

narrative story and I was writing about

my brother and something that we were

doing. My my brother loves a game called

Skylanders and even now like you walk

into my house and we still have all of

his Skylanders

because he he just absolutely loves

some. And I remember recently, well,

like two years ago, we went on this like

bike ride to the Deepford Mall from

Glassboro

because he wanted Skylanders.

And I was fully prepared even now to

like spend whatever money I had to get

them for him. But I was writing this

narrative story about this and I took a

little longer than most of the other

kids. I got a hundred on the story. They

were fine with that. But it was because

I had taken longer that they they made

comments. They're like, "Well, it

shouldn't have taken you this long, or

this person did it this fast, or this

person did it like this. Why why

couldn't you have done it like that?"

[snorts]

So, going into third grade,

um,

you know, again, it's more of the

sphere, more of

it's more of everything.

Um, and then this is when jealousy

starts to creep in. Now, now I see other

people having what I don't have. You

know, I never felt, again, I never had a

close relationship with my parents. It's

always been me. So, I've never felt

loved by them. I [sighs and gasps]

never felt loved. I've felt, you know, I

had to work to earn it. And I would just

see other other kids like just spending

time with their parents, going on these

vacations, going on these trips. And I

was just so jealous.

And it was around this time that I also

got um

not addicted, but I I I started

stumbling upon pornographic images.

and in third grade

and that just added to it. So now you

have this these like random crying

spells and this fear and I'm just eating

and I have responsibilities and now

whenever I have I have a free second

there's these images that I'm looking at

and

yeah

so that happens in the third grade and

because of what happened in daycare I

started seeing

you know my classmates pretty much any

any girl I saw as purely a sexual

object,

like purely

and

it was in the third grade.

So

like no one else knew what I was talking

about

but we would we would go into like

family life for like you know family

education which was really sexual

education in the third grade. I don't

know what was up with that. Um

you know it was very basic stuff but

still shouldn't be. We were like it

[laughter]

it was not appropriate but like I I knew

what they were talking about and it was

very basic but I I knew what they were

talking about and that's how I was

seeing like other girls

and

I I would have like all these fantasies,

you know, about them

um and all that. At the same time, I was

too nervous to ever talk to any of them.

So, it's not like any of this would have

ever been completed.

But it was just in my mind and I lived

in my mind at that point. Like, I lived

in my mind. I would I'd create all these

fantasies. I'd create all these

scenarios of things that would happen

where like I was a hero or I was doing

this things I would never do, but I I

got like satisfaction

from imagining it. So, yeah. going into

fourth grade. This is around this time I

I get we all get pulled out of daycare

um and we start going to this place

called the Boys and Girls Club

um in Glboro

and that Matt became our like

that became our 24/7 that became

whenever we weren't at home or at school

we were there

and they had summer programs so we would

start spending summers there and I met I

met a person his name is his name is Koi

and we would have sleepovers

um you know when we got older. But he

started I think he introduced like

cuz I was already introduced to

pornographic images. I think he

introduced masturbation. I think that

was him.

Um

so I was just always around him and I

wasn't talking much again. and I was

very isolated.

So that gave him room to talk, that gave

him room to speak, that gave him room to

kind of influence me in that way. And

then going into fourth grade,

um, also to mention, I was talking to

myself.

Like I was talking to myself. I was my

own best friend. I was all I had. So I

was talking to myself. I had these

scenarios.

going into fourth grade.

I

I remember I vividly remember walking

into that room one day

and seeing seeing this one girl

and this was the first time in a long

time where my first thought had not been

sexual.

Instead, I I hated her with ever with

everything.

Every bad every bad thing that had ever

gone on in my life, I had blamed her.

The moment I saw her,

I did not know her. I did not even know

her name. You know, I know it now, but I

didn't even know her name. I just saw

her incidentally didn't like her.

Everything she would do, I would

criticize in my mind again. too nervous

to say anything out loud. Um,

everything she does I criticize in my

mind. It began with a dislike and it was

a slow fade through the years into this

hate into this just like utter despise.

I

It disgusted me to see her. It disgusted

me to think of her. And it was the first

person in a while where it hadn't been

sexual.

And it it just gripped me again. And I

still had this fear and I still had all

of this going on at home.

And

this is when

like I would only talk to myself, but I

would start seeing people like people

who are not actually there and I'd start

talking to them and they became friends.

You know, people who are not real can't

really hurt you that much.

So they start becoming my friends. So

I'm just going through school. I'm not

even paying attention to the teacher and

I'm still getting perfect marks.

So the enemy like really had me in a

moment of yeah, you don't have to put

effort in, but it's still not good

enough. You're you're you're perfect,

but it's still not good enough.

Um, I'm talking to these imaginary

people

and now these crying spells don't become

about my brother, they become about Mia.

I see her.

I see her vividly. I remember her. I

have dreams about her.

I miss her.

And at this point, I was reminded of the

three images I saw,

you know,

and I just felt guilty.

I just felt guilty. And and this little

thing inside of me said that she's dead.

She's dead. And I just started to cry. I

I I just I just started crying.

And I [snorts] I believed it

and I I just felt guilt for that for a

long time.

And

I remember

one day I was in in in the room

and

there we there was like a candle burning

and I was trying to reach something for

my brother. So, I I reached up and

knocked the candle off and I spilled all

this like burning hot wax onto my leg

and it hurt tremendously,

but I I wasn't bothered by it.

And in fact, I I think I almost liked

it. I I think it was

almost what I what I deserved in a way.

Um, and there was another time where I

was at this movie night outdoors and I

cut up my whole leg. Um, there was a lot

of blood, but I I didn't mind seeing the

blood. I don't think I was going to tell

anyone if no one saw,

you know, it it was a lot of blood. I

think it took like 12 stitches to close.

Um,

so there was a there was a lot of blood.

I remember my father says that my whole

sock was just dyed red like you couldn't

even clean it. It was just dark red. So

this new thing with pain, it also it

also came about where you know it felt

like something I I needed felt like

something I deserved.

And we go on and I start,

you know, I remember I would because I

was a bigger kid, I would love to wear

hoodies and sweatpants. I was

uncomfortable in jeans for the longest

time. Um, but I would have these hoodies

and they would have like these

these marks on the hoodie strings and I

would just take it and during school I

would run it through my hair

and I would be pulling hair out and it

would hurt but I would just keep doing

it. I I loved the feeling of it,

you know, and I'm still talking to these

imaginary people and they're kind of

urging me on to keep going.

And then fifth grade, I'm in I'm in this

girl's class again, the one I hate. Um,

I'm in her class again and I see her and

I

throughout the whole year I hate her

again. You know, it doesn't stop. It

just gets worse.

Everything gets worse.

And we had moved houses at this time. We

had moved to the one I'm living in right

now. So it that was that was a good

thing that I was holding on to. I was

sharing a room with my brother again.

Love him.

Um,

and

like bec because of of how we lived, we

already got like little sleep, but now

we had we were introduced to like

technology to like tablets. So me and my

brother, we would stay up almost all

night, you know, just watching videos

together, you know, and that was that

was the only bonding I really had with

him cuz he he was he was popular. He was

almost an extra rare and he won't tell

you that but he was doing things and he

still does like after school he was

inviting he was being invited to so many

parties to so many sleepovers that I

never was because you know I never went

and I I keep saying the reason I the

reason I did all this the reason I

denied the sleepovers the reasons I

denied the parties was so that my

siblings could go because even now I

when I'm home, I I don't let them do

anything.

If my mother calls them, I I show up. I

I say that they're busy because they

shouldn't have to do that. So, I I did

all that to let them go, let them go,

let them have, [sighs]

you know, let them have their peace.

Um, but we we would stay up watching

videos together.

And

on my own, I was still I I I think this

is where the pornographic images

became pornographic videos.

So now I'm watching porn. And by this

time, the person I had met at the summer

camp had introduced me to masturbation.

So I remember waiting until my brother

went to sleep and and doing that.

And that was just like a nightly thing.

It, you know, it just I I was addicted.

And I also had this very strong urge to

drink, you know, to drink alcohol

because I I'd seen from my father. Um,

so I remember like going into the fridge

and I' I'd see these beverages

and I'd have to like physically restrain

myself, you know. I I've never I've

never drank any of them. Um,

[snorts]

I I just always there's like an always

like inner inner conscience was like,

"No, that's too far. You can do

everything else, but that's too far."

And thinking back on it, it was

it was it was almost like this wicked

game that the enemy was playing of you

can have all these desires and you can

fantasize them about them however you

want and I will place the opportunity

right in your reach but you can never

have the pleasure.

You can never have it.

Um, and he he had done this for years.

But yeah, we get into sixth grade. And

this is when I I mean, even when I was

even when I first began like

sexualizing

the girls in my class, I was still

having like crushes almost. But the I

think this is sixth grade was where it

where it hammered down. And at this

point, I had completely forgotten about

Mia. Not even a thought in my mind

anymore.

Um, but sixth grade was when COVID hit.

So now the isolation

that I've been feeling and I was just

starting to open up.

I was just starting to open up but CO

hit. So now it's completely isolated.

you know, now nothing mattered.

And my mother is still having seizures

like six times a year. So, we'd be

waking up in the middle of the night and

all that.

I think it was around this point that I

was introduced to the concept of God.

Um, because when my mother would have

these seizures, my father would need to

like, you know, drop us off someplace.

So, we'd be dropped off at a family

friend's house and they were Jewish.

So,

my favorite part going over there is

playing video games and

her her name is Shashana, but Shashana's

mother would always make cookies. So,

again, I was a big kid. Cookies, video

games, you had me. I I loved it. But

you know,

I think that's where God started being

introduced

where I knew there was a God. I didn't

think it was good because of all that

had happened already.

Um,

so CO happens.

I'm more isolated than ever. I start

talking to these people in my mind more.

And and I remember I was going on a bike

ride one day

and

I don't know what happened but I I saw

I saw Satan. I I saw him and he was

telling me so much things that I knew

that I you know I wasn't good enough and

that nothing I ever

I could do nothing

to to relieve myself of the pain of the

of the mental

torment that I was going through

and I was agreeing

and he said you know

there is one way.

And you know, I I asked how

and he began to explain that the only

way that I could get rid of all the bad

things in my life

was to kill the scapegoat,

the girl that I had placed everything

on.

That was the only way I was ever,

you know, going to be free of this.

And he he gave me, you know, he gave me

instructions cuz I wasn't only supposed

to kill her. I was supposed to kill her

in a very specific way. I was instructed

to um leave my house at midnight. It had

to be midnight. to go to where she

lived. Um to go through her window while

she was sleeping, to bring a rope,

um

to bring a rope and a knife

with the knife, stab her once through

the neck,

hopefully killing her. That that's what

he said it would do,

killing her. After that, I was supposed

to make marks on her body with the

knife. I was supposed to carve her, you

know. I was supposed to, you know, make

it look like someone who was going

through a lot of mental because this is

when people would see. This is when

people would know what I was going

through. I was supposed to, you know,

kind of carve her up,

but I was supposed to do that after she

was already dead because there there was

respect for the dead, I guess.

[laughter]

Um, and with the rope, I was supposed to

tie it um

to to something in a room and I was

supposed to hang myself.

I was not supposed to cut myself at all.

you know, I don't know why, but that's

that's what I was told. And I I couldn't

process it, you know, obviously.

It's very hard. I I couldn't process it.

And so, I'm going forward with this in

my mind. And I go home

and,

you know, I just keep reliving the

instructions that he gave me day after

day. I start fantasizing about it. I

start planning out how it's going to go.

I start I I start planning out the day.

I know the time. I know the location. I

know how to get there. I know

like

I almost knew her schedule in a way. I

knew what was happening. The night I was

about to do it.

I remember having the stuff and going to

my front door

and I reached for the front door, but I

couldn't step out.

something in me. I just couldn't do it.

And I started crying and I dropped

everything.

I locked myself

in my room

and I called I I called the police on

myself.

And

the police show up. They show up I think

an hour after I called them because they

said that they thought I was in Camden.

I don't know why,

but they showed up an hour after I

called them and they,

you know, they they gave a quick rundown

to my father

um of what was going on.

And I didn't mention this, but I had

already told the school when I had

received this instruction. I had reached

out to my teacher and I said something

like something is horribly wrong. I I

want to kill this girl.

I I want to kill her and I can see

myself doing it. And she reached out to

the um principal and the principal sent

a quick message to my mother and that

was all.

So that was the school's involvement.

I get to the hospital, the police take

me to the hospital.

Um,

and

because it's COVID, it's very

overcrowded. I'm in a hospital bed in

the hallway.

And

I remember the whole time that I was

there, I was there for about 8 hours

that

there the person in my mind who I had

seen and been talking to was standing

next to me the whole time. This one, she

was almost like the girl from the ring.

Um, but taller. She she was taller. Um,

taller than me actually. She was tall.

She was pale skin, completely white

dress, black hair over her face. As I

said, the girl from the ring.

And I remember that

I would almost have

like a relationship with her.

Um,

she became

sort of like a girlfriend in a sense.

And this was before I had received the

instruction

um to kill that one girl.

I I had this relationship with this

person that I I was seeing wasn't really

there, you know, [snorts] in my mind.

This this demonic thing

where I I still remember nights I I was

in bed and I could feel something next

to me. I could feel something

something's arms wrap around me

and and that was the only physical like

contact I had. So I

I I I wanted it. I desired it. I let it

in. She was who I would tell everything

to. But then when I was in the hospital

and she was standing over me and she had

the bow and arrow, something changed.

It It was no longer the person that I

knew. It was no longer the the friendly

thing.

It I remember it had a bow and it had an

arrow and it was aiming it at me

the whole time and it just it just

wouldn't let me go.

And I told that I told that to the

doctor and the doctor didn't do

anything. And she starts asking me

questions of okay, what do I see? What

do I feel?

all this and she eventually asks my

father, okay,

she asks my father if there's any like

schizophrenia in my family. And he said

that we really didn't know because my

mother was

she she didn't have any contact with her

family. She didn't know a lot about

them. She didn't have any contact. So,

we really had no clue what mental things

were going on. Um,

she told me that we were going to go to

another place later. She was going to

schedule an appointment and I would be

tested for schizophrenia.

But her conclusion

at that moment based on what I had told

her was I had a crush on this girl and

it was no more than that. So after 8

hours of being held in the hospital, she

had let me go. Before

I would have all these violent thoughts,

but they would never be against me. It

would always be against another person.

But when I got released from the

hospital,

it was no,

no longer can killing another person

free you from this. It is only yourself.

The

you know these things that I was talking

to and there's another one too. There

are two. There are always two

and and unless it was,

you know, unless it was just me and her,

you know, the the girl I had described,

it was always two. Unless we were having

a moment, it was always two. I never saw

the other one alone. And I can't really

remember what he looked like, but I just

know he was there.

Um,

and it started to become more violent

towards me where,

you know, I remember I would I would

take um a pair of scissors

and

I would go to the bathroom in tears

and at the bottom of my foot, cuz my

thinking is no one's going to see it, I

would start to engrave things

on the bottom of my foot with the

scissors.

Um

because

I I felt it was the only way to be free

from any of this. And around this time,

I would

whenever I had free time or even when I

was like doing stuff, I would always I

could never focus on one thing

because that's how bad it was getting.

They were getting so violent. they were

getting so overpowering where I was

living in my mind but my mind wasn't

mine.

[sighs]

So whenever I was like playing a game

with my brother, I remember I'm playing

the game, I'm I have a video going, I'm

listening to music, I'm talking, and I'm

thinking about something. I have five

things at once just just to stop any of

those thoughts

to overload myself so much that that

nothing has a chance, nothing has space,

but I would still see things. I would

still hear things and I would hear

audible voices

telling me to do things. So, it's not

like I'm talking to these people in my

mind. No, I I'm talking to them and I'm

seeing them move and things are

happening cuz I feel them. I physically

feel them and I audibly hear their

voice. And this was my life.

This was what I did. I didn't have

friends. I didn't have anyone to talk

to. This was my life.

Um,

I remember,

you know, I remember

downloading this one app. It's called

like Anime Maker or something, but it

was

it was just this app where,

you know, you make animations and then

you can post the animations and other

people can comment. It it was like a

community

and I had never had that. So, I just

downloaded one day and we're still like

during lockdown.

So, I'm doing nothing else, you know,

again, I have the video, I'm making the

animation, I'm doing all that. And I

begin to talk to like talk to people on

the app to interact with them.

And,

you know,

we eventually moved the conversations

off the app. I was convinced to download

another app called Discord

where

you know it was better suited for

talking because with the other app you

had to like reload it every single time

to see if they you know left a comment

or responded.

So, I downloaded this app called Discord

and I would talk to people through there

and I became enwrapped with a lot of

different um like psychological help

groups

and

not even for help myself,

but I remember

like I would do that to help other

people. Like I remember talking to other

people online

who were going through some of the same

stuff I was going through and it kind of

eased my mind in a way.

Um

and again I'm this is around like sixth

7th or eighth grade

um where this carries out. So, I'm still

very young and I have these like

like old older older kids, older teens,

young adults, like all of this

and I'm talking to all of them through

this group

and I I feel like I'm helping people,

but then there are those moments where

like,

you know,

I I remember it happened with two people

who I know for sure um took took their

life while I was talking to them. Um I I

remember seeing the images of

like what what they were about to do.

And I remember I had gotten a message

from the one girl's friend telling me

that she she wasn't alive anymore, that

she had taken her own life

um while talking to me.

And I remember crying,

but at the same time there was

there was a sense of accomplishment

like there there's a sense of wicked joy

of knowing that I had caused that.

And now

I would start talking to people online

and I would I would try to get them to

freak out. I would try to get them to

panic.

I I would be saying all these different

things just so that they would worry,

just so that they would fear because I

liked the I liked the thought that

someone cared. I liked the thought that

someone was worried.

So night after night, I was staying up

and I was talking to different people

and I would never talk to them for more

than one day because after that I'm

supposed to be dead.

So, I don't know how many people I did

that to. And there was only one who

actually managed to call the police and

they found out where I lived and it it

was a whole thing. But that that was my

day. That was what I would do. And there

was this just joy. And

around this time like also

I'm dabbling in like

um

you know

>> [sighs]

>> It's better online because it's not like

real. Like the conversations you're

having are not real because I would

still like have convictions of, hey, no,

this isn't right.

But then there was also this like wicked

joy in doing that.

So I remember

like there were times where I would I

would start talking to people who were

older than me who were men

and I would start, you know, talking to

them

and they had even convinced me to send

like a few pictures of myself. But that

was my night

almost every night. And then the sexual

perversion didn't stop

because I I would also talk to women who

were again older than me.

And I I guess it's always been a thing

that the way I talk, the way I present

present myself. I seem a lot older than

I am.

So I was able to get these women who

were older than me, much older than me,

to send pictures of themselves

to talk in such a ways to like was like

act it out through the text.

Um

yeah,

and then

I remembered Mia.

I I remembered her vividly

and and these these things that I was

talking to, these things that I was

seeing, they were reminding me of of

what I had seen of of death. And I knew

she died

and they were telling me that I killed

her. And

I have never been able to sleep

well. But this this was something else

because I I'd go to bed every night and

I' I'd feel this thing crawl up next to

me and

I I I could hear the breathing in my ear

and I would feel things crawling up me

like like bugs. But there were no bugs.

Even though we still lived in a in like

a dirty house, there was nothing there,

but I'd still feel it. And I'd still see

things. I'd see shadows in the dark. I'd

see things move every single night. And

then when I would wake up in the

morning,

you know, I'd have all these horrific

nightmares at at night, but I'd wake up

in the morning and I'd be paralyzed with

fear because as soon as I get up, like I

sit up from my bed, I see

I I I see Mia.

I see her.

And she's up against my wall

and she doesn't have ice. and

and and she's carved in the same way

that I was supposed to carve the other

girl.

And and there's there's so much blood

and I I still remember her

from kindergarten.

So, I'd wake up every single day and I'd

see the blood and I' I'd read there were

bold letters behind her blaming me for

blaming me for that, saying that I had

did that in the middle of the night,

that I don't remember it, that I wasn't

safe to be around anyone. I I would also

have these very violent outbursts

where I would just get I I would lash

out on my brother and my sister.

And you know, we've never had a close

relationship either, just because of how

everything went. I would never see them

a lot because they were elsewhere.

Um, which was very good for them, but I

would never see them a lot. So,

you know, there would there were these

we don't we don't feel like family. We

don't feel like family.

And there were these moments

where it happened twice. My sister

pulled a knife on me

and

she she was going to hurt me.

Um, and I I just ran,

but I would be so violent towards her. I

remember I think I

I I remember I hit her head hard on on a

piece of wood one day and I think I

think I tore something in her elbow.

I I was very violent, but it was always

a weird relationship with my sister. She

was she's four years younger than me.

Um, and a lot of this she doesn't even

remember. But I remember

because,

you know, because of how dirty the house

was, there were nights where she

couldn't sleep in her room, so she slept

in mine [snorts] and my brother's. And

it it

it's not right.

But she would sleep in my bed and there

were nights where I woke up

and

she was touching me

and that

that perverted my mind so much because

it it was a night after night thing and

I was still seeing all this and I was

still I could still feel the thing next

to me and the things crawling,

you know, crawling on me. And I I didn't

see it as wrong and I I wanted more. But

yeah, I remember waking up every day

this intense fear of I I saw I saw Mia

and I knew I killed her and I knew she

was dead.

It was a guilt and I would just sit

there for hours crying before I even

left bed and it would never go away.

The only time it would go away was at

night

so I wouldn't look at it anymore. So I

would lay down and that thing could

crawl next to me. And this lasted for 3

years from sixth grade to 8th. And then

in the middle of all of it, in the

middle of this torment after after 8th

grade had ended. And I remember seventh

and eighth grade, I went to the school

like right next to my house. I would get

home before everyone. I would when I got

home, I would immediately start I'd

immediately go to porn. I would

immediately go

and then I'd immediately go to the food

and the video games.

Just anything

to keep my mind off of it.

But I would also go on these very long

walks. I'd walk around the whole town

and the town next to me and no one would

have ever known where I was because I

didn't have a phone. I didn't have

technology.

I would just walk for hours not knowing

where I was. No one cared. No one cared.

Um there there was a day where I took my

bike and I biked out 30 miles.

and I had a phone, but the phone was

almost dead.

So, I biked out 30 miles in the morning

and

I got to this park and I spent all day

there

and I just had a thought of maybe I

don't go home because beyond this park

was a wheat field and it was open road

and I just thought I could just keep

going and no one would look and no one

would care. And I'm biking home at night

again, 30 miles.

And when I get home, no one asks where I

was. And

around this time, I also made a friend.

And she had

she had claimed to be Christian. You

know, her her uncle pastors a church.

No.

No. We we would not.

Nothing we talked about was Christian.

But at the end of 8th grade,

August 17th,

I went to Shashana's Bitzvah. You know,

Bameitzvah, it was a 4hour

it was a 4-hour service all in Hebrew.

You know, they they had like a Torah

reading. Shashana read from the Torah.

It was it was on cities of refuge

and she was talking about how um you

know Jewish culture is different now

than it was then. She was talking about

like grace and mercy and how everyone

deserves a second chance, which isn't

exactly what it says,

but that's what she was talking about.

But the everything else was Hebrew.

And I remember we were, you know, I had

a I had a pink yarmaka on

and we were singing Shabbat Shalom.

You know, it's a very simple song. it.

It's quite literally just Shabbat shalom

over and over again.

Um,

and I remember looking around

and I remember while singing

something something just hit

it. It was like everything that I had

ever done,

everything that I had ever done

had come back on me in that moment.

I knew right then

that I was not right with God.

And and previously

I had also I was dabbling in um Satanism

and satanic worship. But in this moment,

I knew I was not right with God.

I knew he was there. I could feel his

presence. I could feel him pressing down

on me. But I don't think anyone else

felt it. It wasn't a whole room thing.

It was It was me. It was specifically me

that he was pressing down on. It was

specifically me that he was convicting.

It was specifically me that he called

out to. And I didn't I didn't hear this

during the English portion. I didn't

feel this during the English portion. No

one preached to me. This this didn't

happen because of preaching. But God

showed up. And after that, I had this

intense urge to go to confession. Again,

I was baptized Catholic.

To go to confession. I didn't even know

what confession was,

but I knew I needed to confess to

someone. I just never knew who.

Um, and my my godparents,

my godfather had passed away uh by this

time, but I knew my godmother was crazy

religious white woman.

Um, and not even religious in a good

way. Religious as in like Catholic.

Um, you know, you have to do this, this,

this, and this. Even then, you know, God

can't really speak to you. God, it's

like very distant.

So, religion for sake of religion, not

religion for sake of God.

Um, but I kept feeling like I need to

talk to her. I need to go to church with

her. I need to do this. It never ends up

happening,

but

the church I go to now, Miss Day, they

do like a movie night every fourth

Friday in the summer. So, I go to one of

their movie nights. It was the same

place where I had cut open my leg all

those years before.

Um, and I go to their movie night. I go

up to the head pastor and I ask, "Where

does your church meet? When does it

meet? Cuz I want to go there." And we

had already known each other from when

we when I went to church

um before my mother was injured. We went

to the same church. So, we already knew

each other. And he gave me all the

information. And I start going. And when

I start going, the I still have that

intense fear, the anxiety,

like I'm constantly being watched. And I

I keep going and everything just gets

more normal. Now it's just normal to be

there. Now I want to read my Bible. And

I pick it up and it took it took me

three years to read the whole thing.

But when I did it, I felt so much

better.

um and going to church, having a

community,

it it relieved me of a lot, but there

was there was still a barrier.

There was still something missing. And I

had become almost zealous in a way for

God because I had met him.

And it was something that, you know, my

church wasn't

wasn't there for. Um, I I remember going

to high school and I would I'm openly

carrying a Bible in a public high

school, so it's already not looking good

for me. But I begin like preaching in a

sense

like giving these convicting things like

actually like actually saying something.

[sighs]

And I remember I was assaulted. I was

I was assaulted. I was blackmailed. I

was

um [clears throat]

you know had weapons flashed on me. Had

all these different crazy things. The

black the the blackmail was interesting.

So when I was in 8th grade, I had this

group chat with, you know, not not

really friends but um just people I

would talk to. And I had again I was the

Lord hadn't encountered me yet. Um and

even after he did I was still fleshly

but I had made a comment

um to a girl about another girl

about something I wanted to do to her.

Um, so when [clears throat] I start

preaching

a couple months later,

the girl I had said that to comes back

and she's pretty much like, "If you do

not stop, I'm going to tell this girl's

father who worked in that school."

I was in his class, so I'd be seeing him

every day.

She's like, "I'm going to tell this

girl's father what you said." And again,

that fear came back.

But even though I had that fear, I

didn't stop. I just kept going. And she

never does it. But you know, people

start talking about me. I also enter

my my I enter my two relationships.

9th grade, year two. My first one was

like laughable.

We had we had started in like the

beginning of November.

And we have we had ended before

Thanksgiving.

We we had gone into the relationship

from day one. It was just a fight.

It was just a fight about every little

thing.

And

um but you know, I I was craving that,

you know, [clears throat] I I was

craving being wanted. I was craving it.

So I kept going.

And then after 3 weeks of fighting, I'm

like, "This isn't worth it." [laughter]

So, we we we both break up with each

other and she says that the only reason

that she agreed to date me in the first

place was because she felt bad for me,

which felt amazing to hear that. Um,

that felt amazing.

But a week later, I get into this I get

into my next relationship.

And that one lasts for over 2 years.

So,

you know, that that's another thing that

I'm fearing. I'm fearing that

my girlfriend is going to hear what I'd

said about this other girl

and she's going to find out and I'm

going to lose her and I'm going to lose

the only person who's ever cared about

me.

And you know, it was a big fear.

But yeah, I was assaulted. I was

blackmailed. I was, you know, this one

girl flashed a taser on on me. I was

assaulted on camera.

Um, it's actually interesting. I sent

I'd sent an email to my girlfriend at

the time and the school kind of it was

school email so they got it. It was

questionable things. So they pulled me

into the office and I started talking

about, you know, why I had mentioned

about the black man about the assault

and they're like, you know, you can like

write that on a file and we can do

something about it. So I'm like, okay,

I'll I'll write it all down. So I write

it all down. I give it to them. Keep in

mind this is like five pages long, front

and back.

I check up in a week and they say,

"Well, we can't [music] really do

anything because we just can't really do

anything. We we pulled the camera. We

saw we saw the whole incident of the

assault. It didn't look like he was

throwing the object at you on purpose.

You just happened to be standing there.

So I said, "Yeah, we can't do anything."

So that's the first time I file. The

second time I file is about the

blackmail stuff.

Okay. I give it to them. I give them

like screenshots. I I go deep.

They can't do anything again. The third

time I file,

um, not only do I give screenshots, I

give witnesses, they can't do anything.

So, I'm like, "Okay, this has been fun.

I'm not filing anymore." And I remember

like every time I would walk into the

room and say something, cuz I could just

be in a room, but if I said something,

people like, "That was going too far." I

remember we were reading this one book

called Feed about like humans having

computer chips in their brain and just

their whole life being on a computer

essentially. And the teacher had asked

me to give my thoughts

and I I guess it was some of my fault

because I start talking and I I get to

this climax of okay, I know what I'm

about to say is really important. I need

a way of catching everyone's intention.

So, I picked two people in the

classroom.

Keep in mind, one of them's behind me. I

don't even know what she's doing.

I just guessed, but one of them is in

front of me. And I say, "Yeah." And this

really this really shows how like how

dependent we have become on our phones

because right now Heaven and Mary Jane

are on their phones while I'm talking

about this. The whole room erupts

and

the whole room erupts. You know, people

are cursing me out. You know, people who

I didn't even call out. The two people I

had called out were completely fine

but they start you know cursing me out.

There was a even a death threat thrown

in there too which the teacher heard and

the teacher had filed that with the

school and the school did nothing.

So like every time I would say something

it it was just always too much

apparently. I remember

my church was talking about tableabling

at

a Pride event

and we were kind of split on if we

should or if we shouldn't and I wrote

this letter that saying that we should

that we should table um spread the love

of Christ there

and I wrote the letter I gave it to my

pastor. I gave it to the one friend I I

had made whose uncle pastored a church.

She ends up turning that letter in to

the vice principal. The vice principal

ends up reading it. And around the same

time, this was like 3 weeks removed from

the Covenant school shooting.

And since God had encountered me that

one time, I had known that

when you step into Christ, you are

brothers and sisters and that means

something. So the Covenant school

shooting happened and it was a

it was a Christian school. So I saw the

six people who died as my brothers and

sisters. So I mentioned it in the

letter. I mentioned how much I grieved

them

and

the vice principal reads it and she's

like, "So, you're planning on shooting

up Glass Sparrow?"

Keep in mind that's completely not what

I said.

And there it was me, it was her, and it

was two other admin in that room. One of

the admin was backing [clears throat] me

up. The other one wasn't saying

anything. and the vice principal was

accusing me.

So, she held me there for 3 hours

interrogating me, but she never actually

believed that I was going to shoot up

the school because she didn't get any

authorities involved. But then that

meeting leaks and teachers are talking

about it and students are talking about

it and I know I didn't say anything. So,

one of them leaked it.

and a private meeting like that, you

actually

you're not legally allowed to leak it.

Whenever you're talking about personal

information, you're not allowed.

So, the school had actually violated

a law on top of all the laws that they

had already violated. It was another

one. Then, going forward, it it's the

last day of school. And I'd already been

told multiple times, don't preach, don't

preach.

So, it's it's the last day of school.

And this person I know,

he he has a shirt that says God's

promise

with a rainbow. And I ask if I can

borrow it for the last day of school.

And he says yes. And he gives me the

shirt and I wear it. And I go in to

school that day wearing that shirt. And

immediately I started I started getting

texts from just about everybody telling

me, "Take off the shirt. take off the

shirt, but I don't, you know, it it's

not I'm not breaking any code.

So, I go in for my gym class and it was

interesting. I was standing on this side

of the gym. There was a teacher who was

not even supposed to be in the room at

that time who was standing on the

opposite side of the gym and she

happened to be gay.

So, I'm standing on this side, she's

standing on the opposite side. So, we

have a basketball court in between us.

My back is facing her

and somehow she sees with her X-ray

vision

through me, reads the shirt, sees the

rainbow, gets offended by it, decides to

file

with the school, which she can't do

because she's a teacher, she files with

the school against a student.

And unlike where mine took months to

resolve and still didn't get anywhere,

hers took about 20 minutes

because it was the last day of school.

Both the principal and vice principal

were at Ron University

preparing for graduation ceremony.

So, the athletic director, who was the

acting principal, only administrator on

the campus at that time, pulls me into

the office and he sees the shirt and he

says, "That's funny. It's not breaking

any law or any code. You can go."

So, he enjoyed it.

Um, but while I'm walking out of the

room, he gets an email from both the

principal and vice principal who never

even saw the shirt who said, "Yeah, you

have to you have to suspend him for a

week." I had an hour left in the school

day.

They weren't there. Didn't see the

shirt. I had an hour left. He He had me

walk home.

And I told him that day, I'm not going

back.

I'm I'm not coming back to this school

next year because it's it was a six

months six months of

just just

[sighs]

6 months

of dealing with all that they were

trying to pull. And I told him, I'm not

I'm not doing it anymore. And he

understood.

So he let me go. So I leave school. My

my girlfriend has questions about it.

Her parents

never liked me. They They had actually

accused me her mother had accused me of

taking her out of her friend's house

while they were having a sleepover to a

local park and and raping her.

Don't know where she got that from, but

her parents didn't like me

and we we could never see each other.

So, it was pretty much just a texting

thing even though we lived like a few

streets over.

It was just

we couldn't do it. Um

but even then

though I though I had found I like I had

found Christ I I put my full faith in

him. I was still going through the

process of being like getting the

convictions and acting on them. And he

had to do a lot. He had to convict me of

a lot

um

during this relationship of two years.

I

I was talking to other people.

Um,

you know, I was talking to other people.

I was still addicted. I was still

all of this.

And I had told her, like, I had told

her, "Hey, I'm addicted to pornography,

but I want to stop. I need help. I need

help. I need someone to help." And you

know, she broke down crying,

but she wouldn't help. No. And in fact,

anytime I did see her,

we would get into like

any anytime I did see her, the

interaction would very quickly become

sexualized.

Um,

it never went that far.

It was just a lot of touching, but still

it was stuff I was actively trying to

break out of and she knew that.

Um, she just didn't have that same

conviction.

And I remember,

you know, I remember telling her over

and over again like, I want to devote my

life to God.

and she kept telling me she did, but

every time we saw each other, it just

fell. Just felt like that. [snorts] So,

and then we got to this point in the

relationship where it was just a fight.

It was just a struggle. And it felt like

for 2 years I'd been putting more effort

into it than she had.

And I had never actually seen fruit. I I

I'd seen nothing. She knew that I had I

was mentally tormented

and I would still sometimes go through

these episodes, these these episodes of

depression, these like thoughts where

like I want to die. Like I don't want to

be here anymore. But I I could never

tell her that

because she just couldn't handle it,

you know? I I I was carrying all of her

stuff as well as my whole family as well

as [snorts]

everything else.

So

like it I guess it never really felt

like we were in a relationship

even though by title we were.

And

I I'd also started going to community

college at this time. So I I dropped out

freshman year, started going to

community college

and I started meeting people there. The

the first year of community college, I

actually get a chance to go with my

church back then and work in Georgia. We

worked a conference called G3.

And I actually got the chance to meet

Vodie Bakam before he passed away.

He he was right next to us and like

during the whole conference too whenever

he wasn't preaching he was right there.

So I got a chance to meet him get a

chance to talk to him you know I saw

other preachers Paul Washer James Coats

a few more guys from Canada so that was

really cool. I remember it was

interesting. There was a bomb threat at

the conference

like maybe the second day in.

So that was definitely an experience.

But

I got back from that and it was like the

fire

that was in me a year ago.

It was just it kept burning. It kept

burning. I got back from that. I started

looking for a Christian community on the

community college campus. I did find one

called Innerarsity.

I didn't choose to I didn't choose to

join in the first year. I don't know why

at that moment, but I didn't choose to.

I chose to push into another ministry

called Young Life.

Um I I would come out there. road, spend

time with those kids and the the type of

fire they have for Jesus

is something else.

But,

you know, I continue to grow in the

word. I continue to do that. And

everything else is still happening. My,

you know, my mother is still

progressively getting worse. You know,

my father's getting a little bit better,

but I'm still not as present. And I'm

still trying to take care of my siblings

cuz what did they just watch? They just

watched their older brother drop out of

high school. High school dropout. Didn't

even complete the first grade or not

first grade, ninth grade. Didn't even

complete the ninth grade.

And now they're going into that

environment where everyone knew me.

No one really liked me.

They're going into that. I also,

you know, I had many friends

leave me during that time, ones who

claimed they were Christian. I I

remember I had one that she comes up to

me, she's like, "You did wrong by the

scripture." And I say, "Okay, tell me

what scripture." And then she says,

"See, why do you bring scripture into

everything?" I'm like, "What are we what

are we talking about? Like, what are we

even doing here?"

There was just a fake level of

Christianity

that I I was in

where it's like, I know what I saw in

that synagogue, but no one else knows.

No one else has had that experience.

And and I would go, as I mentioned, to

Young Life and they do have a desire for

the word. They do have an desire for

that experience, but it's not there for

most of them. Most of them don't have

it.

But the next year,

um, just walking around

the community college, it's my second

year here, and

I see a table offering free coffee.

And ever since I worked in Georgia,

because when when I worked in Georgia, I

got like 2 hours of sleep at night. I

lived on coffee. So, I'm like, "Okay,

I'm going to it's free. I'm going to

take free." And it actually happened to

be the inner varsity club that I didn't

join.

And I just stood with them the whole

time just talking. And it it was like

that we,

you know, we instantly became friends.

And I met this one girl, Bella.

And

you know, we exchanged numbers. I start

coming out to the club meetings. I start

to meet up all the different people in

the clubs.

And

by that next semester, by that spring

semester,

it felt like I was

finally finding some people, finally

at home.

And I couldn't come out to everything

because I was still working.

[clears throat] I was working as a girl

cook at this time. And I was doing like

every single shift I could pick up,

you know, they weren't

they weren't abiding by the law to even

hire me. So they didn't care how much I

worked, which I enjoyed cuz, you know, I

needed the money. They offered it.

But eventually I get,

you know, I get so involved with this

group that Bella invites me to another

group. It's on Ran University campus

called Jesus Club.

And I remember that I had off work that

one day. That was one the one day a week

that I had off work. So I decided, you

know what? I'm going to go. if I'm not

scheduled, I'm gonna go.

And I end up not being scheduled. And I

go.

[snorts] And I remember that first

night, the the holiness [sighs]

that was in that place. It wasn't like

my church. It wasn't like

Young Life. It

I knew I was in the presence of people

who had that same experience of people

who encountered

the Christ.

And

I don't know why I kept coming back, but

I did.

And I was exposed to a new fire, a new

flame of Christianity

that again didn't it didn't happen in my

church.

You know, we prayed,

we worshiped, and things happened.

there was actual fruit.

And I remember being

exposed to that,

people being healed.

And

I just held to that

because I I had never seen

a miraculous healing that the church I

come from, they didn't really think it

could happen or if they thought it could

happen, they surely never talked about

it.

Um, so I had never been exposed to that.

when it happened, I clung to it and I

would start bringing it up in my church.

I'd start saying, you know, I I've seen

the blind healed. I've seen the lame

walk and I've seen the dead raised to

life.

So, what are we doing?

[snorts] And I I get a lot of questions

because they still never had that

experience

that encounter.

And I remember

fast forward one more year,

Bella is no longer leading in her

varsity. Now it's me and another guy,

Matthew.

And I just remember going into this that

year.

I remember going into that year just

thinking

it's only us two.

Like the club has never been big, but

it's only me and Matthew.

And I was reading my the word

on campus that day. I was going to do a

7-day, not seven day, I was going to do

a seven lap walk around the whole campus

and pray.

And I remember getting ready for it. I

was in my word and I look up and I see I

see a lot of birds

and they're they're all following this

one bird, this one perfectly white bird.

and all of the other ones, you know,

they there's they have spots, they have,

you know, they are unclean,

but they're all following this one bird.

And I'm like, "Oh, okay." And I started

the walk, and it was like lap three or

four where God's like, "You remember

those birds? There were 20 of them.

That's how many people they're going to

be at the end of this semester. 20

people all for a heart for Jesus. And

I'm like, "Okay,

I'm gonna remember this because you're

you're going to pull through."

Me and Matthew

were we we kept waiting for it to

happen.

And we we threw a Thanksgiving thing, a

Friendsgiving, and we were just counting

the people who walked through the door.

There were there were exactly 20 people.

exactly 20 people

and we're like cuz I I I saw the birds 3

months earlier

exactly 20 people and even then there

was this girl her name was Michaela

and I was tableabling at an event just

you know showing off different clubs she

comes up not even expecting to talk

about Jesus this

and

I start asking her questions and

immediately there's tears

immediately

and we're just getting somewhere

like the the conviction of of the sin

that she was living in. It was just

hitting her. I could see the spirit

working in her in real time.

And

you know over the semester she she grew

a lot.

She really did.

And it was just the opportunity to work

with all these different people to see

the Holy Spirit work in their lives. I

remember I went to New York with Young

Life

and I remember this girl getting saved

there.

She went not even expecting

to to find Jesus to believe.

And then when she leaves,

she's in her word. She's reading the

Bible. She actually believes in Jesus

Christ as her savior, as the only thing.

And you know, over the past couple

months, I've watched her lay down

aspects of her life. I've watched her

follow through.

You know, I've seen people who I know

this one girl, she was in an online chat

room and one person just said the name

of Jesus. She said she was on the floor

crying, calling out to him. The very

next day she gets this conviction.

Throws everything out.

And I'm like,

I don't know anything else but to to

hear the conviction and to hear the

direct obedience.

I don't question that testimony. I know

you had an encounter.

I know you know him. It's just every

time

that I question if God's going to do

something. He shows up.

He had told me,

you know, he had told me to leave the

job. I I was spending too much time

there.

And I didn't think,

you know, I didn't know what I was going

to do, but I'm like, okay, well, if

you're if you're telling me to do this,

then you must have a reason. So I put in

my two weeks at same day

and I go without a job for maybe like 2

months and you know I'm looking here and

there but I'm like God told me to do

this. He has some plan for me. I wake up

one day

and

one of the people from Jesus Club, her

mother owns an investment firm

and I just receive a call first thing

when I get up offering me the job.

I know nothing. I've never talked to

her, know nothing about her,

but she [snorts] says if I want it, I

the job's mine. And then

every single time, just every single

time where I I don't think God's going

to do something, he shows up. I I

remember I was in band

and I was just talking about Jesus and

this one girl starts crying. These other

people want to give their life

to the Christ. They want to they want to

submit their life to Christ. And these

were things that I was praying for. And

I, you know, I don't know what he's

doing now, but I know it's something

because

I know I know I've had people that I

haven't even talked to,

you know, people I've gone out

evangelizing with maybe once or twice

and they're just being reintroduced

in such an interesting way. I I see them

turning

to God. I see I see that fire growing in

them. And then just recently, I ended up

leaving the church that I'd been with

for 4 years

from the start of, you know, my

conversion,

from the start of being saved. You know,

I I felt the need to update them on

where [clears throat] I've been, on what

I've been doing. So I I sent this big

message of people to pray for of you

know of things that were going on. I I

mentioned

I went out evangelizing with Jesus club

on Halloween night and I mentioned a few

stories. One of them I was with Matthew

and I go up to this guy this group of

eight guys. This is like the first group

of people of the night. And I say to

Matthew, I look back at them. I'm like,

"Matthew, watch this." And I go up to

them and I ask them if they want prayer.

And one of them, one of them's like very

interested. And they were all just

smoking. So like they see me coming up

to them. They they try to hide the bomb.

And

I'm like, "Do you want prayer?"

And the one guy he's interested, he

stands up. He gets his he gets his

buddies to form this circle. And they

had put the bong down on the ground. And

we start praying.

And I give like 30 seconds for the Holy

Spirit to say whatever he wants to say,

the moment I'm about to open my mouth to

say something, we hear a shattering.

And

it was like someone had picked the bong

up and it dropped it because it it was

just all over the floor.

And one of the guys was freaking out,

but the guy who wanted prayer is like,

"No, it it's fine. We don't need it."

And [laughter]

[snorts] you know, so many things

happened that night. But I was updating

my church on it.

I'm like, you know, this happened, this

happened, this happened. We're seeing

the power of God. We're seeing people

healed. We're seeing people give their

lives.

And I'm just giving them people to pray

for, people that had been put on my

heart,

you know, as people in need.

And the amount of questions

that I got, it it caused some concern.

It definitely caused some concern.

in my church. I actually ended up

getting

a message um

at like 5 in the morning a couple weeks

later saying that the elders of the

church wanted to have a talk with me

about, you know, where I've been, why

I've been stepping away from the church.

And I had been praying

the whole time. I'd been praying for a

few months on whether I should leave the

church or not because I I was given the

paper for covenant membership to become

an official member of the church

and I remember

I remember trying to sign that paper and

I just couldn't. My my hand wouldn't

move.

I I just couldn't do it. And I remember

I had another person in the church reach

out to me asking me if I was going to

become a member.

And I told them that story and they said

that they prayed that God

would reveal

that this was the right choice. And all

I could say to them was [clears throat]

I pray that God's will be done. I have

not heard back from that person since

that point. And that was months ago.

And I was praying. I was praying even on

that interaction. I'm like, Lord, why

why did that happen?

And that that was the scariest part.

Because he only said a few words.

He says, "Because you fell in love with

me." Implying that they didn't.

[snorts]

And that was,

you know, that was

that was hard. I knew them for 4 years.

This is this is where

my community was.

But I I could see that I was growing

outside of it.

I could see that the fire was brighter

in me. So I start praying for the

church. I start praying for the

leadership. if I start showing up 2

hours early praying and just setting up.

But I get I get pulled in

to the meeting and I'm a bit nervous.

I'm a bit scared cuz I don't know what's

going to happen. Only two of the elders

show up

and

they just ask me about the message and

eventually we get into the conversation

of where was I saved and I say Jewish

synagogue. I say, "I was saved in a

Jewish synagogue." You know, and and we

get into like definitions and

just semantics,

you know, well, what what does this word

mean and what does that word mean? And

were you really saved definitionally,

technically?

And that whole week, God had been

showing me stuff about where Paul says

that we are to hold firm to the gospel

of our salvation.

I knew what I saw in that Jewish

synagogue. I knew how I felt.

I knew from that point everything was

different. I knew that I met Jesus then.

I knew that I wanted nothing more

than him.

So when I get when I got questioned like

that, to me it was confirmation

where I could no longer be there. when I

leave, we do baptisms about 2 days

later.

For the past week,

God had um revealed some stuff to me

[snorts] about

why I was still struggling with certain

things, why I couldn't get away from

certain temptations,

and I had been praying against it that

whole week. So, we get to the baptisms

and we're just we're just praying and

praying and praying before we do

anything, before anyone shows up. And I

have seen

deliverance before,

but I didn't feel it. I remember as

we're praying,

I start first I start coughing, then I

start gagging like I'm going to throw up

for about 15 minutes.

But nothing comes out like nothing

physically.

But at the end of that prayer,

I know

it felt like a weight was lifted.

It felt like a weight was lifted.

This was 2 days after I had left my

church. From that point, the sexual

temptation hasn't been there.

like I was fighting against it before.

It It doesn't even feel like a fight

now. It comes. I say, "Lord, rebuke you.

It's gone. Something changed. God did

something."

And that night, I remember I heard him

say that it was finished. That what he

had revealed

to me was gone.

and I held to that.

And to this day, it's still gone.

To this day, I still don't struggle

nearly as much as I used to. And just

recently,

I've started having people from my old

job reach out to me

saying that they've had this feeling

that they needed to talk to me, but they

don't know why. none of which are

Christian, by the way.

But they just have this feeling, this

urge to talk to me. And I I didn't know

God was going to do that. But

they're just more people to pray for.

You know, there's still a lot that God

has to work out. But every single day,

he's faithful. Every single day, what

life looks like in Christ now, it's

mainly been prayer.

It's mainly been spending time with him

because I had been in the church for 4

years

and

the fire that I was experiencing wasn't

bright.

But now I know that I'm stepping up. I

know

that God is calling me to something.

prayer, spending time in the word,

questioning every little detail, you

know, going back to the Greek book,

going back to the Hebrew, every little

thing because the God who created the

universe did not just write

cleanly.

You know, the scripture, the word has so

many meanings. It's it's so deep. You

don't just read the Bible once and get

everything from it. No, you have to keep

going back and going back, going back to

even, you know, Jewish rabbitic

writings. What did they think? What did

they see? What did they experience?

Okay, then why are we so radically

different? I remember I was um going

through Jeremiah

and God asked this question.

Jesus had said of John

that he was the greatest prophet born to

a woman. And then he said that the least

in the kingdom should be greater than

this.

So God asks, okay, well, if we're to be

greater than the prophets, then why

are their lives more holy than ours? Why

are they called friends of God?

Why are we not

why why is so modern church that we can

go to church and then live however we

want?

Why do we keep running to things of the

world to entertainment of the world? Why

not to the word? You know, we say it

that this world is going to pass, but do

we believe it? And so God is just

showing me to lay everything down for

him.