Stop Rambling: The 3-2-1 Speaking Trick That Makes You Sound Like A CEO

If you want better conversations,

conversations where people actually

listen to you, where you stop rambling,

where you sound sharp, fast, decisive,

then today's [music] episode is for you.

Because I've realized something.

Communication isn't a soft skill. It's a

science. And scientists [music] can now

tell you what makes someone magnetic and

what makes [music] someone instantly

forgettable. So, I'm going to give you a

bunch of researchbacked,

neurosciencebacked communication tools

that I've realized almost all of the top

1% use, but nobody else talks about.

This is how you change the way you speak

in minutes, not years.

Mindset shift number one. People mirror

your micro behaviors in about 200

milliseconds. Think like less than the

blink of an eye. This is something

called the neuroecho effect. And it's

pretty wild. So neuroscientists at the

University of Parma discovered that your

brain has mirror neurons that fire

within 200 milliseconds of watching

someone else move or emote, which

basically means people don't respond to

what you say. They respond to the

emotional signal you send before the

words even happen. So if you speak

intention, their nervous system tenses.

If you speak more certainty, their

nervous system calms. If you are

scattered, they kind of mirror that

scattered. If you speak grounded, they

become more grounded. And this is the

real reason that top speakers or the

people that you look up to or the CEOs

you look up to in the world, they look

pretty calm when they speak because

they're actually trying to regulate the

room's nervous system without anyone

noticing. You know, I remember when I

walked into a room of a bunch of private

equity guys. You can imagine a mahogany

table, a bunch of guys in suits sitting

around it. I'm the youngest person by

far. I'm the only female. I know it's a

stereotype, but it's what happened at

that point. We were coming in to talk

about my company and there was no chair

for me. Nobody stood up. Nobody asked to

pull up a chair. And uh they were sort

of all arguing on top of each other,

talking about things, ignoring me. And

there's many ways I could have

approached this conversation, but I

walked in. Then I pulled up a chair and

I just sat down quietly and I waited. I

didn't try to speak over them. I didn't

try to push through them. I just sat

there like I had all the time in the

world for them to figure out their small

things. Because here's why. I made a

promise to myself that I do not make

myself small for small men. And I don't

think you should do so either. You know,

I've walked into PE meetings where

everyone is talking over each other like

caffeinated squirrels. I don't play that

game. I sit quiet and within like 30 to

90 seconds, the entire energy shifts

back towards you because people mirror

these micro behaviors faster than they

actually process your words. They would

never listen to me if I started piping

in, if I stop started shouting, if I

tried to get their attention and said,

"Quietly, let the room come to you."

Then there's this other thing that's

fascinating about the brain and the way

you communicate and that is that the

brain is addicted to novelty, not logic.

So they call this the orienting

response. So if you want to instantly

grab somebody's attention, you need to

give them something unexpected, right?

So there's a Russian neuroscientist that

discovered this reflex. But anytime a

brain encounters novelty, it diverts a

lot of processing power to it. And so

your brain is actually wired to

prioritize surprise, curiosity, pattern

breaks over logical information. That's

how we get you on TikTok with these

crazy clickbait little videos that

happen, right? So the way you start a

conversation matters more than the

conversation itself, which is crazy. If

you lead with something that disrupts

the brain, that is surprising fact, a

bold statement, a strange question. The

brain literally has to pay attention and

then it has to stick there for a second

because it's actually manually

processing it. sort of like a a car

starting up a motor slowly. So, I want

you to ask yourself, how many times do

you worry about all the things that

you're going to say to somebody, but not

just what the first sentence is. Three,

I think people judge your intelligence

by clarity, not complexity. This took me

a long time to realize. It's called the

simplicity anchor. So, a study from the

University of Munich found something

really fascinating. When speakers use

simple language, listeners rate them as

smarter, more competent, more

trustworthy. But when speakers use

complicated or overly technical

language, listeners assume they're

hiding something insecure. Not as smart

as they look. And I've seen this

firsthand. When you go into an

investment meeting, one of the first

things you want to do is you want the

other person to think that you're smart.

You're asking for money from them. But

immediately listen to it next time you

get your spidey senses up on somebody

because they start using words like

cogent and I find this to be divisive

instead of like that makes sense and I'm

not sure everybody would agree with

that. So if you want people to think

you're smart the crazy part you got to

stop trying to sound smart. Simplicity

actually shows a new IQ signal. It shows

a higher IQ signal. The other part about

this that's true is that questions

actually increase dopamine. So they call

this the curiosity loop. Carnegie Melon

scientists discovered that when you ask

someone a question, especially an

open-ended one, their brain releases

dopamine, right? That's like the

happiness drug. Dopamine makes people

more alert, more engaged, and more

curious. This is why questions pull

people into conversations, not away from

them. How many times have you been in a

conversation with somebody and they're

just talking about themselves and you

want to die until like you can get a

word in or potentially, I don't know,

respond to something? That's why one of

the most famous books of all time which

is uh how to win friends and influence

people by Dale Carnegie. The entire book

you can skip it. The book goes like

this. Shut up, listen more. People care

more about what you know about them than

what they know about you. So try opening

next time with something like, hey, can

I ask you something I've never asked

before? Do you want to hear something

strange? Can I test an idea on you? It's

like, ooh, me? I'm so special. This is

just for you and I. It's something

unique. You know, I once closed a deal

because I asked the seller what would

make this sale feel like a relief

instead of a risk. I could just tell he

was like super tight. He didn't want to

sell his business. I actually there's so

many physical reactions people have. He

had these little hives. It actually uh

happens a lot on men. I've noticed when

they're nervous, they'll break out in

kind of red splotches on their neck. And

I could just tell he was in a heightened

state. He didn't really want to talk

about his business financials. He was

kind of scared that they were too messed

up in order for me to want to buy this

business. And so he was getting

heightened and heightened and

heightened. And even though I was trying

to downregulate, I couldn't break him

out of it. But I said instead, I just

kind of leaned in quietly and was like,

"Hey, what would make this sale feel

like a relief instead of a risk?" And

I'm quietly giving it to him. I'm

leaning in, showing intent. I'm very

focused on him. and his entire body

changed because questions chemically

shift conversations,

especially if you pair it with the last

video that we did. It's about

communication and how to speak like a

CEO because your voice literally changes

other people's heart rates. This is

called vocal entrainment. And this one

also blew my mind. University College

London found that humans subconsciously

sync their heartbeats to the rhythm of a

speaker's voice. vocal entrainment. So

if you speak rushed, restless, stressed,

heart rate is going to increase. They're

going to feel stressed. If you speak

steady, decisive, rhythmic, their heart

rate calms. They feel safer. So your

voice is not just communication. It's

like a remote control for other people's

physiology, other people's biology and

makeup and how they feel in an instance.

This is probably why I don't know if you

guys have ever been to a yoga class

where the yoga class is like a super

fast high-pitched voice. Awful. Could be

the best speaker in the world. But they

have to speak. If you ever noticed, they

speak in kind of this yoga tongue like

and downward dog and then we're going to

move into upward dog and then we're

going to Why is that? They're trying to

rhythmically control your breathing. And

this rhythmic language sounds more true

to people. The processing fluency effect

is actually where a Princeton study

found that statements that rhyme or

follow rhythm are judged as more

truthful. And what does this mean? It

means if the brain can process a phrase

quickly, it assumes it must be correct.

See how these lines feel on you right

now. Move slow to move fast. What you

track grows back. You repeat what you

don't repair. It's kind of like, doesn't

that sound like deep wisdom? It's like

you repeat what you don't repair. You're

like, "Yeah, that is true. I've noticed

that, right? Like even before the

meaning is processed, it sounds like

wisdom. And this rhythmic language in

your language can be incredibly

persuasive. And so, how would you use

this in everyday life? Well, sometimes

we call it talking in tweets. So, for

the founders that we teach at Contrarian

Thinking, half the time I'll say, "When

was the last time you actually said

those words out loud that you're

speaking right now?" Like, have you ever

read somebody's email? it's a founder

when they're trying to sound smart and

they're like to whom it may concern you

know please find attached the subject

matter of this email which is uh in

regards to our conversation we had last

week I'd like to follow up on shut up

what that's not English instead think

about how you could say more or what is

called high signal with less words so

high signal to noise ratio and that

might be something like quick followup

on the one important thing we talked

about last week like how can you just be

as concise as possible? And some of the

most impactful people of our generation,

there's a guy by the name of Naval

Ravocant and he's basically known for

having banger oneliners. Banger

oneliners. If you can speak in

oneliners, people will repeat your words

back to you. The simpler it is, the more

rhythmic it is, the more people will

repeat your words back. If you can get

people to repeat your words back to you,

what happens? They follow you. They

listen to you. They think that you are

truthful because you literally put words

in their mouth. If you want to get hyper

tactical on this, there's something

called the 321 trick. And I can't

remember where I stole this from

originally, but it's so good. And so I

want to share it with you. The step one

is pause 3 seconds. So when you are in a

situation where you want to communicate

aggressively, you want to be listened

to, you are in one of those difficult

conversations, I want you to pause for

three seconds. This is actually going to

activate part of your brain.

Neuroscientists found that when you

pause even briefly, your anterior

singulate cortex activates, a fancy way

of saying the part of your brain

responsible for error detection and

attention or lies. It comes to attention

and the pause literally kind of clears

your mental windshield, allows you to

see what is true or not. So somebody

says something you don't like, you're

going to pause. One, two, three. Then

you're going to do step two. Give only

two points. This is called dual track

working memory. the the brain really

can't process too many things at once.

So, it can usually process a verbal and

a visual track. So, when you limit to

two points, both tracks sync. And then,

can you please repeat that point back to

me? So, what am I doing? I'm putting my

hand out there like pointing to a

specific point. My uh movement is

mimicking my communication and I'm

giving them one thing to act on. Step

three, end with one question. This is

how you interrupt what's called the

default mode network. So your brain has

a default mode like the way that it runs

every single day. It's it's why when you

drive to the office, for instance, you

ever like get to the office, you're

like, "Oh, I for like I didn't even

remember driving here." Right? That's

daydreaming, wondering your default mode

network. And questions shut that down

instantly. It like immediately forces

the brain to come into the present

moment whether it wants to or not. And

this is how you pull anyone back into

the conversation, even if they were

drifting. So let's say you really want

somebody to pay attention to you. You're

going to go, "Okay, here's the 321

method. You're going to pause after they

speak. 3 2 1. That is going to make them

pay attention. They're like, "Oh, that's

uncomfortable. What's happening here?"

Two-step. I want to talk about this one

point. Visual plus plus verbal cue. Last

point. Do you understand what the goal

is for this or can we talk about that

one point together? Pulls them back into

the conversation. Super easy trick for

difficult important conversations. There

are some tactical tools I think that we

all should just have in our toolbox when

it comes to communicating. And I wish

they had taught this in school instead

of like whatever we learned in marketing

or communication or writing. You know,

one of the things that's most important

in speaking in this day and age where we

have the shorter attention span than

ever is speaking in sprints, not streams

or what's called segmented speech

processing. So MIT researchers found the

brain processes information in chunks.

Maybe you've heard this before, not like

continuous. So after about 12 seconds of

uninterrupted speech, listener attention

goes falls to the ground. Tik Tok

actually based its entire algorithm on

this single idea that humans can only

pay attention for 5 to 10 seconds. So

why do you think the for you page is all

built on these 5 to 10 second video

hooks immediately? Because they read the

MIT research about chunking. So what

does that mean for us individually?

Speak in 5 to 10 second sprints. This is

so uncomfortable. Nobody does it and yet

it works every single time. I want you

to pause briefly,

then continue after 5 to 10 seconds, and

you're going to watch clarity skyrocket.

Especially try doing this in a fight.

It's a fascinating thing to do if you

are fighting with your husband or wife

or friend or partner or whoever. Do you

ever feel like you can't get a word in?

Like they're like going on and on and on

and all you're doing is waiting until

they're done talking so that you can get

in there and do the same thing. I'm

going to come right back and then you go

on for as long as possible as possible.

that it's like this Mexican standoff

between the two of you just like

monologuing each other until you shoot

yourselves in the face. Not speaking

from experience. And anyway, the way to

get around that is to not do what every

human wants to do, which is speak for a

long time. It's to go, I really just

wish you wouldn't raise your voice when

we spoke less than 10 seconds. Shut up.

Let them go on for 16 years. I really

wish that during our next conversation,

we could sit down and maybe have a glass

of wine while we're talking about this.

Shut up. Let them go on. At a certain

point, the shortness of your responses

allows the other person to actually hear

you, and it's going to shorten theirs,

too. Try it. Comment below. Let me know

if it works for you. As you can see, I

use a lot of hand gestures. They

actually say you should gesture before

you speak. This is called gesture

priming. So, lots of studies on this,

but the one I like the best is from UC

Berkeley that found that gestures

actually preede speech in the brain.

What does that mean? Your hands help

your brain form the thoughts. So, if you

want to think clearly while you talk,

move your hands first. Like, no dead

hands. One of the most uncomfortable

things that you can do actually in

having a difficult conversation is to go

from this, so hands in front of me

talking to people to this, hands behind

of me, not being able to see. Why? What

does this immediately make you feel when

my hands are behind me? Like what is she

holding? What has she got back there?

This my hands are hidden. Why? The

reason why actually goes back to the

caveman days, which is that if our hands

are hidden, we could have a weapon in

them. You know, Jan from HR could be

like, ah, but that's probably not going

to happen. And yet, that is still how

our little lion brain works. And so, no

more hidden hands, no more dead hands,

no more limp hands. All of that screams

that somebody could hurt you as opposed

to, "Hey, open hands mean I want to

communicate with you. Come here. Look

how look how harmless I am." You just

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other thing that I want you to ponder is

like maybe you've noticed this in this

uh little podcast rant that I'm doing

today for you too is that stories stick

22 times more than facts which is

fascinating. The Stanford researcher

found that people remember stories 22%

more than statistics alone. Why? Because

stories activate our sensory cortex, our

motor cortex, and our limbic system.

This is kind of like um if all neurons

were firing at the same time. It's this

neural coupling that lets the listener

live your point rather than hear it. Do

you know what I'm talking about? Like if

I'm just like, "People remember stories

22 times more." You're like, "Okay, I

could remember that number 22%." Like

that's my rational brain. I can process

that. But if I said, "Your toddler

will never touch the stove again." when

you tell him the story about the first

time you touched the stove, how much it

hurt, the pain that he that you had in

your hand, and uh the toddler then goes

to touch it and you mimic the feeling of

how much it hurt and you lick it and

you're like, "Ah, this feels awful."

Like, you're going to remember that

story. So, remember, if you want to

persuade somebody, even a toddler, tell

them a story. Don't use a spreadsheet.

Don't use numbers alone. And that goes

to this idea of perceptual language,

which is based on Cornell research. So

what does perceptual language mean?

Cornell studies show that people trust

speakers more when they use language

based on perception. Let me give you a

bad example first. We must improve

operational efficiency. What what does

that even mean? I I don't fully

understand. We need to see fewer steps.

We need smoother handoffs. We need

cleaner workflows. Your brain likes it

when they can visualize it. You're like,

"Okay, 10 steps, two steps. I can see."

This is why often I like to be on a

whiteboard when I am explaining complex

topics. Why? If you were to explain a

topic to me, I will say I am a visual

learner. And really that saying, I am a

visual learner. You're not. Everybody's

a visual learner. Everybody learns more

and retains more when they both see it

and when they are actually able to

visualize it as opposed to conceptualize

it. So, you know, I remember one of the

times that in our business, more than

any other, we were stuck on a problem.

And the problem in this particular

instance was we couldn't figure out how

we were going to buy this second company

and integrate it, which is called

mergers and acquisition, uh, post M&A

integration. And the reason is because

we had all of these people. So, you

could kind of imagine like two org

charts. They've got people everywhere on

them. There's dozens of them. I'm like,

does Jan go here? Does Bob go there?

It's so overwhelming. And so we were

talking through it and I realized the

only difference we needed to do is we

needed to color code on a whiteboard the

roles that people had at the varying

companies and see which one were

duplicative. So a lesson that was taking

us I don't know 45 minutes to talk

through visually we figured out in 10

minutes when we were talking through it

verbally when we did it visually we did

it in less than 10 minutes. And so any

time that you can do what we call it

contrarian thinking show don't tell.

Next, I want you to think about

replacing these words that I almost

never want to hear from you again with

two different ones. I want you to

replace I think with I've observed. So,

Columbia University said statements

framed as observations are seen as 40%

more credible than statements framed as

opinions. I think is actually this like

it's a low confidence signal. I think we

should do that. Why? Just cuz you feel

like it. I've observed. Well, that seems

to tell me that there's data backed

behind it. So, anywhere you can, you

should do two things as a CEO and a

strong communicator. One would be you

should ask why someone thinks that we

should do X, Y, or Z. And if you instead

want to be the one influencing and say,

I've observed, that's going to lend

yourself more credibility. You can also

use these things called temporal

landmarks because behavioral economists

found that time anchors drive action.

So, you know how when you go to a a

checkout like Black Friday, they'll say

like, "Right now, today, in the past 10

minutes, Barb from Iowa just bought this

new shirt. So did Jan." Like time

creates this momentum. For some reason,

when we see somebody putting a limiter

on it, a time limiter on it will move

faster. You can also use the cognitive

snap. So, this is my favorite thing to

do ever at restaurants. Try it in New

York City. I don't know why mo most

people don't do this. It's so simple. I

want you to use your server's name and

one detail about them. Oh, Tori, is that

your name? That's amazing. I love your

haircut. Uh, I want to order XYZ. Hey,

Tori, is that your name? That's great.

Ah, where are you from? Like, it sounds

like, are you from Australia? One

specific detail. You can also do this in

meetings. Hey, John, earlier you

mentioned your team was stuck. Let me

show you something. I'd love to get your

opinion on this. This is called

self-referencing. So, it's like you're

you're being referential to them first,

which makes their brain think, "I'm

getting a compliment. I'm back in."

Let's say you're talking to your husband

and he's not paying attention to you at

all and he's watching the game and he's

really wishing you weren't talking to

him about whatever you're talking to him

at that moment. I [snorts] want you to

try this. I want you to just say his

name. Hey, John. Hey, yesterday you

mentioned you wanted me to do this and

see if he then draws back in. This is

incredible in meetings as a pullback for

attention. You can also do something

really simple which in this day and age

is not that normal, which is open your

rib cage. This is called postural

neuroendocrinology.

There's a mouthful for you. But most of

us this day and age have what's called a

closed and a flared rib cage. It's from

like typing like this too much and short

breathing. So we kind of only breathe in

our stomach. So when your rib cage is

closed like this, it's going to actually

increase your cortisol. So that's your

stress and it's going to decrease your

testosterone, which is like the

aggressive uh energy that flows through

us. So when you open your rib cage and

you raise your arms, that basically

allows you to have a what's called a

calm dominance posture. And this is like

real physiology. This isn't like a super

man woman posing or anything like that.

When you roll your shoulders back and

you open up the ribs, one, you can have

a stronger voice because your rib cage

is opening, but also it signals to the

other person that you're in a dominance

position. And so you can try that next

time you want to communicate more fully.

I certainly uh believe in this more than

the power posing. And like these small

things are not meant to like manipulate

somebody. This is meant for you to

become a better communicator because I

think that if we communicate better,

then our lives get better. we transfer

more trust and we get the things we want

and often we help other people get the

things they want too and so this

shouldn't be something sneaky you're

doing we're going to actually talk about

taking turns and why that builds trust

faster than agreement and so Harvard

research shows you don't actually have

to agree with somebody to build trust

you just have to share roughly equal

speaking time literally you can disagree

with somebody intensely but just give

them the floor and watch what happens If

you allow somebody balance or equality,

they feel it is just as good as

agreement. And that is why often when

you're sitting on a panel, like I've had

to do a panel before on a news station

where we were on different sides of a

belief about capitalism and the economy.

I tended to think it was good. The

person next to me tended to think that

socialism was better and that capitalism

was not good. I could not have disagreed

with this person more. Let me like get

that straight. Like I from the bottom

marrow of my bones, I disagreed with

this human. I think they were wrong

about almost everything they said on

set. But I made a promise to myself in

the beginning that I would make this

unemotional and I wanted to give my

argument. I wanted them to give theirs.

And so all I did was speak and then

allow them to speak just as long as I

did. Now they piped in a few times to

interrupt me. And what did I do? I

actually allowed it. I allowed it calmly

and then I just said, "You know what? I

just gave you the full 2 minutes. I

think it's reasonable for you to give it

back to me. Would that be unreasonable?

I also love using that would that be

unreasonable as because it it's

basically what are they going to say

no that would be unre it's like you

can't almost argue with it such a good

trick question and lo and behold at the

very end the guy comes up to me goes

that was incredible I think we agreed

about a lot I was like I literally don't

think we could have agreed about less

but he felt good because I allowed this

equity in conversation and after you do

that I want you to end with something

called a cognitive close not a question

so what does this mean people follow a

recommendation ation 60%

more often than an open-ended question.

So, I don't want you to end with, "Let

me know what you think." I want you to

end with, "Here's what I recommend we do

next. Here's what we should do next.

Here's the next steps." That's even

tighter. Here's the next steps. You're

just asserting dominance that that is

going to be what happens next. This is

all leadership. And as you can tell,

it's actually not that complex. There's

a series of little trials we've done as

humans over time to realize that

communication is not a soft skill. It's

not something that you were born with.

It's not something that only some people

have. When people say he's an excellent

communicator, that just means he has

more data, more reps, and maybe more of

this research than you do. But now

you're equally backed. Take three or

five of these lessons, apply them to

your life, and learn what it feels like

to have other people lean in on every

word that you say. Because the game of

business and of money is really [music]

just a game of communication.