Dealing with "Difficult" Children // #montessori

how many of you have difficult children

in your

room how many of you have difficult how

many of you have difficult children at

home oh yeah everybody's got difficult

children so I do I do want to start by

saying I have a bias and just let you

guys know about it is that I don't

actually think there are difficult

children I think we have difficulties

with children now I'm not this isn't

pretend I mean I have my own son and

I've been teaching for 20 years there

are children that no doubt when you look

at their actions their behavior they're

different than that girl who's

constantly making the room pretty and is

always so sweet to you like there's a

difference but what I'm saying is we

need to be very careful that you you're

we're not focused on the bad boy or the

difficult girl let's let's try to get

past that as we go along and look at

what's the behavor havior I'm seeing how

can I work on this how much of this is

me it's going to be a lot of that today

okay so we'll get in some practical

stuff but I just really want to make it

clear we're going through the

fundamentals here if you want a quick

what I do in my child's crying and I

just need the quick answer so he'll be

quiet you can go to Instagram and and we

know that will work for five seconds and

then you'll have the same problem the

next day right

so so I just wanted to get that off

that's going to be a little bit more um

foundational okay um all right let's get

to it let me see if I have

this okay I wanted to start off with one

of the most quote difficult children I'd

experienced one of them um and I

remember back in those days like 15

years ago I I would have when this

happened I look as this this kid's a

devil you know that's what my feeling

was you know um

so basically I was observing in a class

room a 3 to six classroom and if you've

been in Monas for a little bit or you're

starting to see how we do things in monu

when you're observing you try your

hardest not to get involved you I even

was sitting on my hands looking

out

and I looked over and how many of you

have like a reading Nook or a reading

chair or something like that in your

classroom it's so peaceful it's this

wonderful environment right and this

girl was there and she was reading in

the chair she was just having a great

time reading a book and I look

over and a boy starts walking over there

I'm like I wonder what this boy's gonna

do he walks over and you can think of

like a kind of a rocking chair like that

in the corner of a child's eyes he walks

over throws her off the chair like like

strong like she fell off and it looked

like she was going to get hurt she

started crying and balling she runs off

crying the boy hops into the chair picks

up the book and starts reading the

book like nothing happened like it was

nothing and I you know I'd been around

children but this was one of those ones

I was just like what the you know what

in the heck so I'm curious what would

you guys do I mean not as the Observer

I'm not supposed to do anything if if

she really got injured I would have

jumped up right but she was crying ran

off what would you do as the

teacher so see how the little girl is

doing yeah and I do want to make a

distinction which I'll make even clearer

later I'm going to give some some

guidance and some tips or whatnot and

some fundamental things but if

somebody's literally like if you caught

somebody they're hitting another child

there's no we're talking about emotions

it's just we need to stop that behavior

right so we all know that when it's an

action a physical action we have to stop

that so let just get that out of the way

the one thing I'm not going to go into

what we did or the teacher did at that

point um we'll go through as we go along

but something interesting as I kind of

over the years and look back on it and

think

about what did the boy do after he

pushed her off the

chair started

reading isn't that interesting so if

we're actually stepping back and what I

say is get altitude so I Ed the plane as

kind of like if we can get out of the

moment when we could get worked up on

our own child other children

whatever isn't it interesting that it's

not like like let's say some 25y old

you're walking down the street and he

runs up and mugs you it's not like he's

you know doing something positive after

he Muggs you like he just robbed you

it's not like he or somebody just came

up and just punched you in the face and

ran off and that happens with children

they'll Punch or hit or this kid started

to read so it's just something to be

interesting about if you get some

altitude he wanted that book so badly

that he was ready to push her off the

chair but he wanted to

read so we actually want children that

want to do things like read eating doing

the materials so when we see a child

ripping a material out of another

child's hand to use it or book often our

focus is on what is he they're ripping

it out of the hand we need to fix that

but we're we're we got to get some

altitude at some point and say but is

actually interested in the in the pink

Tower that's pretty cool or he's

interested in reading now of course we

do not want a boy or a girl or any human

being pushing shoving kicking biting but

I'm just saying we want to always try to

get altitude in any moment we have

with the children with ourselves with

everything cool so that's going to be

just a a fundamental element of dealing

with difficult children uh here's Maria

monor about

discipline our in our system we

obviously have a different concept of

discipline the discipline that we are

looking for is active we do not believe

that one is disciplined only when he is

artificially made as silent as a mute

and as motionless as a paralytic such a

one is not disciplined but annihilated

so I want you to be thinking about we

this is about quote difficult children

but what about that child who's so timid

in your room that will do anything you

ask of them they never cause any trouble

they do everything the teacher

wants everything their friends want they

never cause trouble they're never

difficult is there a problem with that

child that's just as significant but

we're not seeing it because that child's

not difficult yeah so discipline is

really at the end of the day it's

self-discipline we need to help children

become self-disciplined which could be

talking up if somebody hurts you you

know it's not just not hurting somebody

it's when when you get hurt you have the

discipline enough to say I don't like

that you know so it's just a broader

vision of discipline of broader vision

of thinking about this whole topic of

difficult children yeah um Maria monor

could get altitude because I think she

had a she had a way in which she could

see

the man or the woman in the

child how many of you read Mar monor's

works I recommend you dig into the ones

you know like I'll give you one at the

end just a simple one it's a really thin

one oh yeah it's right here Maria monor

speaks the parents there's no excuse for

you not to read a book this size right

so thin it's a simple one um but she has

a way in which she talks about children

as if she already sees this wonderful

human being that's the altitude I'm I'm

talking about right these children are

working on themselves so I want to be

thinking about that three-year-old who's

tossing crap all over the room we want

to think about that development we're

working on this now it's not just about

tossing in the moment but when he's 30

is what I'm going to do in the moment

for this quote difficult CH child

helpful long range or is it just to get

him to stop right now you

know all right so gain altitude is going

to be on our agenda so these are the

things that we're going to go through

Foundation what's out what that our

foundation with monor that helps to deal

with quote difficult children two

difficult practices so um somebody was

in here earlier and I think on the Big

Talk somebody was saying like oh I feel

Joy every day and somebody was like saw

the the spilled water and that's like

joyous how many of you have reached the

level where that's joyous when you see

spilled water all over the

floor no maybe some okay but I say two

difficult practices because our work

with the children can be quote

difficult depending on where we're at

you know and then let's go live examples

Q&A push back we're not going to have a

Q&A push back at the end it's just going

to be going back and forth just going to

hear what's going on with you guys right

and then uh we will wrap up with closing

recommendations and how you can contact

me if you want and so forth okay so

we're going to hop right into things

question for you what does a difficult

child look like to you what are they

actually maybe in your room

or a child that is having difficulties

yeah yeah interrupting other the child's

gloriously involved with the material

and child just comes up and swats the

work or is in their ear just jber

jabbering jber

jabbering

yep yeah what they're supposed to be

eating and they're falling off their

chair they're going and see what do you

have for lunch across the

room right now we again this is this is

that a difficult child or is that a

child that we have difficulties with you

know so think again I'm trying to think

about it like that did you want to add

something on the table in the

back hitting pushing biting yep swearing

swearing swearing could be difficult

right

yeah looking for negative attention yeah

so some of this stuff swearing negative

attention where are they getting that

from

maybe reinforced maybe at home so

there's a lot there's so much going on

right so we're going to deal with what

we can deal with and see how things go

yeah all right gain altitude so we had

that boy pushes the girl off the off the

chair right now in this case again if a

boy did that for me if if this were my

classroom he'd be holding my hand for a

lot of that day and and I don't know

what happens the next day we'll see how

things go but that day and say oh I

think I think we need to you need to

hold my hand but as we'll see later the

first thing after you stop if he's still

hitting or pushing we're going to get

into acknowledging emotions he actually

wanted to read which is almost never in

any class any any home is it going to be

clear to that boy that somebody sees

that I really just wanted to read and

we'll talk about that a little bit later

um and then the

girl in this case to get altitude we

want children who are able to stand up

for themselves right how many times are

you on the playground or possibly in the

room and you're the one breaking up

problems it's constant right we want

them to deal with their own issues so

you might go with go over to that girl

and we might talk to her about why don't

you let's go talk and tell tell so and

so how you felt about that or what you

thought you know so we're getting

everybody involved right but let's get

some altitude there's that girl with her

water just to give a

sense I'm going to give you a scenario

well actually think about this can you

remember in the last few months just a

day that was on fire was so good it's

like one of your favorite days whether

work home life everything it just like

everything came together and you felt

like you're on top of the world you know

that day on days like that if something

small happens like you threw something

in the garbage and it slipped out would

you be like oh damn it I missed the

garbage again or would it or would it be

like you'd skip over and go and you

would throw it in because it's you're on

you're so high you know you're feeling

good

if I'm GNA I would say if you saw that

girl spill water on that high day when

everything's just like life nothing

could bother me it's like oh you spilled

water let's go clean that up you're just

on you're

high and then on the day when you didn't

get sleep it's the 10th time she's

spilled

water you go over there and you're just

like what the I

mean

again so I want to I want to ask you

think about those two

scenarios the girl was the

same the spilling was the same yet our

reaction is different so again get

altitude and not just get altitude on

the situation but on ourselves that's my

son Ragnar um super cute there but he

can he can be a handful of different

times right now I'm going to tell you a

story that's not very well it's half

positive half negative on me but Lally

I'm I think I'm pretty good like I've

reached a stage where I feel pretty good

but every now and again something will

pop up in me it's ever happened in the

class everything's going well and then

something you're just like where did

that come from you ever have that so I

was at home and this is about gaining

altitude I was walking by his room and I

had not had a lot of sleep the night

before I think I was up working or

something and I walked by and um you

know what let me go

back I'm GNA save that

story I apologize I kind of like set it

up cuz I want to tell you one that's

going to be even rougher than

this okay I'll tell you the story about

him later but I'm gonna tell you the

story about chicken fingers instead are

you guys okay with that okay so when I

was in college it was it was in LA so

prices were very high for rent so we had

five guys in a two-bedroom apartment

okay and one guy was having some

difficulties with all sorts of things he

would sleep 11:00 noon completely dark

in his room we're out there having fun

and he just was having who knows what

was going on with this guy's life at the

time so one day we're all out there

having fun and he's sleeping in his room

and all of a sudden the door opens and

he walks out to the kitchen we're like

oh Jason's up he's walking out to the

kitchen and we're keep doing our thing

he goes and walks into the kitchen opens

the freezer now excuse my language it's

not me saying this but I'm just

repeating what he said we hear from the

kitchen because we're liking who's

[ __ ] chicken fingers are

these so now I think in this room are

there any men in this room they're all

okay they're all women generally

speaking I'm going to speak on a

generality here but generally speaking

when that happens we do not go oh are

you upset about

something you know we don't go oh did I

take too much room in the in the freezer

so he I guess he was upset because there

wasn't room room and he had like a

Costco siiz chicken you know somebody

but put Costco siiz chicken fingers in

there so of course as young like Teenage

old teenage guys again it's a generality

some guys that are more sophisticated

than we were at this stage but we start

picking at them like oh are you upset in

there this type of thing so we're egging

him on he's yelled at one of my friends

with glass like what are you talking

about four eyes they just became this

battle and then something really

triggered him I don't remember what it

was but something really triggered him

he walks off to the room we're kind of

chuckling like oh this guy and out of

nowhere we're sitting on the couch and a

full-size vacuum comes around the corner

flying in the air almost hit my buddy

right in the

face so that that was very close to

being something very violent and at at

some other time it got pretty bad even

worse than that

so the moral of this story the moral of

it's not about the chicken

fingers you you know so it really it

really stayed with me because in that

moment this guy what did he think the

problem

was chicken there wasn't space in the

freezer chicken fingers now to some

sliver of extent it's true there wasn't

space he could he could have made but

it's not really about the chicken

fingers so as we go through today I just

want to be thinking about these moments

is it really about the moment that we're

dealing with is it about the thing or is

it about how we're approaching or is it

about something deeper

inside yeah so Mo generally it's not

about the chicken

fingers cool and remember Q&A push back

you can always push back and be like you

know when we we we start deing with some

real kid examples no I don't agree do it

cool okay and I'll get back to my son

later so prep gain altitude on the

situation and on oneself right here's

Maria monasi the real preparation for

education is a study of one's

self how many are you are new to

montau okay so when you're new if you

went to a different School let's say a

traditional fifth grade class they're

going to hand you a curriculum and be

like hey you got to study this because

this what you got to teach the kids

learn this curriculum and teach that's

what's important and in monor often in

our trainings we're learning about

materials right because materials are

very important how many days do we spend

learning about materials versus working

on

ourselves well so you work on yourself

every day but in your training is there

any guidance on how to deal with the

issues that are surely going to come up

there sometimes I had an amazing trainer

but nowhere near the amount of work than

materials right like the intricacies you

hold this one this way like so much but

Maria monor is saying the real

preparation of education is the study of

oneself so we don't do a lot of the work

that might be needed okay and it keeps

it's ongoing right so a lot of the time

the work that we need to be doing is on

ourselves not necessarily on the child

got it cool and then she was just kind

of going back to Socrates and know

thyself she was a big fan of the

Ancients and just thinking about that so

when I say gain altitude let's see what

what is this situation what what's going

on here long range and then myself how

am I feeling right now in the moment

okay our

foundation monor I'm going to put up two

foundations there could be more there

could be you you might have ideas but

these are the two that I'm going to go

through and here's my son and this is

the story I was going to tell you about

my son okay so I'm walking by his room I

didn't get a lot of sleep and I'm I've

been in Monas for I mean over almost 20

years in some respects related to Monas

and I'm walking by and I see him

climbing this his dresser okay now the

dresser is attached to the wall so he's

not going to fall and hurt himself so I

wasn't worried it was more of I had told

him before not to climb on the dresser

those handles could break my wife had

told him not to climb a but there is

Ragnar climbing the dresser so I on a

good day who knows what I would have

done on this day my what would your

reaction

be yeah it's

like yeah that's it just get get down

okay

it's like get your ass

down somehow I was

able gain a little bit of Zen and I I

but I had the emotion that's what I'm

saying so it's still there something

inside of me is like get your ass down

chill he couldn't see me so I just

stopped and I observed I said I know

want that we need to observe these

children so I'm looking and I see he's

almost at the top he gets to the top and

he goes and he's looking at the things

on the top so he can see from that angle

CU he had never been up here looking

down all of

us that's a daily we don't even think

about it it's a daily but I had observed

and stopped to take a moment to observe

and that's what he was doing on a side

note by the way it just hit me you guys

ever walking around the supermarket if

you have a young child and they're buy

like the milk section they're go oh he's

peeking out have you ever seen that yeah

cuz some of you are like what what do

you mean because they must make those

milk places where they're pushing the

milks in in the other side they must

make them at an angle so adults can't

see them back there doing stuff but the

kids can see them so it's so funny when

I when this happens now so that's what

I'm talking about that like it's a

different

perspective so I saw now does that mean

that he can break things in the house my

hand the handles on the dresser no so

what I did was I went over to Ragnar and

I

said I can see you wanted to get up to

the top first of all he scattered really

quickly down once he saw me coming in

the room I said I can see you want to

get up there and see the things there

but we can't climb up and I showed him

how you could the handles can bend and

then it hit me that I had this little

container let me see like a little Lego

box and we didn't have Legos in it but

just a box for a couple things and I

said you know what Ragnar let me bring

that over and I slid it over so that he

and I put it by the dresser I said if

you ever want to go see the top like we

can see the top use this little stool

thing and he got right up and he and he

started looking at the top and he was so

satisfied but so this difficult child

just became a child who's curious he was

observing but I couldn't see it I

couldn't see it and Maria monor would

tell me why is because we must open our

eyes she's saying we must open our eyes

so sometimes we're not actually seeing

the

children I'm curious with this story has

this ever happened to you something like

that not obviously not the exact thing

does anybody else have a story that hit

them like that when you were about to

act in a way that would not have been

good and it the whole situation got

turned around because you were able to

kind of get some

altitude yeah yeah go for it I might cry

some kids were in the bathroom and they

were spreading dirt on the floor and I

was like like you know like handfuls ofu

and then and then they said we're

feeding the ants oh see you

see you know yeah now just think I mean

there's two different things and we'll

talk about these yeah feeding the ants

just feeding the ants the dirt so we'll

talk about these two different ways but

like the old school approach you would

never know what those kids were doing

because you would have just been like

what the hell are you doing in here

that's the old school the new school

approach is the exact opposite so you're

sitting on the floor going oh there's

ants here let's play in the mud and

throw mud on the walls and they you go

the whole other way and forget that we

still can't have mud all over the

bathroom floors so we'll see how these

kind of this this pendulum we need to be

objective we need to get some

observation learn about children and not

fall to one or the other in your case

it's like oh yeah now you understand

what they're doing and it is so cute

they're trying to feed the ants oh I see

what you guys are doing now let's clean

this up or whatever the next step is so

it's just it's a balance as we go

through um so observation is going to be

huge uh you guys have observation

windows in your

classroom no yes how do parents see

what's going on in the

classroom they don't like that video oh

you

don't it's important that parents can

see out whatever way you do it whether

they come in observe so forth it's

important but

observation one of the ways I've been

able over the years to see what works

with Children what doesn't work is that

I just wasn't only in my own classroom I

also didn't just observe hundreds of

schools I had people come and observe my

classroom and tell me things that might

have been going wrong and might tell me

everything you see positive negative

give it to me so what I'm saying is

observe more this is six-month old Ruby

she's six months old maybe you don't

even work with infants it doesn't matter

let's take a look at what Ruby's what's

happening with Ruby on this floor and

see if we can learn anything by

observing a child

for e

okay so how many of you wanted

to push the the thing towards her oh

that's it the rest of you are good

that's great well I wondered this video

is actually three times a length so I

wonder if if you had watched the whole

thing would you be able

to uh funny enough we had a few guys in

the classroom not the class whatever

this happens to be in the morning and

he's and he's all like oh I actually

would have pulled it back

[Laughter]

farther you can

see that's like a typical dad comment

right um so the the strange thing is did

she like if we're actually just opening

our eyes did she give us any sign that

she needed help none yet we want to push

it towards her or the few of us want to

push it towards her so what are we doing

we're not really observing um monor had

this to say one can pass quite close to

the child and yet not see him it's kind

of wild because we're there we're

looking at her she's not but so there's

some what I'm getting at it again

there's something deep in us and

different ways we're all unique human

beings that we got to work on there's

obstacles that we have in our path monor

talks a lot about obstacles in the

child's path that we're putting there we

have obstacles in our own path that

we're tripping over

right so do some observations get out

there observe in other classrooms um I

was given an example I think this

morning about I had a teacher that was

she had some difficulties with some

difficult children that would like

congregate in this one area of the

classroom do you have like that secret

little area where the kids are causing

trouble you know so she had you can

imagine a room that's going down and

there's like a little corner that was

like kind of you couldn't quite see it

unless you went all the way over there

and and we were I was walking through

with this teacher and then a trainer was

walking through and then she she this

teacher is telling the trainer I'm

having the trouble and the trainer just

said

this that corner right there of this

area could you just put a mirror up in

the corner so you can see that

area so simple

we're going to be talking about deep

stuff today but the ability to do the

Deep observation allows you to do the

simplistic

stuff you can't get simplistic answers

unless you've got this Foundation of

solidness right that trainer could see

some she'd seen many classrooms she'd

also been in class taught herself get

out there be a trainer I don't mean like

you got to go train people but do what

trainers do go observe classrooms have

somebody come to your classroom you know

don't get stuck in your own little hole

right all right so observation um I'm

going to go through this quickly because

we got it in the morning but this was

basically that long passage about the

girl who was so intent using the wooden

cylinders was everybody in the morning

big one okay so she's working on those

cylinders she's really working it let me

see what the book is child and the

family let me get this one for

you I'm going to read the part instead

of reading the whole thing again

um you know what let me just it because

I think it's it's it's going to be

needed and Powerful so yet before me a

4-year-old girl with every indication of

the deepest attention was putting

cylinders of various dimensions in into

a wooden frame she put them in with the

greatest care and when there were none

left she she took them out in order to

put them right back in and continued in

this fashion seemingly Without End I

began to read a story when she had

repeated her little task more than 14

times I sat down at the piano and

invited did the others children to sing

how many of you know 14 how many times

the child did the cylinders you guys

count that closely Maria she was such a

scientist if you read her work that girl

she had so much data it's incredible

anyways the little girl continued her

useless labor without moving useless to

an adult's perspective by the way um

without raising her eyes completely

oblivious to everything that went on

around her all at once she stopped got

up smiling and content her eyes shining

she seemed happy rested and smiling as

children do when they awake the

beneficent Sun from that time on I

observed these same manifestations many

more times that was Maria monor's like

aha moment this is like the method being

developed When the Children had

completed an absorbing bit of work they

appeared rested and deeply pleased it

almost seemed as if a road had opened up

within their souls that led to all their

latent powers

revealing the better part of themselves

they exhibited great affability to

everyone put themselves out to help

others and seemed full of Goodwill then

it would happen that one of them would

quietly approach the teacher and Whisper

to her as if confiding a great secret

I'm a good

boy right

yeah that was a good

timing so an absorbing bit of

work all that happen happen to bring

about this

contentment was an absorbing bit of work

now we don't know what that work is it

could be anything in this case it's

cylinders or something else he's working

on could be cutting oranges could be

washing the windows who knows those of

you who have children grandchildren you

know when they're engaged in some

meaningful work whether it's making

something on the stove or it's in a

classroom doing some math work are they

quote difficult in that

moment there

absorbed they're engaged so we know that

that work there's a key there so when I

say our foundation we have to be

observing and we got to find where their

work is this absorbing bit of work

that's the foundation of any quote good

behavior with a

child so that's our foundation now we're

going to get into the practices now

these are the two I say difficult

practices because it kind of depends on

where you're at by the way with an

absorbing bit of work have you guys

found it difficult to get a difficult

child to do

work yeah can somebody give me an

example of that I'm curious like like

live right now with you in the classroom

not doing

work somebody go for it

yeah yeah go for

it okay so floating around the

room how old is the

child okay a 5-year-old how many of you

have what you're calling a floater or a

Wanderer a Wanderer I have an episode on

this I think it's called the wandering

child monory wandering child or

something but it might be a check out

the podcast episode on this I think it's

pretty good um so one thing to think

about does is there any work that he

enjoys daycare work what's daycare work

um so that's

not consider a toy at okay now some of

you are old school some of you are new

some of you in the middle so I'm sure

you guys have tried different things and

so forth I'm just going to give a couple

quick things here we think about

observation before we get to these

practices observation and an engaging

bit of work we absorbing bit of work

we're observing that they're interested

in some materials but they're daycare

materials so is there any work in the

classroom that's similar in some of

regards

this morning somebody was Raising that

what do we do with all these kids that

are just watching television all day

because they come in the class do they

really want to work with the cylinders

now are the cylinders

outdated because children are all they

want this flashy stuff and the person

said like Tom and Jerry or some cartoon

well I think about this as we don't want

to reject what they're getting at home

if a child's excited about some daycare

toys it's not like put that down do the

real work

or Tom and Jerry at home no no no those

are cartoons you shouldn't be watching

them we don't want a three-year-old

watching Tom and Jerry I'm just that's

that's not a positive thing if you're

curious you don't know definitely let me

know but if a boy comes in the class

he's like I'm Tom and you're jaring

they're running around what let me ask

you this what is

Tom literally what is he he's a cat do

we have parts of a

cat no then get it

get it order it from one of these five

million mono material makers these days

somebody's got parts of and if not make

it what is

that they're out there yeah one of those

material makers make the cat um and then

Jerry's a mouse you know what I'm saying

so there's there there are things and I

can tell you this much I know this is

kind of a little bit crazy but are there

animals near you that you don't like

having around are there are there mice

near you or you guys get rid of them

real

quick I know this sounds crazy but we

have a little Schoolhouse so we can do

crazy things we're not you know if

there's a mouse and you can show them

hey this is a mouse that runs around and

it's okay to show real life things you

know what I'm saying like hey I gotta I

can't wait to tell you what happened

this morning but I came into school

early and there was a mouse just lying

there

I'm gonna I know so some of you know if

you noticed that story before it's like

hey this happened let me it's very

factual it's not scary or dis look at

this disgusting rat I found no it's just

here's a rat so what I'm saying is these

difficult children engage them in

something I'll I can guarantee you if

you do with a lot of the children I'm

not saying all of them but you know the

ones that need this if you got a rat or

an ant something like that show I want

to show you and then a week later you

order from monu materials n now whatever

a parts of a something dude that kid is

going to be

engaged the the most difficult child you

have is going to be

engaged you know so we got to be

creative observe which children would

like that and which children are like my

toddler teacher don't mess around with

rats around that kid at least right now

you know okay so two difficult practices

um this is freedom within limit I'm

going to be talking about Freedom within

limits but Jackson is like this

Perfection monor child and I'm going to

show it to you we can think about what's

happening in this environment that

allows for this child to just be so free

um and then we can think of all the

things that probably led up to it

because a lot of work goes into this so

This Freedom within limits is one of the

difficult actions that we need to be

doing with children

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all right so what comes to mind with

this anything I know we're talking about

difficult children so how anything in

relation to your quote difficult

children he was engaged the prepared

environment he was engaged with the

prepared environment so somebody did a

good job with the prepared environment

here right do you think there probably

were some quote different ult children

somewhere running around that yeah we're

only seeing Jackson right now and

Jackson probably has his off day too

right anything else

yeah yeah and I think it's I'm gonna get

to you in a moment in the back what what

she said about the environment how many

of you that children are allowed to run

outside like that in that big

environment at your school no I mean in

Most states this is in Canada I don't I

don't even know if it's legal there but

most say that's illegal so yeah go for

also I was wondering because it seems

like leaving the classrooms yes did you

see that in and out of different

classrooms so that's also illegal so I

want to let you guys know that some of

the challenges that you have with quote

difficult children ultimately I mean I

don't want to say it's not your fault

because we have to we have to take the

responsibility that we have to take but

we have limitations set on us that

environment is incredible in Most states

I visit half the stuff is illegal

they're preparing food for each other

which in some places is now you can't do

I mean it's just there's so many

restrictions on us so a lot of the quote

difficult children are problem they're

they're product of their environment now

but what can we do to change yeah yep

yeah

you I just noticed that before he

started his

day to be I love how you put that to

just be too it's crazy and you just

saying that just reminds how many kids

are picked up at the doorstep on the way

out of their house plopped in the car

picked up out of the car plopped into

the

classroom the only place they're walking

is in our classrooms and the

outdoor I mean it really is crazy I

remember my own son I didn't quite fully

get it until my son when he would you

know like a baby's crying there was

never a time if he was crying inside

where I took him outside where he didn't

stop crying not once so that fresh air

it's so important so to the extent that

you can we think about oh they've got to

learn their math they gotta go on a walk

if you can't do it talk to your head of

school and plan some trips where you can

figure out how to walk somewhere but get

out so I love that you said that yeah um

so and then this you can see all these I

just use this as an example with the

pencils in some environments that would

be insanely too many

pencils but for them they've got so many

children going back and forth it might

work so Freedom within limits looks

different for each of us as we go but

you need to offer Freedom within limits

it's a guidance of monor saying you

offer Freedom monor talks about Freedom

all the time but we need to be the ones

experimenting how much Freedom does this

child get I know when I was doing

relatively nutritional school we had the

most difficult fourth grader He was

cursing he was saying inappropriate

stuff to the girls he wouldn't do his

work half of that's because of

Traditional School no doubt but I

remember I started offering I was like

you know what you don't have to do the

work that everybody has has to do why

don't you choose out of these two it was

crazy it was like a new child had had

grown because he could choose something

so what choices can we offer these

children that are throwing stuff around

in the classroom you know even the child

is throwing stuff around you know what

it looks like you really like to throw

stuff around you know what why don't we

take a walk outside I'm gonna get and

you call over an assistant if you have

one if not then do it at snack time and

start throwing crap

outside you know the difficulty becomes

fun get a workout out there during the

day that's what I do I go out and run

around with the kids cuz where else are

we going to find the time you know

that's what I do um I say difficult

because some of these practices or these

two they can be very challenging for us

so this one I want to talk about and

when I talk about it tends to be

difficult particularly for us monor

people okay we went from the anger

character you guys know inside out okay

so that was the anger character what I

just went to here is beyond anger it's

hate okay how many of you allow hate in

your

classroom can I get a show of hands how

many you allow hate in your

classroom zero maybe like a half hate

little bit hate like a little so good so

you ask I like this that's what the Q&A

push back it's like push like somebody

says you're allow hate what do you mean

like punching somebody yelling at them

what does hate mean so hate is an

emotion I asked how many of you allow

hate in your classroom but even now when

I say explicitly it's an emotion how

many of you allow hate in your classroom

well you don't allow it it is so whether

you allow it or not can you think of a

way in which you could be pushing away

hate in your classroom the feeling of

hate let me give you the example then

we'll talk about it okay this is by a

man named Heim ganat I got the wrong

book but

and it's called between parent and child

but it's for anybody with children that

works with children why do children lie

sometimes they lie because they are not

allowed to tell the truth four-year-old

Willie stormed into the living room

angry and complained to his mother I

hate

Grandma his mother horrified answered no

you don't you love grandma in this home

we don't hate besides she gives you

presence and takes you places how can

you even say such a horrible thing but

Willie insisted no I hate her I hate her

I don't want to see her anymore his

mother and this is 1970s so just bear

with me his mother now really upset

decided to use a more drastic

educational method she spanked Willie I

would say the equivalent today is that

no we don't have hate in this class we

own we're kind to everybody that's the

kind of emotional spanking is what I

would say we can you can push back but

that's what I would say say

today really not wanting to be punished

changed his tune I really love Grandma

mommy how did Mommy respond she hugged

and kissed Willie and praised him for

being such a good boy right what did

Little Willie learn it's dangerous to

tell the truth to share your true

feelings with your mom when you're

truthful you get punished you get hit or

you get yelled at or you get a lecture

about being kind when you lie you

get what's the opposite of hate love you

get love when you lie Truth Hurts stay

away from it mommy loves Little Liars

mommy likes to hear only Pleasant truths

tell her only what she wants to hear not

how you really feel right now what could

little what could Will's mother have

answered if she wanted to teach Willie

to tell the truth she would have

acknowledged his

upset oh you no longer love

grandma would you like to tell me what

grandma did that made you so angry made

you feel that way he may have answered

she brought a present for the baby not

for me so maybe a younger sibling

grandma brought a present and didn't

bring him one and in his words at that

point the strongest feeling he could

imagine in his words at that point is

hate that's how he's expressing what he

felt so if you push that away you're

pushing away how he

felt right okay so anybody have some

push back that no I still don't feel

like we should allow that

emotion you just re that emotion you're

saying

he like happen yeah so you could say

something like oh you're really upset

with Grandma tell me more I think that's

perfect because you're helping them to

use the language all I'm saying is don't

push away what he used you know

yeah yeah at the end so it's possible

once he communicates that with you so

you acknowledge the emotion often when

you acknowledge an emotion oh you're

really upset they're like oh yeah and

then you go can you tell me more or you

say something and then they'll start

communicating a lot of times they think

about teenagers today that don't talk to

their parents why is that because their

parents don't often listen they want to

jabber at them oh you should do this you

should do that even a teenage girl who

sells her mom or dad I I feel ugly what

does mom or dad say oh you feel ugly no

what do they say you're beautiful and we

all know somebody can tell you that a

million times but if we don't believe it

ourselves it's worthless yeah I was just

going to say and I think a lot of us

like you said before are trained in the

materials so if we're observing

something and we see a person or what

they may mean to guide them and we have

more of practice with that don't have

practice with observing or hearing

something and then trying to get to the

bottom of it to say what's really going

on here because to for the child we

can't identify that emotion as adults we

have a hard time sometimes identifying

our emotion like you said with okay I'm

I'm mad now about the dresser and so

maybe I'm just going to react in that

moment instead of like stepping back and

saying okay now my you know I'm a mad

because it's the 10th time

or like often in our classroom this will

be a big one maybe in your guys too

there'll be you know the biggest most

powerful thing sometimes kids can say

will be I'm not going to be your friend

not coming to my birthday you're not

coming to my birthday you know and do

they really know they're just looking

for some type of locus control because

they think you know they've been wronged

in some way and they want something

you're not my friend did you play with

someone else it's just black and white

so let me I think what's what's

important to get at here is when I say

acknowledge emotions let me see what's

what's up here next to I don't mean that

we have to become the therapist so

that's what we have to be careful with

because Maria mon has this quote that's

like it hit me hard it's like a child

without a secret becomes an adult

without

personality think about that a child

without a secret becomes an adult

without personality

we parents we teach we want to know

what's going on in there and Monas talks

about this timeing time again we can't

know everything what's happening inside

the child but we can see if a child is

Raging or saying I'm not going to be

your friend anymore and she comes up to

you and says I'm not going to be her

friend anymore we can see that oh you're

upset with her we can see that much we

don't know the Deep stuff going on we

don't know if it is deep or just that

she took one of the toys we don't know

but we can't acknowledge what we see or

You might have seen it she comes up and

says I'm Not Gon I'm not your friend

because you just took that from me it

doesn't have to be an emotion you could

say oh you're up you she just took that

from you doesn't have to be an emotion

oh they just want to owledge what's

happening so that's why I love what you

said pointed that out we do that a lot

in our classroom about the person also

who might have you know the pencil or

whatever is taken from them for them to

be able to how they about it even though

it seems like maybe a lot right at that

moment it's not really because the whole

dynamic changes when that child has a

voice and says as I didn't like that and

so it's like giving voice to people as

well in that moment and it really

carries a lot of weight between the

children yeah really between them and

the yeah and you're and you're modeling

this too every time you acknowledge

emotions they're seeing what you're

doing the one thing I would say is be

careful in a monasi class and Maria

monasi talks a lot about this is that we

want to be careful about how much we're

quote correcting if a child is biting

another child we are correcting we're

getting that child away from the other

one if a child does something that you

don't think is really the sweetest or

kindest thing do a Grace and courtesy

lesson the next day you don't always

have to come in and break things up and

make things peaceful again if somebody's

being outrageous to another person

spitting in their face screaming at them

push in them obviously that's when you

step in but be careful that we're just

not becoming like the Peacekeeper Of All

Times nobody likes somebody over their

shoulder like the littlest thing you

know I saw this with some boys uh at our

little Schoolhouse you know they're

they're trying to figure out how far can

I go with like wrestling and so forth I

know at normal schools you got to be

very careful because you know any kind

of physical contact but a lot of that is

like learning what can we do if a child

says stop that means stop but if kids

are like just doing bumping into each

other that's what children do that's

what guys do sometimes that's what girls

do who knows so we got to be careful you

know um so here's how G up it takes

great wisdom to realize that all

feelings are legitimate the positive the

negative and the ambivalent we need to

learn this all of our all of the

feelings good bad how about Envy any of

you like to feel

Envy who just loves to feel Envy nobody

right but I I once spoke with this lady

she was like 990 years old she was

wonderful to me she said she said you

know what I think I was telling her I

was like oh I hate this and she said you

know what I I I mean I don't love it but

when it happens I don't push it away

because it you know what I realized With

Envy it tells you something what does it

tell you you want something now you have

to do the work to figure out is it a

positive thing or a bad thing but it

does tell you something so when we push

our emotions away we don't get that

information we don't get that insight

and it just gets pushed pushed pushed

pushed pushed so let's not push away our

children's emotions right um emotions do

not equal actions some people say like

with the hate you can't just run up I'll

give you two examples well actually the

child here is a great example you can't

push somebody off the chair because you

want um the book basketball coaches lots

of different coaches run on the court

and start throwing chairs that's

completely inappropriate now is his rage

at the referee valid he valid in the

sense that he can feel it but you can't

act on it so I don't mix up this

acknowledge emotions with allowing

Ridiculousness in the classroom not

saying that how about this

one now what's weird about this is I'm

I'm not political in any I mean I have

political beliefs but I don't like

either side guys to be honest with you

this is not political this is just human

being we're talking about and I'm sure I

could find something on the other side

just as ridiculous as yelling this this

I hate Taylor Swift That's capitalized

with the exclamation point that would be

like if I'm here and I just walk I I

hate you it's like how old are you

dude you know so this is that's not I

mean he has an emotion I'm not even sure

if it's real like I don't know if he's

sitting at home really feeling rage

towards Taylor I just don't know I don't

think anybody it's very hard to find out

what's inside other people's heads at

times but this type of lashing out this

is not emot this is not emotion this is

an action he's taking action it's like

if a child ran up to you spit in your

face I hate you and spit in your face we

can acknowledge the emotion but we also

need to do something about that action

that's inappropriate right so I just

want to make that distinction and again

this is not political I'm not left or

right I gotta tell

you uh here's my son doing all sorts of

actions that are

problematic um

oh I don't have the other side I don't

know where let me see if it's somewhere

else hold on I'm going to say these are

difficult oh yeah it's right here so

I'll give you an example how many of you

have this happen sometimes how many of

you are three to six teachers okay so a

lot how many of you are toddler teachers

okay how many of you above Elementary

the okay so not very so you we'll all

have this little form of this but say

this little girl I was down in the hall

and I saw my wife the way she was

talking to this girl but this girl

walked in the classroom she had been

doing it the last few days she had a toy

in her hand I want to bring you in the

classroom how many of you have that

happened right and it can become a

battle so she started crying I want to

bring this in the classroom and of

course you know parents are very smart

they don't want to deal with it in the

car right now that's a problem with

parents and that's a whole another issue

we I I do parent I do a whole I don't

even know where I put the thing I do a

whole talk on on parents parent

communication because that's a whole

separate issue right but let's say we

just have to accept that the parents are

like they just push him in you know so

she comes in with a toy what what I'm

saying is what's the first thing she has

this toy you've told her before she

can't have toys in the class and we

don't have it you've been super kind

what's the first thing we do when she

comes to the door with a tour and starts

crying about why and bring it in the

classroom see you we got to put it away

we immediately put it away immediately

put it away I I'm just trying to think

of a good analogy with us like I come

home and my wife's like oh look at this

cool thing I'm put it

away what would that be

like so we need to get in their shoes

first thing we need to do is like oh

you've got a toy you want to bring in

the

classroom is that so

hard is that so hard

so at the least she's going to feel like

oh this person gets me now do we go the

other pendulum like in the in the 60s or

throughout most of History would have

been like put that thing back that's

what Mo most of human history that's how

we treated children now we we're so

sophisticated now it's like oh you want

to bring the toy in the classroom come

right in let's just sit on the ground

and throw toys around like we've gone

the whole other way you know so what I'm

saying is acknowledge

emotions and then so you go oh you want

to bring that toy I can see you're so

upset let me let let's put that toy

right here and oh I have something I

wanted to show you and then you move off

and you guys have done this now

sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't

and sometimes it doesn't sometimes

people need to cry sometimes adults need

to cry sometimes she needs to cry and

often in a monory classroom another

child walks by to console and sometimes

nobody wants to console because they're

busy working right now and that's okay

she can cry a little bit and then she

learns to self soothe it's not the

teacher's not being

mean so this is the type of action but

just that acknowledge emotions first yes

exact think she gave her choice between

you know because it was the first time

with this

person you can put it in this chair

outside on on our deck where you could

put in your backpack and so she took her

outside and put in the there and she

loved it she loved having it it wasn't

in the classroom it's her space it

happened again and all I had to say was

oh you brought another friend to school

and she immediately pointed at the door

there you go opened the door and she

went outside put it in the chair came

back in was super happy there you go and

I think you know you coming in as a new

teacher and seeing that that's the

beauty of monasi that's the beauty of

having a classroom where that child has

things to do because I can tell you when

you don't have things to do so that's

that's a sign that something's going

right in that classroom cuz otherwise

they're just going to be so attached to

this thing you know um so you do your

little strategies like this to make it

work but the first thing is just

acknowledge that they're upset you know

you guys ever feel like

that so for those days where you just

like you don't have the you don't have

the bandwidth to do even acknowledge

emotions you know those days here's

Magna Gerber if you haven't read her Ely

read her and Mom in the back Magna

Gerber for 0 to three is like gold so

I'm telling you um here she is be honest

with a child it's okay to say I'm tired

right now I'm listening to you but I'm

tired that teaches a child reality you

must listen to your own needs too in

this way you will also help him learn to

listen to his we need to be okay

acknowledging our own emotions Al I've

learned this so much with my own son now

when I if I'm like oh man I'm just

really I'm just really tired now he

looks at me like you're telling me this

you know they just feel like oh my gosh

I'm like I'm I'm big like you or

something it's just this emotion so you

can share with them don't unload on them

last night the [ __ ] that happened last

night

like no no um here's mon story I have

myself sometimes been too severe with a

child so we all can have our days

right uh and those are the two that I

wanted to go through I can't I'm not

going to get to this guy because we're

not going to have time but here's a

quote from him G I have come to a

frightening conclusion I am the decisive

element in the classroom it is my

personal approach that creates the

climate it is my daily mood that makes

the weather as a teacher I possess

tremendous power to make a child's life

miserable or joyous I can be a tool of

torture or an instrument of inspiration

I can humiliate or humor hurt or heal in

all situations is my response that

decides whether a crisis will be

escalated or deescalate ated and a child

humanized or

dehumanized so in monor we definitely

prepare an environment and I know we're

often told and I think it's true that

our ideal situation is when we're no

longer needed we're not even in the

environment or a walk away but I can

tell you our person stays with the child

they absorb how we are as a human being

the relationships we have with them so

we got to be very careful what we're

giving the child

right um if you have one of those days

where it's just there's too much going

on how many of you take like a chill

moment to regroup after a

week not many huh how many of you feel

like you need that though yeah so what I

would say is start with 15 minutes find

a spot that's very cool for like this

was just some Cafe that I had found like

find a c can can you guys do 15

minutes yeah

if you can't do 15 minutes that's that

is the problem right so you find a cafe

even you can actually ask somebody a

friend of yours that you respect to come

in and talk to them about the difficult

child see what they throw at you um

here's some of the people that I look to

when I don't have a friend in front of

me um that's Da

Vinci every now and then go away have a

little relaxation for when you come back

to your work your judgment will be

sure have you ever gone and like relaxed

a little bit and come back and felt

worse no that's like that old line about

the gym have you ever gone to the gym

and regretted going to the

gym never it never

happen here's Thomas Ed Edison I have

not failed I've just found 10,000 ways

that won't

work now he's talking about the light

bulb but you know guys it's really crazy

I was I've talked so many different

people about quote difficult children

and it's amazing that every you don't

know when the moment's going to be when

that quote difficult child becomes your

favorite child and sometimes they are

your favorite child and they're the

difficult child right you got to keep at

it keep experimenting keep trying new

things and the 10,000 onth time the

child will be yours you know in a

way monor progress is not linear so I

think this is a really deep quote of

Maria monor and it's just like I I'm

curious like this is this non how how

many of you your life has been like

this right it's like this hopefully

we're going up but it's like this going

up and that's what she's getting at and

it's the same with the child if you've

been in this game long enough or been in

this field you have experienced a child

that you thought was like oh my this is

a monster and they come back and visit

you 10 years later and they are a gem I

had the experience so that's that

altitude you we just can't know 100% we

can try different things that we've been

talking about throughout this but we we

just never know when the change is going

to be so we keep

experimenting the chicken

fingers what's wild about this one is

about 10 years later after we had

graduated everything my buddy was

getting married and we had this like

there was a wedding party before

something with like 50 people and I look

over and it's Jason and he's over there

and I'm like oh man I haven't seen this

guy 10 years I was thinking to myself

what because it wasn't just this one

episode like it had become problematic

for everybody and he walked over to the

table and he looks hey Jesse and it was

amazing the he looked pretty good too

and I was like this this guy looks good

and he says he says I just want to tell

you first thing I just wanted to I just

want to say I'm sorry for kind of all

the drama that was going on during

college and then that would he said that

and then he starts talking about the

cool stuff that he's doing now and it

was really awesome stuff like he was

coaching a basketball team a and all of

the an all the upset not really anger

but all the stuff that I felt about him

was just like that was gone because he

apologized and he's up to good stuff

just like that difficult he's up to good

work he's engaged in good work and he

came up and kind of made recompense you

know um so progress is not linear it's

not linear I just want you to keep that

in mind with the kids um let me just go

here the one thing I did want to get to

you guys is these this so Maria monor

speaks to

parents this book what like this is one

of those simple books right it's got

some of her like core stuff and she's

not as flowery as she normally is she's

talking really nicely to

parents grab that one for the

foundational stuff the prep and the

foundational stuff it's for younger kids

but it can be for everybody between

parent and child does everybody know the

book how to talk so kids will listen and

how to listen so kids will talk he was

their

Mentor so we have a lot of people today

that are kind of like Instagram stars

and so forth and they're using other

people's work and they're just

repackaging it go to the source this

guy's this guy's the source so some of

it's a little dated because he's in the

7 60s and 70s but go to that guy oh here

um and I'll put it on actually this is I

want to give you I have a handout for

you okay if you want to be added to my

email list I have a podcast and I put

one out about once a month I don't send

spam I like it's literally once every

month or once every two months um and

then if you want any info about trying

to have me speak at your school or event

you can check that box or you'd like to

tell me something I love feedback

positive negative whatever write it if

you have any question or anything

definitely come up and you can email me

I think I put my email on there oh I put

monor education.com but it that's my

website you could just do Jesse monor

education.com

oh and this is just the ending I want to

show you the picture of my son so my

wife had taken this Photograph she comes

out she's like Jesse look what Ragnar

did so now I he wanted to get even

higher so the stool was no longer enough

so I brought that learning towel he

might have in a kitchen into his room

and we have like there's cows outside

our neighbor has cows wild enough um and

he had pushed it he had gotten off his

bed he had got up and he could just walk

over he pushed it over and he's looking

out the window to look at the cows and I

just thought like I went from a

troublemaker

climbing climbing the dresser to a child

who feels free enough that he can move

the learning tower on his own look

outside and see what he wants to see so

find the ways with that difficult child

that we can help them to see what they

want to see explore what they want to

explore without pushing a girl off a

chair or biting their neighbor so again

there's sorts of little quick practical

things for like biting like carrots and

all sorts of the tricks you know so I've

got all sorts of Tricks but I think

what's really important is these

fundamental things for the long range

for

us all right that is it yeah we're good

cool thank you