Yuko Munakata: The science behind how parents affect child development | TED

Transcriber:

A few years ago,

a student came up to me after the second day of my class

on parenting and child development.

She hesitated for a second and then she confessed,

"I'm really interested in this material,

but I was hoping your class would help me to become a better parent

if I have kids someday."

She was disappointed.

We were going to talk about how parents do not have control

in shaping who their children become.

She jumped to the conclusion that my class wouldn't help her.

I was caught off guard.

Would confronting the science of parenting and child development,

not be relevant to being a good parent?

I hope that my class changed her mind.

Parents want what's best for their children,

young and old parents,

rich and poor,

married and divorced.

And parenting books promise to show how to achieve the best outcomes,

to address the difficult decisions that parents face every day

and in the process, to reveal why each of us turned out the way we did.

The problem is that parenting books send conflicting messages.

Tiger parenting or free-range parenting?

Parent like the Dutch to raise the happiest kids in the world

or like the Germans, to raise self-reliant children?

The one consistent message is that if your child isn't succeeding,

you're doing something wrong.

There's good news, though.

The science supports a totally different message

that is ultimately empowering.

Trying to predict how a child will turn out

based on choices made by the parents

is like trying to predict a hurricane

from the flap of a butterfly's wings.

Do you know the butterfly,

the proverbial one, that flaps its wings in China,

perturbing the atmosphere just enough to shift wind currents

that make their way to the skies over tropical white beaches

intensifying the water evaporating from the ocean in a spiral of wind

and fueling a hurricane in the Caribbean

six weeks after that flutter of wings.

If you are a parent,

you are the butterfly flapping your wings.

Your child is the hurricane, a breathtaking force of nature.

You will shape the person your child becomes

like the butterfly shapes the hurricane

in complex, seemingly unpredictable but powerful ways.

The hurricane wouldn't exist without the butterfly.

"Wait," you might ask,

what about all the successful parents with successful children

or the struggling parents with struggling children?"

They might seem to show the simple power of parenting.

But children can be shaped by many forces that are often intertwined,

like successful parents, successful genes,

successful peers

and a culture of success that they grow up in.

This can make it hard to know which forces influence who children become.

"OK," you might think,

"yes, it's hard to pull apart all these possible forces,

but we can make pretty good guesses about the importance of parents."

Perhaps.

Well, how many of you know how a bicycle works?

Right, you've seen people riding bikes,

maybe you've ridden one yourself

or even tried to teach someone else how to do it.

Just like parenting --

you've seen people doing it,

maybe you've done it yourself

or even tried to teach someone else how to do it.

We can feel confident about what we know.

When we say we know how a bicycle works,

we think we have something in our heads like this.

Something that relates the pedals to the chain and to the wheels.

But when you ask people to explain how a bicycle works,

they produce drawings like this.

And like this.

(Laughter)

People have no idea how bicycles work.

Or zippers or rainbows,

or even topics they argue passionately about.

When you push people to explain how these things work,

they usually can't.

Just caring about something, like parenting,

or feeling confident about it,

doesn't guarantee that we understand it.

And everyone can't possibly be right about how parenting works,

given how wildly beliefs have varied.

Mothers in a hunter-gatherer society

regretted when their children cut themselves themselves

while playing with knives,

but they thought the cuts were worth the freedom to explore.

Even within one society like ours,

parenting wasn't a common term until the 1970s.

Before then, parents weren't viewed as active shapers of children's futures.

Years from now,

people may look back on today's views

and feel just as amazed as we feel

when hearing about other times and places.

The science could help parents,

and potential parents like my student,

to understand how they actually shape who their children become.

Millions of children have been studied to disentangle all those shaping forces

that are usually intertwined.

These studies follow identical twins and fraternal twins

and plain old siblings

growing up together or adopted and raised apart.

And it turns out that growing up in the same home

does not make children noticeably more alike in how successful they are,

or how happy or self-reliant and so on.

Imagine if you had been taken from birth

and raised next door by the family to the left

and your brother or sister had been raised next door

by the family to the right,

by and large, that would have made you no more similar or different

than growing up together under the same roof.

On the one hand, these findings seem unbelievable.

Think about all the ways that parents differ from home to home

and how often they argue and whether they helicopter

and how much they shower their children with love.

You would think that would matter enough

to make children growing up in the same home more alike

than if they had been raised apart.

But it doesn't.

In 2015, a meta analysis,

a study of studies,

found this pattern across thousands of studies

following over 14 million twin pairs across 39 countries.

They measured over 17,000 outcomes.

And the researchers concluded

that every single one of those outcomes is heritable.

So genes influence who children become.

But genes didn't explain everything.

The environment mattered too,

just something in the environment

that didn't shape children growing up in the same home to be more alike.

Some people have looked at these findings

and concluded that parenting doesn't matter.

That you would have become the same person you are today,

regardless of who raised you.

On the other hand,

and really, I should say on the other hands,

because there are many caveats to that story,

but I'll focus on one.

On the other hand,

these findings are not all that shocking.

If you think about how the same parent

could shape different children in different ways.

One child might find it helpful when her mother provides structure.

Her sister might find it's stifling.

One child might think his parents are caring

when they ask questions about his friends.

His brother might think they're being nosy.

One child might view a divorce as a tragedy,

while his sister sees it as a relief.

Same event, different experience.

My husband and I experienced this concept 20 years ago

when we were 30,000 feet over the Atlantic,

flying from Chicago to Stockholm to work on a research project.

The flight attendants were clearing the dinner trays,

people were getting ready to sleep.

We hit a patch of bumpy air

and a bunch of teenagers whooped in excitement.

Then all of a sudden, the plane was plummeting,

children and food carts hit the ceiling.

The plane seemed to stabilize,

but then plummeted again.

The ceiling panels flew up into their compartments from the force,

revealing wiring inside.

Debris came crumbling down on us.

People were screaming and sobbing.

The plane plummeted again.

After an eternity, the pilot came on and announced,

"We don't know what that was.

We don't know what's coming. Stay in your seats."

My husband came away from that experience feeling like planes are incredibly safe.

(Laughter)

The airline sent a letter informing us that we hadn't simply been falling

across those thousands of feet of clear air turbulence.

The plane had been subjected to forces greater than 2G.

We learned that planes can withstand forces many times larger.

So my husband feels safe flying.

He seems genuinely baffled by how anyone could feel otherwise.

I get that concept, but only in the abstract.

I've never been able to fly the same way since.

Same event, different experience.

Just because an event doesn't shape people in the same way,

that doesn't mean it had no effect.

Your parenting could be shaping your children,

just not in ways that lead them to become more alike.

Your parenting could be leading your first child to become more serious,

your second child to become more relaxed.

Your first child to want to be like you,

your second child to want to be nothing like you.

You are flapping your butterfly wings to your hurricane children.

This isn't how we typically think about parenting.

It doesn't make for simple advice.

How could parenting books tell people how to raise successful, happy,

self-reliant children,