These Relationship Needs Don't Make You "Too Needy"

The fastest way to destroy a

relationship is by simply neglecting

what it needs to survive. And here's

what I say to people who say, "Well, you

shouldn't really have needs in a

relationship." What about respect? What

about appreciation? What about

reciprocation? If you were dating

someone who couldn't care less about

appreciating you, right? Consistently

spoke to you disrespectfully and refused

to reciprocate the effort you were

putting into that relationship, how do

you think you would feel? If you guessed

miserable and lonely, you're probably

right. And my guess is you would

eventually leave that relationship. But

why? You had food, water, and shelter,

the basic needs for survival. Plus, I

thought we should be able to meet our

own needs. So why leave? Because they

wanted certain things to be present, or

else the relationship wouldn't be

fulfilling for them. Those are needs.

You can call them whatever you want. But

if you say they're just wants, but you

won't stay in a relationship without

them, then you need those to be present

in order to stay. And believe it or not,

that doesn't make you needy. It just

makes you human. We can't enter an

intimate partnership with another person

and not care about what they

specifically need to feel safe, loved,

and valued in this relationship. We

can't say we love someone, but we don't

care about what they need to feel close

and connected to us beyond food and

water. The only reason you got into this

relationship in the first place was to

satisfy one of your needs for

companionship. So, the question isn't,

do we have needs? That's just a

semantics issue. Yes, we all have needs,

wants, and desires that we wouldn't feel

good in a relationship without. Our job

is to mutually decide, do I want to

learn about, understand, and then

prioritize this specific person's needs

or do I want to find a different

relationship? And this is extremely

important. Just because we have needs

does not mean it's our partner's job to

meet them. Right? This is never about

control or manipulation. We can't have

this attitude of, "Well, I need that, so

you better meet it." That's never

healthy. What is healthy is asking

ourselves, how can I meet this person's

need for safety, connection, and

intimacy and not feel like I'm violating

any of my own boundaries or needs. So,

let's start out with our first need. If

you want your relationship to succeed,

you need to trust each other. And I'm

not just talking about you trusting that

they won't cheat on you. That's the bare

minimum. I'm talking about how

everything affects our trust together.

Every interaction, every conversation,

especially every conflict, we are either

building trust or we are breaking it.

Now, this isn't about perfection. This

is about direction. Too many people have

no idea that certain behaviors, certain

attitudes, certain mindsets strengthen

your bond together and protect your

connection, and other behaviors weaken

it. Unfortunately, most relationships

die of a death by a thousand paper cuts,

right? They didn't set out to fight all

the time. They didn't set out to feel

completely disconnected from each other.

But that outcome could have been

predicted simply by looking at the

behaviors of one or both partners in the

relationship. So here's the question.

Does your partner trust you? Maybe they

don't think that you would cheat, but do

they trust that you'll actually be there

when they need you? Do they trust that

you'll listen to their pain? Do they

feel like they can rely on you? Not

perfectly, just consistently. Because

everything else we're going to talk

about affects this overarching theme.

Our major goal is if both of us want

this relationship to succeed, what does

it look like for you to trust me? How

can I show up in the ways that give you

comfort and peace and security in this

relationship instead of anxiety or fear?

Now, I'll agree with you. Sometimes it

doesn't matter what you do. Your partner

still has anxiety or fear. And that

might lead to them being more clingy and

overbearing, or it might lead to them

being hyperindependent and detached from

emotion. They both stem from a fear of

vulnerability and trusting other people.

They both actually create a

self-fulfilling prophecy. When we

subconsciously believe that people are

just going to drop us, right? When we

can't trust people to hold our

vulnerability and be a safe place for

us. When we believe that we ultimately

will be hurt in this relationship, we

will always look for ways to prove that

theory. So we make assumptions or we get

controlling or we avoid conflict or

communication or we avoid intimacy

altogether. Right? We keep things

superficial. Why? Because we know this

is only going to lead to me being hurt.

So, I'll either become hypervigilant and

controlling, which can feel very

overbearing and unattractive, or I will

detach completely, right? I'll detach

emotions. I'll avoid intimacy

altogether, which essentially pushes

people away and proves your theory that

relationships aren't worth the effort.

The point is, both things need to

happen. We need to both be actively

working to build trust in our

relationship. And we both need to be

learning how to actually accept the

closeness we're receiving and trust it,

which is really difficult when you have

a past history of trauma. But it doesn't

make it any less necessary because

relationships won't survive if both

things aren't happening simultaneously.

All right, the next need is for

consistent healthy communication. Now,

for the people who immediately roll

their eyes, for the people who don't

think that communication is a legitimate

need, I can guarantee you they are

partnered up with someone who does. This

isn't about giving someone constant

reassurance because they have anxiety.

This is simply about consideration and

respect. You might not care to

communicate this much or in this way,

but I bet the person you're going to end

up with does. This is about coming up

with a standard that works for both of

you, if that's possible. If you hate

texting, no problem. But you need to be

offering a solution. Are you calling

them more frequently? Are you

communicating with them about

expectations around when you'll be able

to get back to them? Are you just

leaving them on red even though you know

that bothers them? You might not care

about having deep intimate conversations

about each other's dreams and desires,

but they do. Relationships are all about

collaboration. I promise you, they are

bending in this area. They want a lot

more than what they're getting. And if

you could just meet them in the middle,

I promise you, they would most likely be

happy. This isn't about right or wrong.

This is just about consideration and

compatibility. Don't be with someone who

really values frequent communication if

you have no interest in providing that.

That's not them being too needy. That's

what most people need to feel safe in a

relationship. All right, speaking of

communication, we might as well bring up

conflict. You need to be able to resolve

conflict in a safe way if you want your

relationships to thrive. Dr. Sue Johnson

says, "The most important thing in your

entire relationship is emotional

responsiveness." Now, what that means

is, can you provide a safe environment

for me to be vulnerable about how I'm

feeling? Now, I'm not going to spend a

ton of time on conflict because I have

other resources that dive deep into

that. But whoever brings up conflicts

the most, you need to learn how to

express your feelings vulnerably and

respectfully. I feel like you're a jerk

isn't a feeling. I feel like you don't

care about me isn't a feeling. We have

to learn how to express feelings. Just

talk about what happened. Talk about how

you're feeling about it. Talk about what

you wish would have happened instead.

That's it. The reason we get so heated,

the reason we lead with passive

aggressiveness or get really snippy is

because I know you've said it nicely

multiple times before and they didn't

listen. So, it makes sense that you're

ramping up the intensity. But here's

what I'll tell both of you. Partner A,

don't ramp up. Ramp down. Talk slow.

Talk soft. and look them in the eyes and

say, "I don't feel safe to bring things

up to you and have confidence that

you're actually going to listen and hear

me." And that's breaking a lot of the

trust in this relationship and affecting

our connection and intimacy together.

Partner B, you need to learn to listen

and seek to understand their perspective

or pain. Give them the floor. If they

had the courage to bring something up

vulnerably, you need to reward that.

Listen with the goal of showing them,

"If this matters to you, it matters to

me." So get curious about what happened.

What are they actually feeling? Ask

appropriate questions, not to try to

trap them, but to try to understand

them. Try to see the unmet need under

the frustration. That's how you show

them that you love them. That's what it

means to be emotionally responsive. You

can trust that I will respond to your

pain with safety and empathy. You can

have confidence that you don't have to

yell to be heard. You don't have to find

the right words so I don't get defensive

or feel attacked. You can trust that I

care, especially when the stakes are

high during conflict. And I can trust

that you're not consistently looking out

to make me the bad guy. You're regulated

before you bring things up. You're not

attacking my character and you're not

blaming it all on me. You're taking

responsibility for your own feelings and

not making assumptions. And when you

both don't get this right, you have to

learn how to repair. Right? Ruptures are

inevitable. They're going to happen, a

lot of them. Repair is a choice. You

both have to be willing to put your

pride and ego aside and say, "I'm sorry.

this is what I should have done

differently. Can we talk about how my

words and actions impacted you? You want

to talk about needs, you need to be able

to have hard talks with each other and

maintain respect and love for each

other. We all get triggered. We all say

things we don't mean. But how are you

repairing? Can you apologize? Repair

means when things are calm, we go back

to a moment of disconnection and we talk

about it and we take accountability and

we try to validate any hurt that we

unintentionally caused. That's what

leads to closeness and connection.

Sweeping it under the rug never does.

Validation doesn't mean agreeing with

all their details. It simply means your

feelings and perspective are worth

understanding to me. Right? So many

people get caught in these fights where

one person brings something up and then

the other starts arguing instead of

actually understanding. Where they start

sharing their feelings about the

situation. Well, you do the same thing

to me. What about my pain? Here's the

thing. I'm telling you to give them the

floor because they hopefully brought

things up respectfully and vulnerably.

If you're immediately responding with

your feelings, you're essentially

telling them to understand and validate

the importance of your feelings in this

moment, which you just refused to do for

them. Do you see the problem? Okay.

Well, when am I supposed to bring up my

feelings then? Any other time? You could

have brought them up 5 minutes ago

before they even started this

discussion, but you didn't. So, own that

and give them the floor. And once this

conversation is complete, once they

fully feel heard and understood and

verbalize that back to you, then if they

have space, they can take on your

perspective or feelings. Otherwise, just

bring it up tomorrow. And then I would

tell them they need to listen to you.

The point I'm trying to make is you both

need to have a desire for your partner

to feel heard and understood. You need

to learn how to listen to each other.

Reflect back what you're hearing. Nod,

look them in the eyes occasionally. Give

them verbal and body cues that you're

listening. This is important to you.

Remember, our goal is that they feel

emotionally safe with us. That means

that they can speak to us about their

inner world and feelings vulnerably and

respectfully, and we show up, we care,

we listen, we engage. Because when we

dismiss or invalidate or get defensive

or take everything as an attack, that's

disengagement, right? That's breaking

trust and safety in the relationship.

That just comes from our own wounds. And

that goes for them as well. When they

lead with criticism and contempt and

passive aggressiveness, you both need to

advocate for better. Hold yourself and

each other accountable. You want to talk

about a tough need for men? Dr. John

Gutman has studied thousands of

marriages and he says in heterosexual

relationships, when a man can't accept

the influence of his female partner,

there's an 81% chance that relationship

dies. 81%. You're going to tell me that

equality and respect and making sure

there's no power imbalance isn't a need

in a relationship. You're going to tell

me relationships don't need us to both

be able to share difficult things and

actually listen to each other. Let's

just remember our partner is supposed to

be our teammate. you picked this person

out of everyone in the entire world. You

chose this person. And when they tell

you something about yourself that you

might need to work on, or they give you

some legit feedback that could help you,

you don't even trust them. What does

that say about both you and your

relationship with them? Now, of course,

that doesn't justify someone being rude

and disrespectful and consistently

nagging you. Dr. Gottman goes on to

express that we should have a 15 to1

positive comments and signs of affection

and appreciation and admiration to our

partner. 15 to1. But we can all agree

that relationships need some level of

honesty with each other, right? How can

we have a relationship where we can't be

honest in a respectful way without the

other person blowing up, guy or girl? We

can't have a trusting, intimate

relationship when our egos are so

fragile that when they give you some

feedback in a loving way, you only take

it as an attack. It just doesn't work.

We need to be on the same team with each

other if we have any chance at this

thing succeeding. We have to choose

kindness and respect, right? It's a

daily choice. We have to choose

vulnerability. We have to choose

empathy. It's us versus the problem,

never us versus each other. We need to

get on the same team about parenting and

the domestic labor and the mental load.

Because I've been both the full-time

working parent, right, who brings in all

the income. And for the last 3 years,

I've been a stay-at-home dad full-time.

They're both extremely difficult and

demanding. Stay-at-home dad is

definitely harder. So, guys, especially,

get on the same page with her. Don't let

the freaking dishes come between your

intimacy together because they will if

you let them. Don't think you're

entitled to be off the clock when you

come home, right? She's not off the

clock. She's on overtime. And the good

dads and husbands know that they are,

too. You deserve decompression time for

your hard day. So does she. Another

need. We need to respect each other's

boundaries. That's a vital piece of a

healthy, mutually fulfilling

relationship. You can't feel safe and

valued with someone who couldn't care

less about your boundaries. It just

simply doesn't work. We should want to

know each other's boundaries, right?

Because everyone has boundaries. Sexual

boundaries, conflict boundaries,

boundaries around your time and energy.

It's extremely essential to truly

knowing and loving someone that we

understand those. That's what love

requires of us, right? We have to be on

the lookout for ways we can build and

strengthen our bond together. If you

don't know the answers to those

questions, that's okay. Ask. The first

place we should go to when asking how

can I love someone better is them. Ask

them. And if they don't know, which

that's okay if you don't know what you

need to feel loved and safe and valued,

ask them what they know doesn't feel

good. Because often times people can

come up with what doesn't feel good

during conflict. What what feels

disrespectful, right? What feels what

creates distance in the relationship.

Start with that. They most likely know

what they don't want, how they don't

want to be touched or talked to. They

probably know what their parents did

that they never want to imitate. they

probably know what neglect feels like.

So, start there and work your way

backwards. Now, I will admit the reason

people are hesitate to acknowledge needs

in a relationship is maybe because

people in their past have weaponized

that language against them, especially

around things like sex. So, let's talk

about the most controversial need. So,

is sex a need? No. If you're saying your

partner is obligated to have it with

you, if you think you're entitled to

someone else's body, if you're

pressuring them or coercing them or

shaming them for not wanting to do

something sexual with you, no, they are

not obligated to do anything that they

aren't comfortable doing, and we should

never want someone that we love to be

put in that situation. Far too many

destructive and abusive men especially

have said, "Hey, I need intimacy, and

it's your job to meet that." But they

were never looking for intimacy. They

were looking for control. They meant I

get to use your body to feel something.

They meant I'm entitled to treat you

like an object, and that's always wrong.

Countless people, the majority of which

are women, have been traumatized and

hurt and abused by people weaponizing

these words and forcing or pressuring

their partners to do things that they

should never have to do. So, our words

matter when we're having these

discussions. And is it also true that

sexual intimacy can be a legitimate need

for people to feel close and connected

and desired in their relationships 100%.

It's not an either or. It's a both and.

This is where nuance comes into play in

this discussion around needs because

intimacy is a completely legitimate need

in a relationship. But intimacy doesn't

mean the bedroom. That's where culture

got that wrong. And especially men, we

need to realize that most of us are

starting from a deficit. You weren't

taught vulnerability. You were taught

how to avoid it. You weren't taught the

value of closeness and connection. You

were taught the value of independence.

It was modeled for you that the only

person you can rely on is you. But I'm

just warning you. Don't tell me that you

want your partner to be intimate with

you sexually, but you're neglecting all

the other forms of intimacy. It just

doesn't work that way. Intimacy is about

feeling known, right? Intimacy is about

feeling close to someone that you can

actually be vulnerable sharing your

inner world with them. Because we all

have an inner world. We all have

desires, thoughts, fears, things that

make us feel more connected and things

that make us feel more distant in a

relationship. Intimacy means we can be a

safe place for each other to share those

things because we actually want to know

and connect with each other. Intimacy is

about remembering the little things that

help people feel loved the most. It's

not the grand gestures. It's you

remembering how they take their coffee,

right? It's you paying attention. It's

you being considerate and getting them

some water when you get up to get some.

It's cooking their favorite meal just

because. It's all those little things

that over time, done consistently,

create a strong bond with someone.

Emotional intimacy, as we said before,

is us learning how to be a safe place

for them to share their feelings and

fears because the truth is it takes a

massive amount of courage and

vulnerability to actually do that. So,

we need to learn how to hold space for

those that we love when they do.

Intimacy is about them feeling secure in

knowing that they can trust us with

their heart. It's about encouraging

their vulnerability and honesty about

what they're struggling with, what

they're hoping for, what they need in

this relationship, how they like to feel

loved and prioritized the most.

Emotional intimacy is about having the

courage to actually ask them, "How do

you feel in this relationship? Is there

anything else that I can do to help you

feel more connected or loved?" Are you

going to tell me that that's not needed

for a relationship to thrive? Because

maybe that's the argument. I know I keep

harping this point and it's too late in

the video to be doing this, but you're

right. You don't need to do any of this

stuff unless you actually want your

relationship to thrive. In which case,

try having a successful relationship

without emotional intimacy. Try having

one without friendship or mutual respect

or equality or honesty. I've tried it.

It doesn't work. I've dated

self-centered and narcissistic people

who have no interest or capability in

any of those things and the relationship

dies. Not because they have a problem.

They're fine with the way things are

because you're staying and they're

giving the bare minimum. but it feels

hollow and lonely to you. It wasn't

just, oh, this would be nice. This is

just a want. It was I can't feel good in

this relationship and I don't know why.

This was why. And most of the time when

someone is talking about their need for

physical and sexual intimacy, it's not

really about the bedroom. That's a small

part of it, but it's mainly just about

feeling desired. It's about feeling

pursued like they were when they were

dating. It's about feeling wanted. Those

are still legitimate needs in a

long-term relationship. It's about you

experiencing something with someone that

you don't want to experience with anyone

else. I want to touch you and be touched

in a way that's only reserved for us. I

want to be affectionate with each other

in a unique way that we're not

affectionate with other people. Right?

Sexual intimacy is meant to be an

overflow of that safety and connection

that's already established in the

relationship. Sex is the result, not the

cause of intimacy. Right? And we can

label these as just wants, but I still

get messages from men and women who know

the pain of feeling like they would do

anything for their partner. They want to

meet any and all needs, wants, and

desires that that person has in the

relationship. They're loyal to them.

They love them, but their partner isn't

affectionate with them. They have little

to no desire for them sexually, and that

just really hurts. Personally, I don't

think that there's anything wrong with

sexual affection and sexual intimacy

being something that you need in a

relationship to feel like it's a

fulfilling relationship for you. And

it's also not wrong if the other person

couldn't care less about those. And

that's the difference in this argument.

This isn't about right or wrong. It's

simply about you understanding what you

need to feel good in a relationship and

what your partner needs. Because if I

understand your need for sexual

intimacy, but I have no interest in

that, then I need to evaluate if this is

actually a good match for us. And that

actually brings up a really important

point. If we're labeling something as a

need in a relationship and it's not

being met, does that mean the

relationship is doomed? No. Terry Reel

has an amazing quote where he says, "Are

enough of my needs being met to grieve

the ones that aren't?" And that's a

perfect way to put it because our

partner will not meet all of our needs

in this relationship. They can't. And

sometimes not enough of our core needs

are being met for us to feel good in

this relationship. Other times they are.

You have to decide, is it worth it to

grieve the needs that they aren't

capable of meeting because this

relationship is still fulfilling to me

as a whole. The key point that I can't

overstate is am I taking my needs,

wants, and desires and forcing them onto

my partner or am I simply learning about

what I need in a relationship to feel

safe and secure and loved and then

communicating that and collaborating

with my partner on whether we can build

that kind of relationship together.

Sometimes we can, sometimes we can't.

Here's what it looks like when someone

forces their needs onto their partner

because we know we need to trust each

other, right? But what if you're dating

someone and they said, "Hey, I can't

trust you unless you share your location

with me at all times." Or, "I need to go

through your phone every night just to

make sure that you're not hiding

anything." Now, if you refused and you

said no, they might say you don't care

about the relationship because you

refuse to honor their needs, even though

what that person is actually doing is

weaponizing their needs against you. Or

what if someone said, "Hey, I need

constant reassurance from you in order

not to feel anxious or spiral, so you

need to text me every hour that you're

at work." Now, it might be true. They do

need reassurance not to get anxious, but

that's not their partner's

responsibility to meet that need. And

lastly, I want to talk to anyone who's

listening who might disagree with me and

say you should just be able to meet all

your own needs. Some people have this

view that needs equal neediness. If you

need something from someone else, that

means you're relying too much on them.

You're too dependent on someone else.

And from their perspective, that's

unhealthy. I understand what they're

saying. Sometimes we are relying too

heavily on our partner to meet all of

our needs. And often times that is said

by someone who's hyperindependent. They

learned early on you can't rely on

anyone for anything. They were possibly

neglected emotionally or physically as

children. And so, of course, it makes

sense that they've learned to cope

through independence and avoidance of

actual intimacy or closeness. These are

often people who really struggle with

identifying, expressing, or even seeing

the importance of talking about feelings

and emotions, right? Because what's the

point? Every time they've been

vulnerable in the past, it's just led to

them being hurt. So, that's why they

have their walls up. But what happens is

they end up being self-centered people.

Not because they're intentionally

hurtful, but because that's the best way

to protect themselves. But when they get

into relationships, they have no real

capacity or desire to connect with

someone on a deeper level. They have no

ability to meet someone's normal and

natural need for emotional intimacy

because they've never experienced that

before. So without realizing it, they're

creating a self-fulfilling prophecy,

right? They don't actually trust that

relationships are worth the effort

because they keep falling apart. but

they keep falling apart because they're

actually terrified to explore and put in

the effort to building an emotional

connection with someone because

subconsciously vulnerability has always

just led to more pain. So yes, sometimes

it's a combination. We shouldn't be only

relying on our partner to meet our

needs. And in a relationship, we have an

opportunity and a privilege to meet the

needs that we can. That's what builds

our bond together. That's what builds

trust. That's what creates closeness.

No, I don't have to meet my wife's

needs, but I choose to out of love

because that's what love does, right?

Love serves and sacrifices. Love honors.

Love leans in. Love can have hard

conversations and still maintain

kindness and respect. Love considers the

other. Love also sticks up for yourself

and advocates for your own needs and

sets healthy boundaries and holds people

accountable to hurtful behavior. And I

didn't get love right for the first few

years of our marriage, but I've spent

the rest of the time figuring it out and

things are so much better. And I want to

say one more thing. If you're

independent, I can fully respect your

need for independence and autonomy in

your relationship. That's really

important for you not to feel smothered.

I fully support that. If you are

intentionally looking to strengthen your

bond with your partner and you aren't

being self-centered, right? You're not

being avoidant, I would strongly

encourage your partner to prioritize

your desire for independence. That

doesn't mean sherking responsibility or

neglecting anyone. It just means doing

some stuff alone. Some people recharge

their batteries through emotional

connection with another person. Other

people recharge their batteries through

independence. Whichever one you are,

you're probably going to date or marry

the opposite. All I'm saying is let's

both be aware of those things cuz it's

our job to love people in the way that

they experience it the most. Right? At

the end of the day, we don't need to be

so divided on this topic. If we love

someone, we should want them to feel

good in that relationship. Let's not get

so caught up in semantics that we miss

the forest through the trees. We all

have a different idea of what needs to

be present in order for this

relationship to feel fulfilling for both

of us. It's not about right or wrong.

It's certainly not about pressuring

anyone to conform to your way of

thinking. It's simply about seeking to

truly know your partner and how they

experience love and connection the most.

I believe relationships only work when

we're both putting in that type of work.

So, thank you so much for watching and I

can't wait to see you in the next one.