Breaking Free: My 20-Year Addiction to Cocaine and How I Found Redemption

so

today um I come to you alone and

vulnerable and sitting here by myself

Kyle I talk TMS it's been on my heart

to to kind of just touch on my

addictions why this channel exists and

why why I am who I am there's one

addiction right I've I've always talked

about my alcoholism and and I have

touched on my cocaine addiction

but I'm

960 days free of cocaine today I sit

back when I was working out yesterday

morning and it was kind of just heavy on

my heart on how I don't give myself

enough credit for that

Journey because I was addicted to

cocaine for over 20 years in a major in

a major major way there's a point a

large point when I sold cocaine um

to to continue my Habit to support my

habit right they say don't get high on

your own Supply but that was never my

rule

um I got my high on my own Supply so

that I could

maintain my addiction um in so many ways

cocaine was a medicine for me um don't

get me wrong party substance all day in

so many ways I'm an insecure little

boy

and I've been that my whole life

overcoming a lot of things my father

leaving my mother um before I could

walk

um being half black half white I was

raised my stepfather Leroy beautiful man

raised me white man my Mama white was

raised in a white neighborhood but I'm a

black boy you know

and insecurities the thoughts the the

constant brain chatter that comes along

with life you know when I first tried

cocaine 18 years old it was so

freeing it took

away so many insecurities that I did

have in such a weird way looking back

it it's odd to

me how free I

felt how powerful I felt I understand

today why I stuck with it for so long I

do see the transitions in the over those

20

years and why it did stick with me why I

kept it masks and Band-Aids right we do

our best to get by and for a long time

that was how I got by um I mean I I

started off selling 20 bags and skimping

20 bags to there was a point where I was

involved in the transfer of kilos of

cocaine crazy

enough I didn't sell the kilos but yeah

I I got a piece of it and and you know

maintained my addictions come to be a

successful businessman where money

wasn't an issue so I didn't have to do

those things

anymore but I was still able

to not jeopardize well not jeopardize my

financials right my the financials from

my family to keep my addictions hard to

even talk about

but it's

it was always something that I was I I

truly believed I would never live free

of that addiction I never

thought that number one I could be free

but number two I would be willing to be

free of that addiction that was my

crutch that was my that was my blankie

man and how I was

okay in

my in my

rad what I had

created in my brain of How I Got by how

I was able to talk to women how I was

how I was able to to be the man of the

room the light of the party right so

stupid but that was that was me um I was

talking to my buddy the other day and he

was like Kyle do you remember that time

you walked in the party there was cops

in the party and and one of my buddies

Kyle where's the cocaine

at and that was me I did an intervention

one time on a guy and the guy's sister

was like I snorted lines with that

fool and she wasn't lying right and it

was but it's I mean that was me in so

many ways but

today today I want nothing to do with

any of those things those behaviors

those that thought process right it and

it but it reminds me of it reminds me of

the

struggle today I reflect I look back at

the struggle the

mindset the brain

chatter um as a Man Who Loved to sleep

you would not think that I would be

addicted to cocaine I have friends that

would get so mad at me because I would

sleep on

cocaine I could I could snort a line and

eventually I'd go to bed I'd lay down

and I'd force myself to sleep um that

was one thing with me is I never missed

sleep 24 hours right maybe 36 but

eventually I'm going to bed and I'm not

doing the three 4 day Benders that's

just not how I get down but the struggle

the struggle was real and and I stayed

in that for 20 years

and it wasn't

until I sat down with Kevin Murphy and

he showed

me what it was doing to my brain

obviously I knew you know it's s that

much cocaine isn't good for your brain

for your health right but when he showed

it to me it was so powerful to see going

through the TMS

journey I mean i s ordered cocaine the

whole time through my journey the first

40 sessions I I did cocaine the whole

time um Friday Saturday Sunday I was

snoring cocaine guaranteed seeing it

seeing what it did to my brain on my

brain scans it was powerful again I

still didn't think I didn't do TMS to

quit drinking or quit sorting cocaine

that's not why I did TMS living through

that process and

seeing seeing how your your brain

chemistry changes how your Pathways

clear up how your thoughts clear

up how your

insecurities Fall

Away one day it was like Hey I don't

need this

anymore this isn't who I am this is just

a crutch

and a way for me to

pretend that I'm

okay in no

way at any of that time was I truly

okay I was a Broken Man the entire way

through I was a broken little

boy the entire

time and I was just trying to pretend

that I wasn't almost a thous th days

free 40 days I'll be a thousand days

free of that

addiction today I wake up I work out I

take my vitamins I take my supplements

and

today I'm the man that I'm supposed to

be I almost lost my

marriage I almost lost my

kids I almost lost my

life over those things one of my biggest

regrets

my best

friend who took his

life called me right before he did

it and I looked at the phone and I saw

it was

him and I was trying to

sleep I was trying to sleep I

was I'd been up all night snor and blow

drinking and I looked at the phone and

it was Joe krly and it was number one

there was no way he would ever do

anything like that and it wasn't

something that I couldn't just return

the

call Little did I know I would never get

a chance to return that

call

but because I was trying to sleep for

some

cocaine because I was coming down off of

some cocaine you know um very

painful very painful thing to do and and

crazy enough that episode that missing

that phone call just threw me further

into my

addiction that moment is what put me in

a TMS chair in the first place and what

started the process of me healing myself

changed the trajectory of my

life

and oddly enough this is not something

you know I I don't even know how many

videos I have on YouTube these days but

sitting in front of a camera and

talking into a microphone is not

something that I would

do it's never something I wanted to do

you know today it is my passion to

share my experience my journey me

banging my head against the wall to

learn

so that others don't have to and and if

I can help somebody doing this this is

what I should be doing it's tough out

there um it's tough to be a

man it's tough to be a father it's tough

to be a a husband it's tough to be a

business owner it's tough to work a job

you know pay bills have

responsibilities do all the things that

we're supposed to do in a day this

is tough

and in a lot of ways we just make it

harder on

ourselves we

think that bottle that line makes it

easier that joint will make it easier

but it's

not it's a coping

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mechanism it's a crutch it's a blankie

it doesn't make it

easier take it from me me I've been

there I've done

it thousands of times um that girl that

thinks you're cute that text that you

get from her from the wrong woman at the

wrong time it's it's the worst it's the

worst thing that you can do man a lot of

us have exactly what we need in our life

and all we need in our

life and I mean me personally I've I've

jeopardized my marriage

luckily I have a very understanding wife

and I'm so fortunate to have my wife in

my life and by my side to walk with me

hand in hand baby I love you so much and

I thank you for sticking with me through

this journey through my mistakes through

my UPS my Downs my kids I love my babies

and I've jeopardized them you know

there's a song how can a father

enjoy their kids and then jeopardize

them and those things hit hit so

hard but it's something that we

do it's something that we do every day

and it's so

stupid but

today I don't I don't live that life

anymore

um I get to enjoy my kids I get to love

my wife

I get to be the man that they

deserve and there's there's truly

nothing

better all those all that drugs the

alcohol thinking that that's where my

brain needed to be no that's not what it

is I was a slave

to to those addictions I was a slave to

the behavior the

mindset I was a slaved to the

devil and today I worship Jesus

Christ and I know that he's put me right

where I'm supposed to

be he's blessed me with so much

and TMS was the was the blessing it was

the the key to

unlocking

this and and helping me figure out that

uh you don't have to live that

life you can be

free there is a

way I knew well I I truly thought I

would never get out of that

life that process that cycle that ugly

ass cycle that I was stuck in for 20

years and today I sit here and and I I

testify that that is just not the case

do yourself a

favor even if it's not TMS right if it's

AA if it's if it's a therapist whatever

it is find a way out and I know there's

so many people struggling I got a call

yesterday on the way to

work guy crying cuz he was in the same

position that I was in 959 days ago or

61 days ago

sorry he's in that position today man

and jeopardized his wife his kids and

all that and it just it put me right

back and there is a way out we do not

have to live that life

and if you know me if you don't know

me I'm the guy you're talking to in the

chats I'm the one answering your

questions I'm the one responding to you

directly leave a comment below right I'm

more than happy to talk to you I'm more

than happy to help you find find a TMS

chair find a group find something man um

we are in this together you are not

alone I it is

my it is my passion it is my job to help

anybody who wants help I'm here I don't

give a I got a supporting wife that

woman supports the out of me um

this is all

self-funded um I went from selling

cocaine to support my my cocaine

addiction to living a life where I get

to I get to truly help people today and

and that's that's my job and I will do

it so if you need my help man I'm here

do me a favor make it a great day and if

you can't let's try and find you a way

so you can

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