How to stop feeling anxious about anxiety | Tim Box | TEDxFolkestone

[Music]

hello my name is Tim box and I feel

anxious I feel anxious about whether or

not I'm gonna remember what I came here

to say I feel anxious about whether or

not you guys are going to agree with

what I came here to say and if I'm

completely honest up until about 30

seconds ago I felt a little bit anxious

about the possibility of tripping up

this rug on the way out but I think

feeling anxious about these things while

seemingly unhelpful is perhaps

understandable

after all it's important to me that I

say exactly what I came here to say that

my message gets heard and I achieved

this without falling flat on my face

yeah right now anxiety makes sense but

there was a time in my life when I

anxiety really didn't make sense I used

to feel the kind of anxiety that meant I

would struggle to even walk into a room

with this many people in it let alone

stand at the front and give a talk now

obviously something has changed since

then otherwise I wouldn't be standing

here now and I think the main thing

that's changed is that whilst I still

experience anxiety I no longer suffer

with it but I didn't achieve this shift

by trying to get rid of it now don't get

me wrong back in the day that's exactly

what I was trying to do I would do all I

could to avoid any anxiety inducing

situation I would arrange my daily

movements specifically avoiding social

situations if I felt anxiety starting to

flare up I'd run away I do all I could

to retreat to safety and then employ

various distraction techniques to take

my mind away from the horribly

uncomfortable feeling that something bad

was about to happen it turns out that

was my big mistake you see you don't get

rid of anxiety by trying to get rid of

it truth is you don't get rid of anxiety

at all now by some twist of fate or

perhaps as a direct result of what I

went through back then

I now work with anxiety sufferers to

help them understand and ultimately

overcome those feelings I spent a large

part of the last ten years talking to

anxiety sufferers about their anxiety

and whilst all those I spoke to had

their own individual story their own

personal journey with anxiety every

single one of them at some point

expressed exactly the same desire that I

used to have the desire to get rid of

anxiety completely can you imagine if we

all achieved that a world without

anxiety what would they even look like

well for example this room would

probably look empty anxiety is the

feeling that tells us when something is

worth demanding our attention so in some

small way it was anxiety that reminded

you you had somewhere to be today

without it none of us would have turned

up and those that accidentally did will

be watching an empty stage none of us

would have businesses careers because we

wouldn't have regarded studying gaining

qualifications as worth bothering with

and none of us would have boyfriends

girlfriends husbands or wives either

here or at home because we just wouldn't

have seen the value of washing and

dressing up to make a good impression on

that all-important first date that we

probably forgot to turn up to so it

seems anxiety is important but of course

there are those that don't feel anxiety

there are two very distinct groups the

first group dead people

dead people don't feel anxious you know

and I think that's okay

they're dead they've got enough to not

worry about the second group would be

those we might refer to as Psychopaths

those people that for whatever reason

lack the ability to have any concern for

the consequences of theirs or anyone

else's actions now I don't know how you

were brought up but when I was a kid I

was given the distinct impression that

being part of either of these two groups

would be undesirable so if being free of

anxiety would be such a bad idea why do

we regard feeling anxious so negatively

now I think the very obvious answer that

question is that it feels horrible when

we suffer high levels of anxiety over a

long period of time it can very quickly

start to dominate our life even go on to

define our existence of course we're

gonna try and get rid of it but what if

we can't what if all of our attempts to

control our anxiety response ultimately

fail and where do we go I think most

people go along to their local doctor

and I should say at this point I'm a big

fan of doctors they've saved my life on

more than one occasion and I feel a

tremendous amount of sympathy for them

when it comes to treating anxiety issues

because it's really not what they signed

up for and it's certainly not what

they're trained for when it comes to

anxiety doctors are restricted in three

important ways firstly time you get

somewhere between 8 and 11 minutes for

an appointment with your local GP which

is nowhere near enough time to

effectively diagnose and treat an

anxiety issue secondly knowledge doctors

are taught that anxiety is a mental

health condition and yet they're not

mental health specialists if a doctor

wishes to become one of those they have

to train for a further five or six more

years to become a psychiatrist and

thirdly resources doctors are given

precious little support when it comes to

actually treating anxiety I can put you

on a 12 to 16 week waiting list for some

form of counselling but by the time we

got to the doctor we're probably in such

desperate need of assistance that being

told we now have to wait three or four

months to talk to some

is not helpful that leaves the only

other option medication I'm not a fan of

medicating anxiety now whilst I'm well

aware that taking drugs can change the

way we feel back in the 90s I witnessed

many of my friends on a Saturday night

discovering that very simple truth but

with medication comes all sorts of

unpredictable and unpleasant

side-effects and in the unlikely event

we do find the drug that agrees with you

that calms your anxiety response without

any side effects then of course it's all

too easy to now regard ourselves as

dependent on that drug and then the

possibility of developing a dependency

on our anti-anxiety medication just

becomes something else to feel anxious

about the truth is a medical solution to

a non-medical problem will not solve

that problem it will at best just patch

over it for a short while now the irony

here is that most of the people I've

spoken to they already know all of this

they know the doctor is not a great

option for our anxiety which then begs

the very obvious question so why do we

go there I believe we go there because

these days we are told anxiety is an

illness and this is perhaps the one

certain result of going to the doctor

for your anxiety you will come away from

there labelled with an anxiety issue

maybe even diagnosed with an anxiety

disorder and now you have a brand new

thing to feel anxious about during the

thousands of conversations I've had with

anxiety sufferers there was a common

thread when asked what they felt most

anxious about the answer was generally

how anxious they felt and if it would

ever stop this concern is almost

entirely created and fueled by the idea

that anxiety is an illness anxiety is

not an illness anxiety is an emotion

every emotion is important every emotion

has a purpose

every emotion is a natural and vital

part of our human experience in that

respect anxiety is no more sinister than

any other feeling we might have if we

didn't feel anxiety would be one emotion

short of the full set that really would

be a disorder I want to share with you

now an analogy that might go some way

towards helping us understand our

emotional responses I want you to think

of your mind like a ship every ship has

a captain and a crew in this analogy the

captain is your logical rational

conscious part of your thinking it's the

part that knows where you want to go why

you want to go there and has a fair idea

of how you think you gonna get there

unfortunately the part of our mind that

has its hands and all the things that

steer and sail our ship that's the crew

that's your subconscious your

subconscious is in charge of all of your

automatic responses so your patterns of

thought and behavior your belief systems

and perhaps most importantly your

emotions your crew sail your ship by

triggering the appropriate emotional

responses so for example if we regard

something is dangerous

our crew might trigger the feeling of

fear we've become uncomfortable and this

feeling will encourage us to move away

from the danger to return to comfort if

we believe we've been wronged a member

of our crew might trigger anger will

energize and our focus will be drawn

towards taking whatever action is

necessary to right the wrong so what

about anxiety why do our crew trigger

that particular emotion now no doubt

every single one of us will have our own

idea about what anxiety means to us but

put simply anxiety is the emotion that

tells us when something is too important

to simply lose focus of it's the voice

of concern about an upcoming event or

situation that refuses to be ignored

it's the crew saying to the captain you

need to pay attention to this now here's

the important part your crew are

operating on one very simple principle

they're trying to find the best strategy

for the most happiness

yes safety is important after all safety

is a huge component part of happiness we

can't feel happy if we don't feel safe

but ultimately at all times your crew

are trying to steer you in the direction

of happiness as the American author Jon

shed once wrote a ship in Harbor is safe

but that is not what ships are built for

so even when your crew are making you

feel awful telling you things about

yourself you really don't want to hear

those seemingly self-destructive

thoughts I'm not good enough I'll never

succeed unlovable even these harsh words

are simply designed to steer you away

from any situation that might lead to an

unhappy experience they're not trying to

sink the ship

they just tryna sail it away from the

stormy seas that we fear we might not be

able to cope with but every decision

your crew makes is based upon the things

you've learned throughout your life and

because many of these things will learn

when you were very young some of them no

longer apply some of them were just

wrong in the first place

what this means is that as far as

anxiety is concerned your crew will very

often make mistakes but just because

they get things wrong doesn't make them

the enemy and yet this is a sentiment I

hear all the time

anxiety is the enemy people want to

throw those crewmembers overboard and I

can understand that after all if we

regard a part of our mind as now

actively trying to destroy us then of

course it would be easy to view it as

the enemy if we then believe our mind

has actually turned against us it'll be

easy to conclude our mind is broken it

would be easy to believe that person

that told us the way you feel means you

are ill I started this talk by telling

you I used to suffer debilitating levels

of social anxiety so how did I get

control of that what did I actually do

to reduce it there are three main things

I did that I think helped me change the

first thing I did I refused to believe I

was ill of all the things I felt anxious

about

I decided not to feel anxious about

feeling anxious I recognize that every

time I felt anxiety it wasn't random

it was always triggered by a situation

or a thought process once I understood

this I could do the second thing that's

to listen to my crew I spent too long

pushing them away trying to ignore what

they were telling me when you ignore

someone with an important message

they might just start to speak louder to

get heard if you continue to ignore them

they might start to shout the only way I

was going to stop anxiety from shouting

at me to listen to it

to hear what it was saying to me I

sought to understand what my crew were

trying to achieve with these feelings

and to turn my enemies into my friends

and the funny thing is when you start

listening listening to what your minds

trying to tell you you can stop shouting

when the crew stop shouting

the captain can be heard that's the

point where you're more logical thinking

gets to have some info you get to decide

is this feeling appropriate or

inappropriate is it helpful or unhelpful

once you have the ear of your crew and

you know what you would want from them

the third thing maybe the most important

thing is to always always be kind to

them if you're anything like me you

spent a large part of your life beating

yourself up over the things you did

wrong or the things you didn't quite do

right or just about the way you feel for

all the criticism and negativity you've

received from others throughout your

life the person has given you the most

it's probably you this has the

cumulative effect of destroying morale

aboard your ship a demoralized crew

equals low self-esteem and low

self-esteem means nail the slightest

challenge will create anxiety but the

good news is you can repair the damage

that's been done very easily simply by

deciding from now on to always talk to

your crew to yourself with kindness and

positivity

people do their best work when they feel

empowered to achieve your crew are no

different put simply if you beat

yourself up you just end up beating if

you build yourself up who knows how far

we can reach this is why I think it's

okay maybe even important to feel

anxiety every single day of our lives

it means the crew are still sailing the

ship and still trying to get it in the

right direction it's a part of you that

makes you reread the important email

before you send it it's the part that

makes sure you check your keys or in

your pocket before you send the front

door on your way out in the morning and

it's the part that makes your heart skip

a little bit when you think about giving

that important presentation at work or

in a theater truth is I still feel

anxious all the time for example every

Friday morning I wake feeling anxious

because Friday is dustbin day

my crew wake me with the thought I need

to go and take the bins out now it's not

debilitating anxiety it's barely a

whisper it's just loud enough to get

heard and then when I've taken the bins

out it's gone

and this might seem like a really

trivial example but this is exactly the

sort of thing that will trouble us if we

believe the way we feel is not normal

I wonder if back in the day when I'd

suffered high levels of anxiety if I've

been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder

would I now dread Friday mornings would

I feel anxious about the prospect of my

anxiety flaring up again would I curse

myself for still not being free of

anxiety there tend to be too popular

positions on high anxiety the first

states it's a mental illness it's the

way you're wired there's little we can

do about it the second states is not

real it's all in your head you just need

to get over it

neither of these positions are helpful

and both are wrong the last 10 years

have taught me the truth lies somewhere

in the middle of course it's real

we don't ask to feel this way and yet we

do even though we feel this way now

doesn't mean we can't change it the

first step towards changing is to accept

it once we accept anxiety as a natural

part of our human experience and treat

it not as our enemy but as a trusted

friend you'll be surprised how quickly

the crew just get back to sailing the

ship and we start to feel a lot less

anxious about anxiety so how do you feel

today do you feel anxious about

something good I mean you're alive

it means as a part of you trying to tell

you something that regards is important

have a listen it's here to help my name

is Tim box and now 18 minutes later I

feel a lot less anxious thank you very

much

[Applause]