talking about the jack wright situation... Sienna Mae

hi so this

video we're just going to chat and

um I've been thinking about making this

video

for like 3 years and basically what I'm

going to do is summarize my last three

years being cancelled the trials I went

through my relationships my

my basically trauma and [ __ ] that

happened to me and talk about it and

talk about my I guess story and my

testimony and I think for a long time I

avoided this because it's it's really it

gets hard especially when you live it

and you feel it so heavy you don't want

to like talk about this [ __ ] I mean I do

talk about it but with like my boyfriend

my parents parents my family and my

closest friends like for the most part I

want to you know be a happy person be a

positive

person try to see the light in the world

and the light in people but I also

believe that for my situation especially

I haven't addressed

anything um on social media

and I think that in absence of me

vocally like just talking about it

casually people have made up stories

about me people post stuff about me that

it's just like it's just kind of

honestly I'm not even angry at it I'm

just like okay like it's just kind of

like that's what you think like you

don't you don't know but I guess my

point in talking about the last 3 years

and how I got to basically where I am

today

is for somebody watching this that is

depressed is anxious is going through

something and feels like they're alone

because I felt like I was alone so so

many times the past few years and I felt

like nobody could understand me really

and nobody could really understand my

situation but as I listen to more

podcasts and as I listen to people's

stories people's like documentaries

and you kind of realize that everybody

goes

through hard [ __ ] and my story may not

be exactly something that you can relate

to or maybe it is but maybe a little

piece of it you can see yourself in and

it makes you feel less alone so if you

know a little bit about my story or you

don't know anything and this is just

just a random YouTube video you saw

continue watching um I'm going to

basically just give you guys a story

time

about hard stuff I went through about

comeback successes about real real [ __ ]

like I'm just going to keep it keep it

vulnerable and try and keep it as

authentic and remember I guess

everything I went through

as like clearly as

possible so in

2020 I was a sophomore in high school

and this was when Co was kind of

starting but also nobody knew if it was

like a big enough deal yet like

everybody still kind of thought we were

going to go back to school as we started

to do online classes and stuff I had a

lot of free time obviously because I was

no longer in dance since covid was

happening we were doing online dance

classes which took up like 99% of my

free time otherwise and I also didn't

have school so I had a lot of time to

just kind of do whatever as did

everybody during this era so I did what

a lot of teenagers did and I downloaded

Tik Tok and it was still like kind of

musically is at the time like it wasn't

what it is now um as if you had Tik Tok

back in 2020 I'm sure that you can

remember so as I started to see people

like blowing up on Tik Tok for dancing I

was like are you kidding me I could do

this [ __ ] in my sleep like I am going to

be famous on Tik Tok and that was

actually my Tik Tok bio for a really

long time was I'm going to be famous one

day because I just like I had this

determination to blow up on Tik Tok

because now I had so much free time and

I was like this is perfect for me like I

know that I meant to like be a huge

Creator on here and so I tried posting

every single day for months and nothing

so I was like just posting anything that

I thought would blow up and it was

honestly kind of cringey but I didn't

care I was like I'm determined and my

friends and my boyfriend at the time

were like Sienna like this is

embarrassing you need to stop posting on

Tik Tok um like it's it's just like it's

cringe and I was like no F you guys I

know I'm going to make it so I started a

new account so that they wouldn't keep

seeing my post I started like a private

account I posted on there

once did me a few posts in my thing went

viral my video went viral and it was to

like [ __ ] Megan the stallion like that

dance or something and um I remember

being like great I knew it it's my time

like let's do it so I started going full

in posting every single day like five

times a day I started like becoming

friends with different creators on Tik

Tok like following them dming them being

like hey let's collab like I don't even

know I was 16 so long story short within

2 weeks I had

like I want to say like 5 million

followers it might have been more I'll

put whatever it is on the screen cuz I

definitely have a screenshot of it

somewhere I can't remember off the top

of my head but I had like millions of

people basically watching my stuff

and I loved creating on there genuinely

so much like I would have so much fun

making videos and doing Trends and just

like just being creative cuz it was such

a fun like it was just such a fun

environment back then it was like people

were just happy and supportive and

dancing and it was so different from how

it is now and so

I started talking to some of like the

really big creators at the time like the

hype and sway house if you remember that

and I started talking to like just all

of these people that I was basically

looking up to to collab and I was like

this is exactly what I wanted I knew

that like this is for me I was only

really talking to these people online

but I had one person that I knew that

was also Tik Tok famous and we'd been

friends

since maybe beginning of high school his

name was Jack Jack Ray and he went to my

high school we we were kind of like

involved in the same friend group

throughout middle and high school but I

didn't really like know them know them

but he and his brother had kind of like

blown up on Tik Tok maybe like a year

before maybe few months I don't know but

they were already like established

within the hype house and going to La

and they knew these people and so I

started getting inquiries from like

Brands and press and interviews and all

these people that wanted to like

interview how fast I was basically

getting the hype as they would say um

but I didn't know anybody so I was like

hey will you come to this interview with

me in La I don't really know the area I

don't know any of these people but like

I know you and so maybe we can do it

together cuz they've been going to La

and staying at the hype house and doing

all that

stuff so I started hanging out with

James and Jack more often we started

making videos together and this was kind

of like the peak of virality if you will

I on my own was doing like body

positivity content so looking back now

it's so cringy but I used to like dance

with my stomach out and I used to like

show my celluli and show all these like

flaws and things that you know people

don't normally show on social media and

that resonated with a lot of girls that

basically said like I see myself in you

completely I feel like you represent me

on social media I feel like you know

you're my friend and that was like that

was the highlight of doing it I loved

like basically interacting with people

and then at the same time I was also

doing like friend Tik toks with Jack and

James we were doing Trends together and

dances and I mean the more that we

started to make videos together

naturally people started to like ship us

together and be like oh are they dating

are they not and it was like the Ross

and Rachel of 2020 and 2021 Tik Tok like

people were so obsessed with us with our

content together with what we're doing

over the couple of months that we were

hanging out really consistently the

content started to get a lot more

affectionate and I'm sure there's still

all these videos online of like our Tik

toks that we posted of like me dancing

on him and like you know just stuff

that's like there are a couple obviously

um and it was really flirty and we

definitely played into it because it

always did better like it always did

better if we were being like this is my

friend versus like this is my friend you

know so we started to really play into

the couples's content and I was like

this is so fun like we're in La we're

hanging out with all these cool people

that I've like looked up to you know

this guy who I'm hanging out with all

the time is like being being very

affectionate and 16 years old like had

never even been to a high school party

but like I was at tan Mojo's house

partying with like cool YouTubers and

Tik tokers and I was like this is so

awesome like I'm having such a good time

for the beginning of it and then I

wasn't having so much fun

afterwards I think a few months into it

I started to kind of be

like this doesn't really feel right cuz

you know this guy and I are

making so many Tik toks together that

are super couply we're basically going

like everywhere together from our

hometown to LA and events and press

options and interviews and like it just

kind of feels weird like it feels fake

because we were together on social media

and we were making videos on social

media and like kissing even on other

people's YouTube channels

and then in like reality we were friends

and kind of flirty but also like not

dating and it was super hard for me

because as a girl like you want to be

sought after you want to feel like

beautiful and you want to feel like the

man is choosing you and I didn't realize

till shortly after that he didn't like

me like that and he didn't have any

intentions of like keeping me any closer

than a Tik Tok video and the hard part

was too that he was being so flirty in

videos and like online and comments and

also there were multiple occasions too

where like if a guy would hit on me he'd

be like hey watch it and I was so

confused cuz I'm like okay so I'm kind

of starting to like him because I'm

getting all these signals that like he's

into me AKA kissing me on the internet

and also like at parties and telling

people I'm his girlfriend at parties and

basically spending all this time with me

in group settings and alone and then but

like he won't claim me or ask me to be

his girlfriend and I was like okay this

is like this is weird and I'm being used

because ultimately like

he knows that using me to film videos

gets him more views and then on top of

that we were getting brand deals

together that were like super highp

paying brand deals that we were both

involved in like it was a joint

partnership to summarize my emotions at

the

time I was being basically kept around

because that was useful and every time

we would film videos together they would

get a lot more views he saw the value

that I brought in that sense because for

him it was useful to have me around and

for me I started to get emotionally

invested and I was like this isn't fun

like I have fun making videos sometimes

but then in our reality in our personal

dat to-day life like he's kind of into

me kind of not only when it's useful for

him and also I know that he was going

through so much other stuff when we were

friends and and I knew that he had a lot

of demons of his own with his family and

with his own relationships and I just

knew

that he it was a blessing that he was

never my boyfriend and that he was never

into me back that could have been really

different and I'm so grateful for it now

he also dealed with a lot of and it's

not my place and it's also not my

character to talk about him and his

problems because they're they don't like

it's not my business and I I don't want

to talk about it like I also don't know

like I don't know everything that went

on with his life I I'm not him

um but I know that

he was really hurting and there was a

lot

of really deep trauma also this was just

a little bit under a year that we were

making these videos

so like a little bit under a year sounds

like oh a little bit under a year but

like it was a pain during that time

every day I was like is he going to be

nice to me because we get to film today

or is he going to be nice to me because

he's actually interested in me and that

was literally my every day I was

like just getting completely mixed

signals so a little bit under a year

into our friendship

situationship I told him I sat him down

when we were in Hawaii and I told him

I'm done feeling like this because

number one this is hurting me every

single day I'm like I'm Into You now at

this point months later I'm into you

because we're acting like a couple and

you're you can't make up your mind if

you want me or not so you have to decide

like are we going to be together and

stop faking this [ __ ] online or we can

just be friends but like we're going to

go online and we're going to make a

YouTube video together and we're going

to tell the internet we're just friends

and this has all been a public like we

were just playing into it it wasn't real

we're still friends we love each other

and like no hard feelings but we're not

dating because also at the time I'm 16

like I want to talk to boys and I had

basically all these boys like dming me

and talking to me in person and being

like you're so beautiful like can I take

you out on a date and I was basically

like uh I don't know because if I ever

got caught on a date with a guy that

wasn't him then people would be like oh

cim is cheating oh cim whatever to Jack

and so I was like I can't even I can't

even entertain another relationship that

I want I want to be in a relationship

like I want somebody to be my other half

i' I've always been a relationship

person too like and I was like I'm tired

of basically just being played like here

are your two options you can either film

this video with me or like tell me you

like me back and we're together

and basically he told me I'm not going

to date you because I don't like you

like that but I'm also not going to make

that YouTube video with you because I

don't think it's good for the

brand and I was like good for the brand

like good for my mental health like I'm

I'm [ __ ] struggling here like I need

to not be doing this anymore so then I

told him I'm going to make the YouTube

video by myself I'm not going to talk

crap on you I'm not going to go on and

you know expose all your secrets and

whatever I I just want to state for my

own you know person for my own

well-being that I'm single that we are

just friends and that if I want to

pursue a relationship with somebody else

I'm not cheating on you because why

would I want to be like I'm in a

relationship with somebody that I'm not

you

know so we basically ended that

conversation and that trip cuz we were

in Hawaii when I told them all

this not in a good spot I basically said

all of that and then I left I went to

the airport the next day and we didn't

talk for 2 weeks he texted me right

after and was like hey I had so much fun

with you on this trip um

like I hope we can be friends I hope we

can be good and I was like [ __ ] no we're

not going to be friends and we're not

going to be good like you're playing me

and you're you literally I basically

just asked you like be be straight up

with what you want because I'm done like

now a year in almost playing this game

of like am I yours am I not so I didn't

respond to the text and I basically

ghosted him and his brother anything

they sent me because I was like I was

angry and I was just done and looking

back I wasn't emotionally mature about

that I definitely should have either

went and had a conversation in person

with them

or texted them back or called them to

let them know like Hey we're still

friends but I'm going to take a break

from you because like I'm obset but I

think that my silence was kind of eating

them away cuz he knew that I was going

to be making this video and he basically

said that he wasn't going to do it with

me and I've heard from people that are

friends with him and in the friend group

that they were like just stressing the

entire time that every day the video

didn't come out that he was thinking I

was going to basically bash him and

cancel

him so in return of that stress on their

part they decided to shoot first they

decided to come after me

first and his friend posted or our

friend posted a nasty tweet basically

saying

like I can't believe anybody supports

yime she you know is um I think he's

said I was like a body shamer and that I

verbally abused Jack and that I sexually

assaulted him and all these like crazy

claims and I was by myself when I saw

the tweet and I literally just my heart

[ __ ] sank

like there's no way to ever describe

that kind of pain and anxiety of seeing

something like this and being

like this is not going to be okay and I

immediately drove home I was at the

beach by myself just trying to get fresh

air and I went and saw my parents and I

was like what do we do long story short

I had my lawyers send his lawyers a

cease and desist to stop talking about

me cuz all that [ __ ] was fake me and my

team were trying to figure out how to

sue for defamation because the [ __ ] that

this tweet said was a lie basically

called the guy who posted this tweet's

Dad and was like your son is lying you

know he's lying they were friends two

weeks ago take it down like what is this

and then I heard that this tweet was

basically written up by Jack's brother

and then posted to their other friend's

phone and there were like five people

there and they were all like giggling

and laughing and being like Oh my God

this is going to like cancel or this is

going to ruin her life and like

basically just making a joke out of it

and not thinking I don't think anybody

really thought like how serious [ __ ]

would get saying like heavy stuff like

that especially when it's untrue cuz

it's like you can't you can't just say

whatever you want so then my I had

lawyers get involved sent toes and

assist to them basically told them to

take down their tweet he took down the

Tweet but at that point it's the [ __ ]

internet like [ __ ] people had already

screenshotted it everybody was talking

about it the t- site Pages were talking

about it

and I didn't know what to do I was

already pissed at them but now they're

like putting out this tweet about me

and I don't even know like I'm just

angry I was sad these were my friends a

few weeks ago like my best friends

actually the next week or so was a

blur I was kind of grieving the loss of

like my friends but also grieving the

loss of

like any career that I'd wanted at that

point because I was like well there it

all [ __ ] goes like they just made

these claims about me that you know I'm

going to obviously say they're untrue

but you can only take somebody's word

like I can't I can't go and convince

every single person that sees this tweet

like no it's not true like they're lying

it wasn't on my phone because a lot of

people were dming me being like [ __ ] you

I hate you I used to love you and now

I'm unfollowing like all the stuff kill

yourself the million times and I mean

now I can say it like and it rolls off

my back but then like like I was a

16-year-old girl like I didn't know how

to deal with these things I didn't know

how to deal with somebody saying to

literally take a gun and kill myself

like who who says that it's it's crazy

and now I can be like they're so lost

and they're sad but but then I was like

should I like I'm apparently like

everybody hates me and like I I don't

know I just feel really sad and and so I

was really struggling like really really

bad but I had our lawyers B basically

trying to figure it out and I had my

agent who was also Jack's agent because

he was getting us those like partner

brand deals basically calling Jack's

parents and being like what the hell is

going on and then calling my parents and

being like they're saying that he is not

wanting to talk to her and they're not

wanting to whatever like nobody was

wanting to reach a settlement and like I

don't know just [ __ ] nobody would

nobody would do anything so we put up

some like [ __ ] statement being like

we're working this out offline because

there were like cease and desists going

around and I was a [ __ ] mess on the

couch like you see people getting

canceled online and you think like oh

like they we really got them but it's

like no they're just [ __ ] crying in

their bed somewhere or like they're just

feeling so lost and depressed and

terrible

about their life whether it's something

they were canceled for for real or for

not cuz for me it was a lie and that was

that was honestly the worst part about

it cuz I was like

I can't believe like somebody can just

say whatever and it's believed like I

mean I know my character and was I ever

like mean to Jack or like a [ __ ] or

Snappy of course I was I was a teenage

girl of course I was like said mean [ __ ]

of course I was you know short with him

I definitely wasn't perfect he was like

my best friend and kind of like a

boyfriend that I treated him so closely

but anybody that's ever been in a

relationship will understand like when

you're that close to somebody you say

stuff you don't mean and obviously like

I apologize for saying things that hurt

his feelings so was I ever a [ __ ] yes

for sure but did I ever like verbally or

sexually assault him absolutely not I

mean it's really really [ __ ] awkward

to talk about your sexual history online

with however many people are going to

see this but him and I never had sex we

never do anything that we really didn't

do on social media I mean we were really

touchy on social media and really

affectionate and everything that was on

the Internet is basically what we did in

person sometimes not even all the time

it was like once in a blue moon I took a

month off of social media

and that time I was

basically

depressed then

I decided you know how can I come back

onto the internet because I want to

continue creating I love making videos I

miss all these people that I'm like you

know I felt like I was friends with and

I don't want to stop like being on

social media especially because like

these people don't get to you know

cancel me they don't get to end me

especially because what they're saying

isn't even true like I I was like

determined to come back but I

was I was young okay so let's keep that

in mind I was 17 at this point and I was

like you know I've been a dancer my

whole life and the way that I express

and have always expressed you know

sadness or happiness or Joy or whatever

is a dance class like I've been going to

dance my my entire childhood so I was

like you know what nobody can judge art

I remember saying that to my dad I was

like nobody can judge art art is

subjective and people write songs all

the time about stuff that happened to

them so I'm going to make this really

cool dance

video long story short the dance video

was not received well and it wasn't very

cool either it was honestly kind of

silly um but I thought it was cool at

the

time I thought it was the best way to

come back online and I don't looking

back I don't think it was um but now I

just look back and laugh at it because

you have to make mistakes in order to

learn and to

grow and so a lot of people didn't like

that dance video and a lot of people

thought was really cringy but you know

I I agree now I agree so came back on

social media and it was going well I

moved to Hawaii at this point with some

family friends and I was spending a lot

of time in nature and just healing and

grounding and kind of realizing what was

important because I mean I was given all

these things that people long for their

entire lives at such a young age AKA

fame money influence a platform and now

it was stripped all away and I didn't

know how to deal with it and I was like

okay I need to figure out who I am and

so I was in Hawaii a lot grounding

hiking traveling spending time in nature

spending time with people who were

encouraging and also were centered

around Christ and the way that they

lived and the way that they took me in

was I mean ultimately changed my life

because I basically had friends when I

felt like nobody wanted to be around me

or nobody wanted to be my friend um and

none of them cared about what was

happening on social media they cared

about me as a real human and a person

and you know just making sure my mental

health is okay I also got a few brand

deals with some pretty big Brands and it

seemed like for the most part things

were going really well people were

starting to talk about it less and less

and people were like oh she's completely

fine like I think that's probably fake

and it was a lot less worse the most the

more I was posting so over a course of

about 6 months I was posting and got

those brand deals and was just really

happy then my birthday is in January on

January 16th and I turned 18 so I was

really excited celebrated with my

closest friends and family was living in

La at the time and so we went to like a

really fun dinner and it was just a like

I was in a I was in a much better place

than I was 7 months ago and obviously

that [ __ ] like was was a stumbling block

But ultimately I felt like I was getting

over

it and then Jack decided to put out a

20-minute

video called what sien may did to me and

basically talked about how I am a crazy

aggressive person how I broke broke into

their house uh his family's house how I

picked locks on doors to get to him and

to sum it up look made me look like a

crazy [ __ ] and watching the

video I I went numb like I remember

watching it and being like o whoever

he's talking about like this is rough

for her and then being like oh cool he's

talking about me that was when you know

I'd come from here and then started to

kind of heal

and was like probably here watch that

video straight back down right to the

bottom he was taking like subtle truths

about things like he said I'll give an

example of like he said I broke into his

garage but I didn't break in all of our

friend group had the code to his garage

so I mean his house was like the hangout

house and we would all just kind of come

in and hang out and like I would bring

over groceries or dinner or cookies or

things like that and we would literally

all hang out at their house like their

house was literally like a frat house in

the way that people were always just

there and not even like exaggerating

literally 10 people had the code to his

garage it was stuff like that where he

was saying like kind of truths but

exaggerating so much and putting it in

such different context to where I looked

like a crazy [ __ ] and I was like I feel

hopeless he made normal [ __ ] like the

garage thing or like picking a lock like

okay that I don't who knows how to pick

a [ __ ] lock I don't know how to pick

a lock I have never picked a lock and

the moment he that he's referring to uh

is me he was washing his face and I was

going like this on the bathroom door

because I had to go to the bathroom so

bad and I was like dude let me in and

apparently that's picking a lock like

that's what I mean and like stuff that

normal and stuff that happens in normal

relationships but literally taking it

out of context exaggerating it and

putting me as the bad guy to make me

look like I was a terrible person and I

was

like I I'm so [ __ ] hopeless like I I

don't know how to ever come back from

this I basically deleted every social

media app off of my phone basically

through my phone away

for like 3 or 4 months I was off

Instagram completely and this was the

time in which I genuinely started to

heal I honestly thought like I might

never go back I you know was now 18 and

was like well I guess I can move to

Europe and nobody will know who I am and

I can you know like go get a job or do

something like I don't know I I have no

interest in being on the internet

anymore because I felt the love so heavy

and I felt so you know valued when I was

16 and now being 18 and having you know

my ex- bestest friend telling basically

everybody on the internet she's a

terrible person and she did all of this

[ __ ] to me and just completely lying and

slandering me and I was I was hopeless

the only thing that kept me through at

this time was my community who never

left me my parents especially my

brother my brother

Jacob my brother Jacob is one of

probably the only Reasons I'm alive

today with my parents because I remember

one day I had made a plan to take my own

life um and I was going to go through

with it and I was like yeah I'm I'm

ready I'm you know I'm never going to

come back from this I'm never going

to live a normal life now um

like 20 million people saw his video and

I was

like I I don't have a point I don't have

a purpose here on Earth and remember

that day um I was like watching TV in

the morning and then I was planning to

do it at night because he was there I

couldn't go out that night and do it and

I am so grateful for my brother okay

let's wrap this up

cuz it's I've been filming now for like

an hour so I decided in February of

2022 a month after um I got cancelled

per se to surrender my life to Jesus

Father the Son and the Holy Spirit I was

not a religious person and for a really

long time I believe that anybody who

knew Jesus or was Christian had to be

perfect I have been so far from God and

and like he would never want to know me

and I just for a long time kind of wrote

you know the idea of Jesus

or having a relationship with God off

because I figured that I wasn't good

enough to meet him and to talk to him

and then my mentor and now basically my

brother Justin he told me about how

Jesus Calls the broken and and he told

me about how God has plans to prosper

you not to harm you how every situation

that you go through ultimately is for a

greater purpose and it started to give

me this hope that I hadn't had before

especially being depressed every single

day it gave me hope and something to

look forward to and the more I learned

about the Bible and about how Jesus

wants all of us to just follow his his

life and you'll live so much so much

less anxious and so much more hopeful

because he gives us promises that are

ultimately to help and to prosper us

I this was the first time I started to

get hope surrendered my life to him

which if you don't know it's basically

saying verbally Jesus is my Lord and

Savior and

that I I said like don't know everything

and I want to follow the path that he

has called for me and you you know I may

not understand it now because I'm in

such deep pain but ultimately I believe

that God is on my side and God is the

source of all things and the Lord has

love for us and he doesn't punish us he

gives us experiences for us to learn

from them and to grow from them and to

ultimately help others you know to

ultimately share our testimonies

and love one another and I mean it was

still really hard like I'm not going to

lie and be like I surrendered my life

and I was immediately okay like no I was

I was still struggling so much grieving

all of these things that i'

lost or at least that I thought were

important and then lost but luckily now

I had more hope than ever because I was

listening to testimonies of people

finding Jesus and the way that their

life changed I was listening to sermons

and scriptures and just listening to

uplifting things because the Lord is

good news and when you surrender your

life to the Lord he has good plans for

you and it's good news let's get to

current day and

ultimately how I became

okay big part of that was Jesus was

Finding hope

and also it really really helped me to

hear about other people's

problems because even though that sounds

really weird when you hear about and you

read about or you

see other

people's you know

situations it makes you kind of grateful

for your own because we're all going

through something and so I started to

become grateful that my situation was

just online I started to become grateful

for the things that are in the real life

and the real world and my health and

wellness and my body and my youth and my

ability to recover

from like just terrible days for those

next few months I was off social media I

had so much time to think I was learning

new skills like cooking reading

listening to a lot of stuff books

podcasts movies TV um spending time with

people in the real world hiking I got

super into strength training at this

time and using you know doing workouts

um I started to pray a lot about finding

a partner that would ultimately be so

sure about me and so you know loving and

affectionate and affirmative

and that while I was waiting for this

partner and for him to come along and

basically meet me at the right time and

be ready for me that I started to you

know start to develop

confidence and also this time is just so

awkward cuz when you're 18 your body is

changing and you're like I had really

bad acne at the time and so everything

just was like I just felt uncomfortable

in my own skin cuz I was like I'm like a

little bit overweight because sometimes

I binge eat but then sometimes I'll like

get really small because I won't eat for

like a week because I'm so [ __ ]

depressed and I'm like I can't even eat

and then I was also getting really bad

acne cuz what I was eating was was like

Postmates because I didn't have enough

energy to go cook something like I just

wanted something fast that I could eat

right away because otherwise the feeling

of wanting to eat would go away and like

I just felt [ __ ] ugly I felt so

unlovable at this time and I was just

praying to become a happier and

healthier person in myself and that I

started to see you know the truth of

what really mattered because for you

know that 16 and 17 years old I had all

these people telling me I love you

you're so beautiful you make me feel so

worthy of myself you make me feel so

confident in myself and I was valuing

that so much and then to then see all

these people basically bashing me and

telling me like you're disgusting I

started to value that too a few months

later in May I met this boy and I will

we we'll do a story on that together cuz

this is the boy I'm still with um long

story short to sum it all up Cole from

the get-go

was I he literally wanted to date me the

day we met he was just overly loving and

overly short and overly affectionate and

I was

like this is the guy this is my man this

is the man I've been praying for because

also the number one thing I wanted in a

man was to have a relationship with God

I wanted his relationship with God to be

more important than his relationship

with me because if you're with a man who

fears

God there's nothing better like if I

have a man that wants to just impress me

and love on me like I'm going to fail

him and he's going to fail me because

I'm going to say something mean or he's

going to say something mean or we're

we're going to let each other down

because it's just what humans do we

immediately became best friends started

talking a lot and around the same time

my mom and I were developing Sienna

swim at this point I was a little bit

better because like I said I was doing a

lot of the self-reflection and healing

but I was not I was not back on social

media yet and I was like I highly doubt

that anybody will buy a swimsuit for me

especially after all the [ __ ] after all

the hate like it doesn't feel like

anybody likes me

okay it's currently May

3rd 2022 tonight I'm just feeling very

anxious about this bathing suit line and

it's been something obviously I've

wanted to do since I was like a baby

like this has been my dream forever but

like what if nobody buys it what if

nobody wants to

like buy something I made

and I didn't want that to be true but

that's how I felt I wanted to do the

swimwear since forever like I've always

loved swimwear but I was I didn't

believe in myself and I didn't believe

that I could sell anything and I didn't

believe that anybody would buy it and I

just I was scared honestly but she

believed in me and she's the most

determined and smart woman that I know

and her and I created Sienna swim from

nothing during this time I was off

social media a few months later I came

also I'm saying a few months later like

it's like no big deal a few months later

a few months is a long time like when

you're in it dayto day a few months is a

long time so I can look back on it now

because it's been years

and say like oh a few months but this

was going by extremely slow this time

period in my life was long and the days

were long and hard but Tiana swim also

gave me something to look forward to and

it gave me something to work on um

instead of just rotting in my bed all

day we dropped Sienna swim on June 11th

of

2022 and Cole also asked me to be his

girlfriend on June 11th 2022 so that was

a really special day and I remember that

being one of the days where I felt like

things would be okay things are looking

up I have this amazing boyfriend now and

I have a swimsuit company

I remember being so nervous and not

wanting to look at sales because I was

like I don't know that anybody's going

to buy it and it's really going to hurt

my feelings if I look at Shopify and it

says zero sales but in the first week

also I just come back on social media

too so I came back like first week of

June and then we dropped SI swim not

even a week later when we dropped Sienna

swim our first

collection it sold out in less than a

week

and I remember being like oh [ __ ] there

are people who believe me seeing that

people were spending their hard-earned

money on swimsuits that I made a week

after coming back on social media I was

like literally given this sense of hope

that I didn't have and that honestly I

don't know if I would have found if it

wasn't for Sienna swim that was kind of

my silver lining our Silver Lining me

and my mom during this time it gave us

something to look forward to and it

honestly gave us hope

to keep going I could just talk about my

story forever but I I'm going to just

cut to modern day so it's been 2 years

I'm still with Cole I love him to death

and he has been my absolute Rock since

I've met him from the moment I met him I

opened up to him which is not like me I

don't open up to people I don't really

know and

he's just been nothing but literally an

angel for me and I

just I absolutely adore him as for

Sienna swim we hit our 2-year

anniversary we've done Miami swim week

San Diego swim week Hawaii swim week we

just had a 2-year anniversary party in

Hawaii in June our sales have never been

better than they are today um this

summer especially was amazing and this

is obviously very summarized because

it's 3 years I'm putting into this

video but I say all

that to give

hope because at the end of the day

during those

days I I didn't see a future for

myself I didn't see a life where I would

be happy again I remember thinking I

would wake up every day depressed and

time obviously has helped but for me

Jesus has provided the most relief of

anxiety and

depression because at the end of the day

it's not my battle and it and he's just

using me in the way that he wants me and

guiding me on the path that I hope that

he wants me on but at the end of the day

people can say whatever they want about

you about me they can think that they

know you that they know me they can make

up stories or or tell your side for you

but at the end of the day you know you

Jesus knows you and finding a community

Hobbies like working out for me and

working on something that I loved like

CNA swim and getting in a healthy

relationship I mean I've really never

been happier than I am today I mean I'm

20 now and I mean I still have really

[ __ ] hard days I still still have you

know anxiety and a lot of stress and I

think these topics are things that I

will go into either on a podcast or

another YouTube video talking about you

know the effects of cancel culture or

how I deal with anxiety or getting past

depression I don't know yeah I think

I've got a lot of advice to give now

because I was given a lot of advice at

the end of the day the Lord has planned

to prosper you not to harm you and one

day you'll look down the hill and

realize

that even though you were treking up it

and dying like trying to get up the hill

you finally made it and you are past

those experiences

and yeah

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