Dannielle Slaughter- Live at Alke. Harlem, New York, NY Nov 2025

And she's a dear friend of mine, a very,

very funny lady. Put your hands together

for Miss Danielle Slaughter.

>> Thank you. Oh, thank you GUYS SO MUCH.

NO, IT'S SO NICE to come after two men.

>> It's typical. That's about how many.

>> Yeah. HAPPY WAYNE'S BIRTHDAY, EVERYBODY.

HE'S OLD. Sasha talked him into moving

in together this year.

>> It's going to be fun. He's going to have

so much new material from Ashley.

Hopefully he still has a girlfriend

after they live together. I am I don't

know. That's fun. Uh it's good to be

here with you guys, man. I don't know.

It's interesting cuz like it's we're

we're in a pretty male-dominated

industry. There's only about 10% of

comics that are actually women and we

get called petty a lot. We do. Women get

called petty. I think there's some truth

to it.

I do. I think I think there's some truth

to that for real. Because I was petty as

[ __ ] during my divorce. You know what I

mean? Like the only one. No, just me.

It's fine. I was petty in like fun ways

though. I was I was petty in real fun

ways. Like every time I would leave to

go on the road to do gigs, I would take

all the silverware and I'd put it in the

dishwasher. He's not looking there. He's

not. I did I left the chopsticks. I did

leave the tostics IN THE DRAWER. HE was

a big fan of soup and I was like, "Fuck

you in your tomato soup."

That's fun. Or I would uh I just I would

take his Xbox controllers with me on the

road.

I was in St. Louis doing a gig and I put

the Xbox controller right next to the

arch and took a picture. You know what I

mean? Make a little divorce scrapper for

him.

He wanted to play with that box more

than my box.

These are all things you guys get to

look forward to. By the way,

that's fine. You guys are engaged or

getting married next year. Do whatever

you want.

Say goodbye to [ __ ] sir.

I didn't used to like [ __ ] cuz I

always thought I already got a job to

like by him, you know.

I don't know. I do. Women, we can't be

petty yet, but I don't think it's like

an inherent thing that we're born with.

We learn how to do it really well. You

know what I mean? It starts when you're

young. Like I had I had sisters growing

up and one of my sisters, she was blind.

So you guys petty in like creative ways

with a blind sister. And she like

accidentally washed one of my favorite

t-shirts in bleach one time and I was

like [ __ ] [ __ ] And then I would do

this thing where I would like pretend to

leave her room. So, I would like stomp

really hard out and shut the door, but

I'd really be in there in the corner

just listening,

trying to use her conversations as

blackmail. That's what I'm doing.

Eventually, she'd be like, "I can smell

the bleach on your shirt." I'm like,

"Fuck you. I knew you could smell the

bleach." Like, I knew I knew you knew

the difference.

That's fun, man. I just moved back to

New York in April and I love I live

right here in Harlem. I love it. I'm so

happy to be back. Honestly, I think I

think moving back to New York saved my

life.

>> I do. I genuinely I think moving back to

New York saved my life. And not just my

life, but like a lot of people's lives.

I was getting really cocky with my drunk

driving abilities.

You just lean forward and you can drive

better drunk. That's how that's how you

do it. I think my confidence in drunk

driving came from advice I got from my

dad. My dad was a single dad raising us.

And when I was learning how to drive, he

was like, "Danielle, at some point

you're going to get pulled over by the

cops." And when that happens, make sure

you remain calm and finish your beer and

throw the can in the back seat. Like

that's some single dad advice. Not

enough you drive drunk.

They'll get you for an open container,

too, man. So, you know, now he I got

single dad advice growing up. I did. I

got single. This is the same person who

was when he was raising us and I was a

little girl. The first movie he ever

took me to see in the movie theaters was

Jurassic Park. Yeah. Just to give you

some context, the Little Mermaid was out

at the same time. Like that was also

that was also an option for your

six-year-old daughter. I don't know. I

did inherit fun things for my dad. I am

such a good drinker. I love it. It's my

favorite. It's my favorite thing. I like

to drink Irish car moms. You guys know

we know about Irish car moms.

>> Yeah.

>> She's shaking her head. She was fun.

She's She's We'll do one together. If

you order one, I'll do it on stage. Just

so you know, that's an option.

No, listen. My my party trick is I can

do six of those back to back to back and

not die. Like that's that's my party

trick. But I was in Ireland recently and

I was so I was pumped. I was like as

soon as I got off the plane I was like

I'm going straight to a pub. I'm making

an Irish carb bomb where they're fresh,

you know? Like that's that's what I was

doing. And I go into this pub and I go

up to the bartender. I'm like, "Oh,

excuse me, sir. Can I have an Irish carb

bomb?" He was like, "What?"

I was like, "Oh, I'd like an Irish car

bomb, please." He's like, "What the

[ __ ]

WHAT THE [ __ ] did you ask for? You dumb

Americans. You come in here and you

think you know anything about Ireland.

You think you know anything about Irish

history. Coming to Dublin and asking for

an Irish car bomb is like being in New

York and asking for a 9/11.

That's what he said to me. I know. I WAS

LIKE, "EXCUSE ME, SIR. I don't think

that's the same thing at all." Cuz first

of all, if a 911 was a drink, it'd

always be a flight of drinks.

No. And fireball whiskey is going to be

the main ingredient.

So I'm not allowed back in anymore.

My average goodbye.

>> I do love it. Are we Are we drinking

crowd? ARE WE ALL DRINKING?

>> I like it. Are we a weed crowd?

>> That makes sense. That checks out.

There's like a slight delay until we're

like They're like, "Oh, we're going to a

bar with 50 other people to watch a

comedy show.

Please.

Listen, I respect it. I respect weed

smokers so much. I honestly cuz I can't

do it like myself. I've tried. You know

what I mean? I giggle too much.

Someone's got to take me to get tacos.

Like, I'm a problem.

>> Plus, you guys made weed legal in New

York. Yeah, we made we made weed legal.

>> That's awesome. That's really fun. It's

not fun to talk about legal [ __ ]

anymore. So, let's uh let's TALK ABOUT

COCAINE.

SO, who's who's doing Coke in here? All

right, we have one brave person sitting

in the dark. Like,

listen. Now, I figured something out

this year. I figured out there's a

slight difference between Diet Coke and

a Coke diet. You know what I mean? Just

a small, like a little teeny difference.

Like, Diet Coke's got like stevia and

[ __ ] in it. That's what makes it sweet.

And then a Coke diet just got me calling

guy named Steve at 2 a.m. for I'm going

to do both of them. [ __ ] it. I feel like

there's two types of people in this room

right now. There's people who've never

seen cocaine

and then there's people who've done all

the cocaine.

Listen, that's fine. That's what coke

does. Coca makes you WANT TO DO MORE

COKE. You know what I mean? It's the

Chinese buffet of drugs.

It's fun. A buddy of mine, he's actually

a narcotics detective for the NYPD. So

that's who I ask all my coat questions

to. Like he sent me a photo last summer.

This woman turned in $100,000 worth of

cocaine. I know. Oh, I was like, "Fuck,

that's a lot of coke. That's a lot of

money." Like, she said, "That would pay

off my student loans immediately. Do you

think I could just send the Coke

directly to the financial aid office?"

I just show up and be like, "Hi, I'd

like to pay my balance in full." Like,

"Oh, great. It's going to be a card or a

check." And I'm like, "Kilos?

We got a scale back there, Brenda?" Oh,

Brenda financially off.

>> No, that's fine. No, I was I was raised

by a single dad and he's fantastic,

right? He's he's an amazing person. You

got to Everybody give it up for dads.

Dad, that's the hard job. It's not as

hard as a mom, but it's a job.

I was raised by a single dad. He was

great, you know. But we He was a young

He was a young parent and we, you know,

he was on his own. We didn't have [ __ ]

We didn't have anything. We didn't have

money. We didn't have anything. We had a

lot of spaghetti. We had a lot of that.

But I was a kid. My dad would do this

thing where he would like wait to eat

dinner until after we ate dinner, you

know? I mean, he'd sit down. He'd ask us

about our day, but he wouldn't actually

eat anything until we got done eating.

And I didn't realize until I got older,

like my dad was doing that to make sure

we had enough food in our bellies, you

know? I mean, that's the kind of

selflessness. That's the kind of

selfless love that it takes to be a

parent. And it just made me realize deep

down in my heart of hearts, man. I never

want to have kids.

I'M NOT DOING IT. I DON'T WANT MY OWN

BULLETS AGAIN.

You guys are a lot of fun. There are

perks. There are there's perks to not

having children. I don't know if they

talk about that in New York public

school system. They're definitely perks

to not having like make noise if you

have kids.

That is the sound of depression.

That is the sound of a refill.

Oh, that's mad.

SHE'S SMOKING WEED.

HERE, right here.

NO, BUT THERE ARE THERE ARE PERKS to not

having kids. Like I I never have to

worry about what I left in my car on a

hot July day.

I know that's a dead baby show.

That's That's in poor taste. If you If

you didn't like that, you're not going

to like the next one.

Oh, I don't have to worry about my baby

name going out of style. You know, it's

the thing. eventually your baby name is

not popular anymore. That might just

seem a little weird. I've always like

gender neutral names. You know what I

mean? For hiring purposes, women, we

understand that.

>> But like I don't mean a name I don't

even mean a name that works for a guy

girl. I mean lady name up front followed

by a dude name. That's what I want. But

I don't think that Kaye Anthony would be

appropriate anymore.

They like that cuz they spent last

weekend watching 50 hours worth of Casey

Anthony documentaries on Hulu. Recommend

it. It's a good use of your time. She's

back in the news. She's back on social

media. Have you guys looked at Have you

looked up Casey Anthony? She's on

Instagram. Don't follow her cuz like

don't give her any hype, but definitely

look at it cuz it's a train wreck. It's

a lot of fun. I looked her up. I was

watching her videos and I found

something out about Casey and I found

out she had another kid. I know. Yeah.

She had another kid. She had another

daughter. I know. And all that [ __ ]

happened like 9 years ago. So, I got

excited. I did cuz I [ __ ] love the

sequel. You know what I mean? Like I

know. Listen, it's dark jokes.

That's where we're at at the moment. I

don't know. I'm not the only one that

doesn't want to have kids, though. I

know that. And I know that is a fact.

And I know that is a fact because they

sell Plan B at Costco.

Do you know what that means? That means

people are buying that [ __ ] in bulk.

They're like, "No, I don't need a box of

it. No, I'm going to get a palette. I'm

going to pull it around my Ford and blow

that [ __ ] out."

Men will take They'll Men, they're going

to make sure you take it, too. They're

going to make sure you take the Plan B.

You may not know you're taking it, but

you're taking it.

They're going to like crush it up,

sprinkle it on your cereal in the

morning. You know what I mean? You're

getting that honey nut no matter what

Cheerios.

It's the breakfast of champions. He's

not making eye contact cuz that's his

move right there.

I'm just saying. I think Casey Anthony

could have saved herself a lot of

trouble if she got a Costco membership,

you know.

>> All right. Come on. White women getting

away with murder. That's fun. That's

entertainment.

I had a dumb [ __ ] moment recently.

I did. They don't happen as much

anymore. I I've like, you know, I've

gotten a little more mature, but I did

have a dumb [ __ ] moment recently. I

was watching like horror movies to get

ready for Halloween. You know what I

mean? Spooky season, all that stuff. And

I was watching It Chapter 2. Joey, are

we familiar? We know about It Chapter.

You kind of look like Richie, honestly.

Like you got you got a real Bill hater

thing going on right here. But there was

a scene at the end of that movie where

they're all like fighting the Penny Wise

the clown in the sewers and like Richie

the Bill Hater character out of nowhere

he's just like this isn't working.

What's the plan B? And I thought why are

they talking about emergency

contraceptive right now? You know what I

was like I get it. Kids are terrifying.

You know what I mean? They've been back

in dairy for about 3 days since we're

coming up on that 72-hour window. All

right. I'm the only dumb [ __ ] in here.

Like oh my god. H I don't know. It's fun

though. Dating post divorce is

interesting. Is anyone doing that? Any

any post divorce dating?

>> No.

>> Oh, you guys are all just happily

coupled up in Harlem. All right.

>> I don't know if the statistics support

that, but

>> it is. Dating is dating is rough. It's

dating. It's rough. Supposed to work.

Mostly because like I did not retain a

whole lot from my sex ed classes. You

know what I mean? Like that was a minute

ago. Like we all learned, right? We all

learned collectively like how to put a

condom on a banana, right? We learned

how to do that. But no one no one taught

me how to talk a banana into wearing a

condom.

I L THAT [ __ ] OUT and I'm like kind of

the most important part.

Oh man,

if you didn't like that joke, that's cuz

you're on Sealis. That's between you and

your doctor.

That's fun. I got Wayne gave me a light.

I got to get out of here pretty soon.

I'll say this though, there's like

there's all these different types of

relationship now. There's like all the

Polly Pocket [ __ ] or whatever they're

doing in Brooklyn. You know what I mean?

Like I don't understand the poly

relationships. I don't understand that

stuff. I figured out what I want though.

I figured out what I want. I want just

like a simple uncomplicated monogous

relationship in every city I travel to

regularly.

or they'll say uh they'll they'll call

it they won't call it poly they'll call

it ethical non- monogamy. Have you heard

that [ __ ]

>> I think that's ridiculous. I think

that's the most male madeup [ __ ]

>> I do. I I just think those people are

bad secret keepers.

What happened in the good old days? You

know where you have your family and then

the next burrow you have your other

family.

Let me get back to that. I got to get

out of here. I'll leave you guys with

this. I'll say this. Dating as a

comedian sucks. It's not fun. I spend

most of my nights in bars with a bunch

of men and it's ridiculous. So, I've

just started lying. Yeah. I just started

lying and telling everybody I'm a nurse.

Anybody else a nurse? No, just me. I'm

the only hero online.

I need to go have drinks with a web

developer. That was interesting. He's

like, "Oh, you're a comedian. Tell me a

joke." I was like, "Bitch, build me a

website. I'm not working for free." So,

I got a new website out. You guys can

follow me at deep water comedy. Thank

you so much.

>> Make some more noise. Danielle,

>> ladies and gentlemen,

thanks beyond

for my birthday. I appreciate that,

Danielle. Man had a good time with

Danielle.

>> You having a good time?

>> Yeah.

>> Are you guys drinking?

>> Working on it. Working on it. All right.

All right. Over here. Y'all sipping on

something. Make sure.

>> There we go.

>> You ain't drink yet? Can we get a drink

right here in front?

>> All right. We got some more comments

coming to the stage, guys. I'm going to

try to keep this energy going. All

right. Let's keep it going. I'm 40.

I'm going to pass my bedtime. We going

to make this work. We going to make it

work, guys. All right. This next comic

coming to the stage uh was a writer on

Impractical Jokers. You know that show?

Yeah.