Why Do I Love the Way That I Love: The 4 Attachment Styles Explained

I walked into this conversation thinking

that my attachment style was one thing

and it turns out it's something

completely different you can change your

attachment style you can become more

secure in addition this episode has a

bonus and it's going to help you

transform not only your attachment style

but also your subconscious

mind hey it's your friend Mel and I just

want to start out by by saying thank you

thank you thank you for being here with

me I know that when you are here with me

and you're listening to this podcast you

do it as a way to invest in yourself and

I think that's super cool and that is

why I am really excited for the

conversation that you're about to hear

because this one is a really really good

one what are we talking about we're

talking about something called

attachment Theory and the reason why I

wanted you to learn about attachment

theory is because this framework has

helped me profoundly in my marriage it's

helped me in my relationship with my

kids frankly it's helped me in every

relationship that I have because

understanding my attachment style has

allowed me to really show up in a

different way in a more powerful and

secure way and I think it's going to

help you too now if you've never heard

about attachment style there are four

different attachment Styles you're going

to learn in detail about all four

attachment Styles and I love the expert

that I have for you today her name is

taes Gibson she has a brand new book out

called learning love and one of the

reasons why I like the way that she

explains attachment theory is she gets

into the Nitty Gritty you're not only

going to understand the four different

attachment Styles she will explain

things like okay if you text someone and

they don't text back for three

hours this is how you will act based on

your attachment style she's also going

to give you scripts she's going to give

you strategies and she's going to teach

you that you can change your attachment

style you can become more secure now

when I told our team that taes Gibson

was coming into our new studios in

Boston Shay Washington who is our senior

manager of the video team fell out of

her chair because ta's work has changed

Shay's life check this out

around this time last year I was going

through like a huge huge healing journey

and I realized that I was like so

emotionally stunned so therapy didn't

work you know anti-depressants didn't

work and so I stumbled upon you know

taies Gibson and the personal

development school but one thing that

really stood out to me was when taies

Gibson specifically spoke about your

core wounds they still sort of manifest

in my current life like my current day

and I just don't know how to navigate

through any of those things and I just

never heard it broken down in that way

that she broke it down before and things

started coming together really smoothly

I had a much bigger understanding and it

changed my life for the better and I

hope to One Day become securely attached

Shay I love you and thank you for

sharing that and I had a very similar

reaction to Ty Gibson's work work and I

know you are too because you're going to

leave this conversation having a much

better understanding of yourself core

wounds attachment Theory there is no

doubt in my mind that that's going to

happen in fact it happened for me I

walked into this conversation thinking

that my attachment style was one thing

and it turns out it's something

completely different and it was taies

that pointed it out to me and I think

you're going to have that Revelation too

and there's one more thing that I'm

really excited to share with you before

we jump into the conversation in

addition to all of the amazing tactical

information that you're about to learn

that is going to help you improve your

life this episode has a bonus it is

followed by a very short bonus episode

because taies recorded a meditation for

you that's right for you and it's a

meditation that you can listen to that

will put everything that you're about to

learn into action and it's going to help

you transform not only your attachment

style but also your subconscious mind

and it is there for you right in this

podcast cue for free the episode is

entitled daily meditation listen for 21

days to reprogram your subconscious mind

and you're going to want to listen to it

right after this episode all right are

you ready to learn why you love the way

that you do me too taes Gibson welcome

to the Mel Robins podcast thank you

excited to be here with you so taes you

have this incredible new book called

learning love build the best

relationships of your life using

integrated attachment Theory and one of

the things that I love about your work

is how empowering it is you teach how

every single one of us can break free

from patterns that are holding us back

using the science of attachment Theory

so I want to start with the basics what

is an attachment style the subconscious

set of rules you have for love and

connection and those rules can be in the

form of the different beliefs you have

the different needs you have what you

expect in relationships and how you

communicate and set boundaries with

others you're not born with an

attachment style it happens through

conditioning and the way that that

neuroplastic affects your subconscious

mind and we can recondition our

attachment style patterns if we grew up

in an unhealthy environment we didn't

get good learnings about attachment

Styles and about relationships we can

actually heal that and change that to

become secure and have really successful

thriving relationships whether that's

romantic family or friendships you know

this is uh an episode that we're going

to release at a time of year where

almost everybody is thinking about goals

for next year and resolutions and all

the changes that you want to make and

how does going to work on your

attachment style and your beliefs about

love and relationships how the heck does

that help you with goals or with making

positive change because exactly the the

biggest limiting beliefs that we pick up

from childhood about who we are and what

relationships look like also form

primarily the relationship we have to

ourselves which will color everything

else in our world whoa when does this

start in childhood exactly like what age

are you talking about it gets

conditioned into us actually between the

ages of Z to two years old that early

that early Z to two Z to two so the

stuff that goes down before you even

remember 0 to two is what's stored in

your subconscious and is what drives you

as an adult unless you do the work to

change it exactly are you kidding me yes

so like as an example if somebody grows

up in a household where they have a

really critical parent and maybe that

parent has the best intentions they want

to prepare their child for the world

it's really easy for a child because a

child personalizes everything right they

can't say oh my parent is communicating

in a suboptimal way so instead what

happens is the child goes oh this is

about me I must not be good enough or I

must not be worthy or I must be bad and

so what happens is the meaning we give

to things when we perceive our

environment and our experiences programs

our subconscious mind through repetition

plus emotion so anything we're

repeatedly exposed to that creates an

emotional response basically fires and

wires neural Pathways and so then what

will happen is we form these deep

beliefs about who we are in

relationships but unfortunately these

same beliefs associated with our

different attachment Styles will also be

what we believe about ourselves in the

workplace in our friendships in terms of

how we operate financially it can really

spread into multiple areas of life and a

lot of the roots of these things

actually exist from like how we attach

and what we experience in our

environment as young children wow I love

that you just put this thing that every

one of us struggles with every single

day I wake up and I'm like okay today

I'm not going to be to anybody

today I am not going to uh I'm going to

exercise tonight I'm not going to pour

myself a glass of wine I have all of

these conscious intentions but then

things happen throughout the day and I

find myself dropping into the same

behavior and it is incredibly

frustrating and so if I'm tracking with

what you're

saying your theory and what you do out

in the world you now have

31,000 people that you are working with

through your company on the stuff that

you're about to teach us you're saying

that we can identify those rules and

behaviors that run in the background

that drive our entire life and we can

change them 100% that is amazing because

we've talked about attachment style and

attachment theory on this podcast before

and I find that a lot of the material on

attachment theory is very interesting

and empowering when you understand what

your attachment style is but I've always

felt when I learn about my attachment

style it's sort of like okay that's your

attachment style but I've never felt

like there's a way to change it

absolutely and you can change it yes so

we actually created a whole body of work

called integrated attachment Theory and

the whole purpose of it is not to just

discover your attachment style and

really see who you are and what your

patterns are but then to be able to use

that because just knowing something

doesn't give you a whole lot of context

until you're able to say okay here's

what I don't like about this and here's

what I can read recondition what's not

working for me and if you're not born

with something like an attachment style

if it gets conditioned into you over

time we're just reconditioning to move

into a space that works better for us

and so it's quite simple to do there's a

lot of different tools I'm sure we'll

get into and talk about but that is the

whole purpose of this this work wow okay

so let's just start with the basics how

many attachment styles are they and what

are they okay so there's four major

attachment cells we'll talk a little bit

about how they come about as well so the

first one is the securely attached child

growing into the securely attached adult

and the secure attachment um individuals

in their childhood they get a lot of

approach oriented behavior so if they

wait approach oriented what is what does

that mean explain this yes so so

essentially if they cry as a child their

parents will come towards them try to

figure out what's going on and what's

wrong and try to meet their needs and so

the repetition and emotion the

conditioning or programming to the

subconscious at this age is okay if I

express my emotions I get my needs met

it's safe to express my needs it's safe

to rely on other people and I get loved

when I'm in hard times so I'm worthy of

connection and I'm worthy of love just

for who I am not for what I do and so

this person as an adult grows up to have

much easier experiences around

relationships of course and they trust

and they rely and they communicate and

they feel safe expressing their emotions

and feeling their emotions and so

statistically they have the biggest

success rate in relationships by far in

away then we have three insecure

attachment styles on one end of the

Continuum we have an anxious preoccupied

attachment style and this individual

essentially grows up with a lot of

warmth and a lot of care from their

caregivers but a lot of inconsistency so

a really common example would be that

Mom and Dad are very loving they are

approach oriented they do care but they

both have really long jobs they're gone

for 12 hours a day and the child's often

at daycare or with the grandparents who

might be more cold and withdrawn and so

what happens is the repetition and

emotion so the programming becomes okay

I really want love and I really feel

good when my caregivers are here but it

keeps getting taken away and so this

child learns to really fear abandonment

and fear being left alone or excluded

and so they grow up really having a lot

of Abandonment wounds and they're very

sensitive to rejection exclusion and

they become very panicked if they see

Partners in their relationship start to

pull away and so they really struggle

unfortunately because they want love

they want connection so much but because

of this deeply conditioned fear of

Abandonment it's almost like they hold

on so tight that the sand sort of

constantly slipping through their

fingers it ACD pushes people away wow

and so that's our anxious preoccupied

and they tend to struggle um in

relationships big time especially when

it comes to getting people to kind of

commit and stick around on the basically

opposite end of the Continuum there's a

dismissive avoidant attachment style

this individual grows up with childhood

emotional neglect and sometimes it's

really overt like food's not on the

table nothing's organized sometimes it's

very covert where instead it's like you

know Mom and Dad are there but if you

cry or Express emotion they're like

toughen up they don't check in If the

child comes home from school they're

never going oh are you okay I see that

you're off so this this neglect happens

and this child grows up in this

environment and they can't understand

that my parents are emotionally

unavailable so instead they go there

must be something wrong with me that I'm

not getting my needs met and so they

build this deep wound of I am defective

and they feel shame and then they grow

up and they don't want to be that

vulnerable again to anybody and rely on

anybody so they become hyper independent

and in relationships as a result as soon

as things get real or as soon as people

get too close they sabotage they push

away and they tend to fear commitment

and of course the anxious and dismisses

often end up in relationships together

are you talking about my marriage I just

feel like you just summarized three

years of marriage therapy with Chris

Robbins and Mel Robbins but and then

what's the what's the other third yes

insecure attachment style so the last

one is fearful avoidance sometimes

referred to as disorganized attachment

and essentially they grow up in an

environment where there's chronic chaos

so a really easy example or analogy

would be if there was a parent who's an

alcoholic so let's say it's Mom as an

example one day the child comes home

from school and Mom is drinking and

she's in a really good mood and she's

really loving another day you know mom

comes home or child comes home and she's

she's drinking a lot but now she's angry

she's an angry drunk another day she's

sobering up she's in a good mood she

feels guilty another day she's sobering

up she's going through withdrawal she's

in chaos right so it's like you never

know what you're going to get it can be

a bad divorce parents fighting all the

time having a parent with narcissistic

personality disorder all these sorts of

things where there's chaos and fighting

and you never know what you're going to

get so this child grows up having some

positive experiences with love but some

terrifying experiences with love and so

they feel conflicted this is what I was

and so you know what the person will

experience is this feeling of like I

want closeness and then people get close

and they're like get back and so they'll

really be in this pushpull pattern but

more than anything they struggle to

trust they feel like they can't rely on

people they can't really connect they

don't want to open up too much similar

to the dismissive avoidant but they also

have the anxious side and so they become

as adults the hot and cold partner in in

relationships who's constantly going

back and forth but again these patterns

get conditioned into us so the things we

don't like or don't serve us we can

absolutely recondition to become secure

and have thriving relationships you know

what I love about listening to you is

that I find it personally reassuring

that anyone can become more secure and

before we discuss this specifics of each

of the four attachment Styles and how we

can use this entire framework to heal

yourself and create better

relationships I really want to back up

for just a second I keep hearing you use

the word

subconscious and it's a word that can be

confusing to a lot of us it's confusing

to me for example so can you tell me and

everyone listening what exactly is your

subconscious mind so your conscious mind

if you were looked at if you were

looking at your your mind from sort of

the top down as an analogy you have your

conscious mind which is like the tip of

the iceberg floating above the surface

your subconscious mind is what is just

out of your conscious mind's awareness

and you can imagine it sort of the part

of the iceberg that's just beneath the

water level we actually then have the

unconscious mind which is like the very

bottom of the iceberg but our

unconscious mind it's very difficult to

retrieve information from so I put a lot

of focus on the subconscious mind

because your subconscious mind you can

actually it's this we House of

information but you can actually dig

into it and be like oh how did I feel 15

minutes ago when that happened and you

can retrieve information even though

it's out of your peripheral awareness so

in summary your subconscious mind is

essentially the part of your mind that

stores all information um and it's just

out of your conscious mind's awareness

but it is retrievable okay so I think

that one of the most important things to

recognize is that we have a subconscious

mind that's really running the shell and

our subconscious mind gets all these

patterns and ideas about what love looks

like and then we take those with us and

that forms the lens we basically see and

interact with the world through so if we

grow up in an environment where we learn

that we don't communicate about things

or we learn okay we should just expect

people to know what we need or we learn

to violate our own boundaries and people

pleas if we learn these patterns at a

subconscious level your attachment style

is the subconscious set of rules you

have for what love and closeness and

relationships are supp supposed to look

like and for some people that works in

their favor and for some people

unfortunately if they didn't learn

healthy patterns it's really working

against them and it can make

relationships feel very difficult very

hard and very confusing wow there was so

much I want to dig into in what you just

said and one of the things that caught

my attention is when you said that the

rules and the beliefs that we have about

what love is and how relationship work

that that is all stored in your sub Sub

Conscious yes and why is it important to

know that because our subconscious mind

first of all is responsible for roughly

95 to 97% of our beliefs our thoughts

our emotions and our actions and our

conscious mind is 3 to 5% and so the

other thing we have to understand is

that our conscious mind cannot out

willll or overpower our subconscious

mind which means we can have the

experience of going I I don't want to

get angry at my partner I don't want to

raise my voice or I want to stop

drinking or I want we can have all these

goals or New Year's resolutions or ideas

for how we want to change our behaviors

but unfortunately it just being a

conscious goal until it's actually

ingrained at the subconscious level we

are going to experience this friction

between what we say we want to do and

what we actually do and this has a huge

impact on our relationships where if we

say I want to show up better or I want

to have a relationship that lasts but if

we have subconscious patterns working

against us we will constantly feel like

we're putting the gas and the brakes on

at the same time and that can be a very

frustrating

process are you saying that it's

possible though to change yes what's in

your subconscious mind absolutely of

course how did you figure all this out

um I figured this out because I was a

very I had a lot of work to do on myself

I I had a tough uh upbringing and I was

like kind of a mess um and to be honest

the actual root was that I was addicted

to opius at 15 so I went through from 15

to about 20 years old old it was

actually I think it was just before I

turned 15 um I had a knee surgery got

addicted to painkillers and actually my

biggest experience was every day being

like I'm going to get clean I'm going to

delete people's numbers from my phone

and every day repeating the same pattern

and for me going through that over and

over again I was like high functioning

enough I made it to school I was in a

psychology class one day and somebody

said to me the conscious mind can't out

willll or overpower the subconscious

mind and I was like you described all of

my suffering that I experience every day

because going through that and being

like I'm going to do this and then every

day losing that battle to myself it was

like tormenting and so when somebody

said that to me I was like I'm going to

learn everything I can on God's green

earth about the subconscious mind and

then it really opened up to all these

different how you know what is the

subconscious how does it affect us oh

it's our core wounds it's our unmet

needs it's our beliefs about oursel that

really extend from those core wounds and

and our patterns in terms of boundaries

so I actually started there did all that

work actually went into practice and

then Revisited attachment Theory and by

practice you mean therapeutic practice

working with counseling counsel and so

then I was doing a lot of subconscious

work with people and then I realized oh

all of the attachment cells actually

have very specific core wounds all these

generalized core wounds I was working on

with people there's about 18 or so they

actually fit in the these perfect little

packages to each attachment style as

well as the needs fit perfectly into

these little packages

as well as the boundary issues and the

Comm so what I ended up doing is okay

once I know somebody's attachment style

I don't have to find all these core

wounds all over the place I just know

their kind of blueprint and then I had

done so much work on the subconscious

for how to heal and so that's sort of

how everything became born well that

makes a lot of sense because when you're

working with someone who is a client of

yours you're dealing with the pain and

by figuring out all of the pain that

someone is talking about whether it's

I'm Unworthy of Love or I'm ashamed of

what I did or I regret this or I don't

trust somebody whatever it is that the

pain may be you're only ever talking

about the pain level so you're not going

deep enough to change

fundamentally and so realizing that you

weren't going deep enough you dug in and

it's when you discovered attachment

Theory and the fact that when you locate

yourself in one of the four different

attachment Styles you now have this

simple framework work to be able to heal

the insecure attachment style that you

may have or may be dealing with and

become more secure with yourself and

more secure in relationship with other

people I'm getting this thank you for

kind of sharing the background on this

because when we come back I want to dive

into exactly how to figure out your

attachment style so don't go anywhere

taes Gibson and I are going to be

waiting for you right after the break

welcome back it's your friend Mel Robin

and you are here with me and taes Gibson

and we are digging into attachment

Styles and taes I have a question for

you how exactly can you figure out your

attachment style now that you're an

adult great question so part of it is

definitely understanding some of the

childhood context but then it really

goes into the biggest body of work that

we developed on top of traditional

attachment theory was about our core

wounds so each attachment cell has very

specific core wounds they also have very

specific needs and they have very specif

specific issues with boundaries and how

they communicate so we can kind of

unpack those things so um securely

attached people I mean they tend to

communicate healthily they don't really

have many core wounds that are specific

to relationships they can have

insecurities because they're human

beings but we won't see too much of that

as a whole they tend to have healthy

boundaries they want to resolve things

right away is anybody securely attached

I was laughing as I was kind of

preparing to talk to you because as I

was looking at the definition of secure

attachment I thought oh is this sort of

like you think thinking you're a good

driver 90% of us think we're great

drivers but we're really not great

drivers do most people think they're

securely attached actually very

interesting so traditional research will

show about 50% of people are securely

attached 51% is the actual number yes I

how is that possible I completely

disagree and in my practice what I saw

over and over again is people would come

in they first session I would take them

through some of this stuff and they'd be

like Oh I'm the secure one and then by

session two I was like there's no way

that they're secure you know they they

and I think that people um we self when

we self-report things are skewed right

and and those numbers that 51% is based

on self-reporting obviously I have a

bias sample size of people because

they're people who are going through

struggles and and are reaching out for

help and support but I just found so

many times that like more than half the

time people would say I'm secure and

then definitely not secure I'm kind of

making a joke about it but as a parent

right and uh having three kids 24 23 and

18 as I'm listening to you describe the

four different uh attachment Styles I

was listening both as a parent thinking

oh you know like I really uh

probably created the anxious preoccupied

attachment style um by working a lot the

second you said daycare I thought oh

gosh that that explains it my our two

daughters were in daycare there there

you go you really blew it and then of

course I'm listening for myself and what

was interesting

is that I always presumed that I was

probably anxious preoccupied interesting

but as we have this

conversation and I am listening in real

time I'm wondering if I'm going to see

that I'm more in the fearful I can't

even say it I'm so nervous fearful

avoidant when you said a chaotic

environment including narcissistic

behavior

yeah I was like ding ding ding ding ding

ding ding and when I go ding ding ding

ding ding you know what means I'm

leaning in and I know that you as you're

listening are leaning in too and so

let's go even deeper into this concept

of core wounds what are the core wounds

of the three insecure attachment Styles

when we get into the insecure attachment

Styles this is where we can really see

the nuances that haven't been developed

before so anxious attachment Styles

their biggest core wounds are I will be

abandoned I will be be alone I will be

excluded disliked rejected not good

enough and unsafe and what we'll see is

they tend to feel this big trigger of

unsafety when people pull away because

in childhood we're very reliant on our

caregivers we can't literally cannot

survive without them and so what happens

is as children the anxious attachment

style when their caregivers pull away

they actually have a trauma response

like will I survive without them you

know as they're as they're gone and so

we really easily confuse and intertwine

survival with approval um as anxious

attachment Styles and that becomes

really prevalent in childhood and as

adults the anxious attachment style

they'll have a full like nervous system

reaction when somebody pulls away that

abandonment will really trigger also

this deep feeling of being unsafe I'm

just sitting here selfishly processing

and thinking about my family and my

relationships as I'm sure as you're

listening you're doing the exact same

thing there is no doubt in my mind that

our daughter Kendall has anxious

attachment style because I often say I

feel like you're human blankie yes and

if she has a

situation that is uh anything that would

make her nervous or anything that would

make her slightly uncertain yes there's

a phone call yes and you know that the

attachment style is kicked in because

then there's a second one and then there

might be a third one yes and is that

sort of a classic indication that you

feel this sense when you can't get a

hold of somebody this alarm Bell goes

off inside you and you're firing off the

text or you're calling them again or

you're checking their location is that a

good example of the type of behavior yes

that somebody with anxious attachment

absolutely and so what you'll see is

that these core wounds if you sort of

were to Trail them across you'd see that

core wounds when we feel like I'm

abandoned we start thinking thoughts

about they're never going to come back

or what if I can't get my needs met and

then this Sparks emotions and then we'll

feel those emotions and Neuroscience has

actually proven that every single

decision we make is based on our

emotions so then these actions happen at

a subconscious level where the anxious

preoccupied will cling and part of

what's happening is they're terrified of

losing proximity to people and they also

as children didn't ever learn to self

soothe consistently enough so they

really rely on other people to soothe

and when they can't Soo through other

people it will create problems um in in

terms of their ability to regulate and

so some other things you'll see beyond

core wounds is the needs anxious

preoccupied tend to have is they need a

lot of validation reassurance

consistency certainty is a huge one

especially in their romantic

relationships and and one of their big

Love Languages is around physical touch

they want to be close they want to be

nearby you'll see a lot of those sorts

of patterns anxious preoccupied

attachment cells are the sweetest they

are so kind they're so thoughtful they

really think about people they really

spend a lot of time focus on the the

people around them and so some of the

superpowers of the anxious attachment

cell is that they're very loving they're

very warm they're very kind they're

thoughtful they're supportive they

really go out of their way to think

about the people in their lives so they

have all these beautiful characteristics

they bring to relationships but because

their subconscious comfort zone is to be

so focused on other people the primary

casualty in that that relationship

becomes the relationship to themselves

and so they will constantly deprioritize

themselves put their needs last not

speak up for their needs because they

get into people pleasing behaviors and

actually all of those things that

they're doing are the Crux of why it's

so difficult to self soothe because if

you don't know your needs you can't meet

your own needs and you have all these

core wounds it becomes so difficult to

self sooe and they'll constantly try to

maintain that closeness and Soo through

others but when other people are not

available that's where it becomes really

tricky when it comes to trying to change

your behavior or trying to achieve

something or trying to achieve a goal

how does having uh this anxious

attachment style and the core wound of

Abandonment show up in terms of

sabotaging your ability to either be

consistent or to do the work to change

yourself in so many ways so so one of

the biggest things is like let's say

it's something in your workplace y

anxious attachment cells in the

workplace they'll often put themselves

last they'll put themselves on the back

burner they'll take on other people's

work and not set healthy boundaries and

all of a sudden they're behind on their

things because they're people pleasing

others and also if they have this huge

fear of Abandonment what happens is we

abandon ourselves right what our core

wounds are also become the biggest

things we reenact in the relationship to

self because the subconscious mind wants

to maintain its comfort zone so if you

see somebody with an abandonment core

wound they're so worried about getting

abandoned by others that they will

abandon themselves to please others and

that's actually how the wound stays

alive like if we ask ourselves hey those

wounds came from childhood 30 years ago

how are they still alive in me now oh

because I am reenacting them in

relationship to self through repetition

and emotion on a daily basis and if I

wasn't doing that they actually wouldn't

can still be here it's not possible so

so that's how the subconscious keeps

these things and so what the anxious

preoccupied has to do is learn to meet

their own needs reprogram their

subconscious core wounds and then be

able to actually consider themselves

equally to others like take their own

boundaries into consideration as as much

as they do with others and those things

become a huge part of the healing

process and we can talk about

subconscious reprogramming in a little

bit perhaps but but those tend to be

some really important things to

recognize in terms of the patterning and

then the very last thing I'll say is

just anxious to attachment Styles as

well if they have a goal yes and then

it's not even in the workplace it's a

personal goal and then their friends say

but I need you or then they you know

want to make social plans or commitments

they'll be so preoccupied with that that

they struggle to actually balance the

other areas of their life they'll be so

focused on relationships career can be

on the back burner finances mental

growth emotional growth spiritual all

those things can kind of take less

precedence which of course they'll feel

later over time because they're always

depressed prioritizing the self that

makes so much sense yeah if you look at

the anxious attachment style from a

standpoint of needs what are their core

needs yes the biggest needs that they

have and interestingly enough these have

to be the needs that they give to

themselves this is part of how they heal

through repetition and emotion of giving

these needs so the big needs are um

reassurance validation encouragement

support to be seen to be heard are

really really big people who um being

present with them and then really that

certainty and consistency like those are

the big ones and I think once we

discover that the the real like

discussion has to become well if for any

number of reasons I didn't get access to

that as a child part of healing is to

repetitively give that to myself now

because I'm leveraging principles of

neuroplasticity same thing repetition

and emotion that fire and wire neural

Pathways and if I'm leveraging those

principles then by giving those things

to myself y not only do I learn to self

sooe but also because if I have those

needs met the bucket's halfway full

right so I'm not panicked without

somebody else meeting them I'm actually

soothing myself I'm able to get there

and then it also heals and undoes the

past because we're changing the

programming at at the subconscious level

I want to ask you one scenario yes so

let's go back to the example of somebody

who's anxiously attached yes and they

say to themselves all right I'm not

going to bother my significant other at

work today and then they find themselves

getting that w of emotion and wanting to

send 15

texts what do you do in that moment if

the

solution to

reprogramming your subconscious is to

give yourself what you need what would

you do as you're standing there with the

phone yes amazing question so there's

ways to Pro to reprogram that are

proactive so that we can actually

recondition those wounds to begin with

so they stop coming back that's the real

Crux of everything but in the moment

until we've done the programming which

takes about 21 days what we want to be

able to do is make sure that we are in a

position where whatever it is that we

are needing from that person we want to

isolate so if you're needing from your

significant other like why what what are

you reaching out for what are you hoping

to get as the result are you needing

encouragement are you needing certainty

and if you can look at that and realize

hey I as a human being have the capacity

to give that to myself you can literally

think of if I could paint a picture of

what that encouragement would look like

from my spouse or from my friend or

whoever it is how can I give that to

myself inwardly and what's really

interesting is the subconscious mind

really wants a comfort zone so it it

doesn't like unfamiliarity because

ultimately the subconscious is survival

wired which means anything unfamiliar it

tends to reject it's part of why we end

up in the same types of relationship

patterns or the T same types of

situation so often so what happens is

originally when an anxious preoccupied

tries to give the need that they would

want from others to themselves instead

like if I want to encourage myself let

me write out three of my wins or let me

Journal about why I will be okay or if I

need certainty let me schedule out what

I'm needing or create structure in my

life at first it feels a little bit

forign this is always like the the thing

for anxious preoccupied they have the

hardest time meeting the needs

themselves more so than the other

insecure attachment Styles but as we

start doing it repetitively we start

creating these neural Pathways where it

becomes more comfortable so basically

what happens is over time through the

repetition and emotion of building that

into our comfort zone we usually have to

essentially use our ious mind to

recondition our subconscious mind so at

first it's more like mechanical for the

first little bit it definitely helps to

soothe in that moment but it won't feel

as soothing as what an anxious preoccupy

is seeking from somebody elsea but over

by about day seven of doing this

Behavior repetitively we start to build

a subconscious comfort zone around it

and by day 21 I mean I have seen at this

point thousands of people who are like

anxious preoccupied really afraid to

even be alone and spend time alone who

now come and say oh I actually love

spending time I'm alone I feel

comfortable with myself I've built this

relationship to myself I don't panic

anymore when my partner's not available

so this is something that's very

feasible it just takes that really first

seven days of commitment to start

feeling comfortable within it and by day

21 we see a tremendous difference that's

incredible so one other question before

we move on to the other um attachment

Styles if you're in a

relationship with somebody who has that

anxious attach style what is the best

thing for you to say or the best way for

you to show up

to I guess create more security for the

person like can you change somebody

else's attachment style like in how you

show up so in in theory yes because

anything we're exposed to through

repetition plus emotion has the impact

to reprogram so okay yes and if you're

dating somebody who's securely attached

there can be a benefit however there's a

big caveat to this okay which is that um

our subconscious mind because it wants

to maintain its comfort zone tends to

not be attracted to people who are very

secure if you're insecurely attached I

have heard countless fearful avoidant

attachment Styles just as an example um

say things like you know I started

dating somebody and there wasn't chaos

and it felt boring and anxious

preoccupied as well if somebody's too

present or too kind or too sweet or too

loving often they will sabotage it

because again at the end of the day the

subconscious mind is like I want what's

familiar familiarity equals safety which

equals survival and so if they grew up

with a lot of push pull a lot of hot and

cold and inconsistency the anxious

preoccupied will often reject somebody

who's really secure it's quite rare that

they'll actually invest and so I don't

want to take away from the idea that yes

in theory and in principle that happens

um rarely have I seen that actually be

the case in the years and years of

client practice I've been focused on

this but what I have seen is that when

we do that work in the relationship to

ourselves we get this two-pronged B

benefit which is on one side of the

equation we when we build a secure

attachment in the relationship to

ourselves because we start to meet our

own needs because we we reprogram our

core wounds all of a sudden now we are

securely attached to self and so now we

are actually attracted to securely

attached people who will show up for us

in a way that feels safe and familiar to

our subconscious mind and the second

part is that there's tremendous benefit

I mean doing the work helps you feel

healed helps you feel more confident and

and because it's really about the

relationship to ourselves at the end of

the day that will spill out into all

other areas of life be it career

Financial friendships family

relationships Etc taes that was a master

class in anxious preoccupied I can't

even say it my head is spinning so much

and I know as you've been listening to

taies you've now basically put half of

your family into that category but I

want to hit pause let us hear a word

from our sponsors they allow me to bring

this to you for zero cost but when we

come back don't you be anxious I want

you to stay attached I know I'm making

stupid jokes but we're going to go in

depth into the two other insecure

attachment Styles one is the dismissive

avoidance and the second one is the

fearful avoidance stay with

us welcome back it's your friend Mel I

am so happy you're still here because we

are just scratching the surface on what

you're about to learn about attachment

Styles we've already covered everything

you need to know about the anxious

attachment style we've got two more to

cover

first up dismissive avoidant attachment

that's a mouthful taies so how about you

tell us who is that person so because

this person grows up with that childhood

emotional neglect they tend to really

not want to emotionally attach to people

they tend to want to keep their space

they basically as children adapt to the

discomfort of emotional neglect because

we're all wired and attuned for deep

connection right so they adapt by going

well I don't need that I I'm just going

to not need it so I stop feeling this

pain and shame of rejection from it

because if you grow up as a child

yearning for that connection yearning to

be seen and we're literally biologically

wired for that just yearning for it all

the time becomes counterproductive

eventually that yearning is so pervasive

that the the person adapts by going I'm

going to reject the connection that's

rejecting me and that's how I'm going to

feel safe so there are big core wounds

because of that become I am defective

they definitely have this like core

wound of like I am shameful that's why I

couldn't get my needs met they're very

sensitive to criticism although they

will not show it they're too stoic to

show it very sensitive to criticism

though and they'll really withdraw and

they self sooth by literally pushing

everybody away and icing everybody out

because they really go inwards and they

usually rely on different Creature

Comforts for soothing like binge

watching television or eating a lot of

food or video games or these sort of

things that they can through yes exactly

exactly all of those things 100% what

are the core wounds for somebody with a

dismissive avoidance attachment style so

dismissible avoidance their big core

wounds are I am defective I will be

unsafe they really tend to not like

conflict they'll try to sort of retreat

from conflict a lot of the time until it

reaches sort of a threshold then they

may get involved um they tend to feel

trapped helpless powerless afraid of

being weak if they rely on others and

they actually tend to especially people

who grow up in a more severely

neglecting environment um tend to have

this deep wound and kind of fear that I

do not belong kind of like I'm an

outsider um because as a child if you

grow up in that environment you're not

getting to deeply connect with other

people it will really Foster that kind

of wounding so this individual is an

adult becomes a person who can be very

Charming charismatic wonderful early on

but when things get real they often get

afraid and so they will push people away

and they or withdraw is that like the

other like when you say push people away

it sounds very active and purposeful yes

but is withdrawing and isolating yes

that's actually a really beautiful

Nuance that you pointed out so

essentially there's this like this

Nuance that that I think is an amazing

Nuance which is the pushing people away

versus pulling away for sure the

dominant pattern with dismissive

avoidance is to pull away and to

withdraw and to really Retreat kind of

like a a a turtle going into their shell

um but we will definitely see dismissive

avoidance especially in like the earlier

dating stages of relationships actively

push people away by sabotaging the

relationship by leaving early um if they

feel like their feelings are too real or

it feels too raw for them they'll often

say okay I have to get out of here

that's it we're done and there can be

that push away Dynamic but when they're

actually in a committed relationship

you'll see a lot more of the pulling

away the withdrawing the retreating so

what are their needs because I'm married

to somebody who is always in his head

yes like he's very very kind-hearted yes

and yet isolates so quickly yes and is

absolutely checking the Box on

absolutely everything that you just said

yes and he has often said I really am

not sure what I need yes that is the

dismissible Wen

slogan but how do you then what do they

need if they don't know what they need

it's an amazing question and so what

you'll see is um the big needs that they

have are number one they really need to

feel safe in their relationships this

element of feeling that sense of safety

and consistency is really important

because as children they didn't feel

safe when they had that neglect going on

and they try to develop that sense of

safety just within themselves but they

often don't feel too safe relying on

other people beyond that they really

need even though they will never show it

they really need acknowledgement and

appreciation now they don't want like oh

you're the best partner in the world

they don't want these grandiose forms of

it they want the little things they want

hey I see that you're really trying here

thank you dismissive avoidance respond

extremely poorly to negative

reinforcement they respond extremely

positively to positive reinforcement and

what you'll see is if if you ask a

dismissible void for for a need to be

met and then they do it and you say hey

thank you I I see that you like really

showed up for that they get this sense

because you have to remember right if

you grow up as a dismissable voyant then

you don't get modeling for healthy

exchange and relationships you get

modeling for neglect for everybody being

ships passing in the night and so they

often feel really disempowered and

incapable of doing relationships in this

way I I you are literally describing my

husband know I wish I had known this

year one and our marriage I mean we're

at year 27 and are finally

unpacking the fact that and what you

just said is incapable yes that he was

so conditioned to be on his own y ship's

passing in the night fend for yourself

is the word that he used about his

childhood yes fend for yourself totally

and also this sense because it's been

very frustrating at times to to go

you're so capable in every other area

why the hell can't you just like exactly

think ahead about us or about the family

now a lot of things have changed but

this makes so much sense and and

dismissive avoidance often like you said

they're so capable they're very capable

because they had to mentally and

intellectually develop to fend for

themselves but they didn't really

emotionally develop the exchange in

relationships because that wasn't there

so they're almost stunted in their

growth emotionally there and that's part

of when we go to needs that that

appreciation and acknowledgement gives

them this idea that oh I can do this I

am doing this right and they respond so

positively when they get that

acknowledgement and appreciation now

beyond that some other needs that they

really have is they really tend to need

um empathy they really tend to fall into

like infatuation or liance if somebody's

really empathetic and supportive of them

it goes a very long way because again

these are deeply unmet needs from

childhood and so um that that sense of

supportiveness that sense of empathy

that sense of appreciation

acknowledgement safety all of those

things Harmony tends to be another huge

need in relationships but I would say

those Encompass their biggest needs the

really interesting thing the dismissive

void and has the subconscious comfort

zone so because of this what you'll see

is like they grow up they get neglected

who is the biggest neglector of the

dismissive avoidance emotions themselves

themselves and so part of their healing

just like for the anxious preoccupied is

to learn to give to themselves what they

didn't get access to in childhood

repetitively so when they can actually

start tuning into their feelings doing

some work to like be in their body you

know practicing like meditation or

breath work or things that are going to

Anchor them into parasympathetic or rest

in repair um nervous system mode what

you'll see is doing that getting their

feelings back online actually being okay

with their emotions not being afraid of

them realizing that their feelings are

just feedback they're just guidance

mechanisms building that relationship

back to their feelings is actually the

very thing that gives them emotional

bandwidth in their relationship sty

others wow so that becomes a huge part

along with giving themselves

appreciation giving themselves a sense

of support all the needs that they had

that we mentioned are going to be really

important for that well what's

interesting is that you know if you're

in a relationship with somebody who has

this

dismissive avoidant attachment style you

tend to get very

frustrated absolutely and so

you in your frustration are giving a lot

of negative reinforcement which makes

them only pull away more and act more

confused and more ashamed and more

avoidant of you and it makes sense that

the small specific consistent positive

thank you for this I see that you're

doing this I appreciate that thank you

for remembering this you're you're

creating this reciprocal exchange that

they never got in childhood yeah in the

context of goals so you have somebody

who is um uh dismissive dismissive

avoidant and they have personal

goals how do they

sabotage

their ability to take new actions to be

consistent to put themselves first great

question so often what you'll see is

there subconscious Comforts them because

there's a lot of this wounding of Shame

they often don't want to be seen so they

can avoid putting themselves in the

spotlight they can absolutely avoid

asking for help it's such a big Dynamic

where they will just they'll think they

have to do it all on their own all the

time and I'm sure you've probably

noticed this in your life as I have is

it's sometimes comfortable to do it all

on your own but you get so much further

ahead in life when you're working with

other people when you have people you

can learn from and learn with and

support each other and I think one of

the biggest pain points is that they

will literally get into a place where

they won't be open to that and they can

struggle to work in team sometimes they

can themselves out a lot so that would

be a big sabator in regards to work but

then personal goals can be that because

they have such a subconscious comfort

zone of needing safety needing Comfort

sometimes they can be ones to avoid

stretching themselves as much as um

other attachment Styles because they

kind of want to just Retreat into that

safety and comfort zone in their spare

time and part of what's happening is

they're actually dealing with a fairly

disregulated nervous system throughout

the day they're kind of in lowlevel

fight or flight a lot of the time and so

when they work or these commitments that

they have to do or have to show up for

they will often Retreat and go into just

soothing by themselves doing their own

thing at the end of the day which of

course then you're not putting those

that time into stretching into growing

yourself in other areas that makes so

much sense because you're right if

anxious attachment is high levels of

that fight ORF flight energy which I

think we all know somebody who's

anxiously attached who is a friend or

somebody that we're dating or somebody

in her family you can feel that

vibrational energy absolutely I also so

very much relate to the description of a

low level of that fight or flight fight

or flight yeah they may not show it on

the surface but they are up in their

heads withdrawing dealing with it

absolutely now one more scenario for the

dismiss of avoidant um can you give us

one with regard to

texting and uh reaching out to somebody

you're dating and what is the conflict

that a dismissive avoidant would have if

the anxious attachment person is okay

I'm not going to text him today I'm not

going to be clingy today and then

they're texting what does a dismissive

do dismissive Wen is almost the exact

opposite so they tend to get afraid of

people relying on them um to various

degrees because they feel like okay I

can I'm just here to take care of myself

they feel like it's a big commitment and

they also feel like it's a bit of an

injustice in that commitment like I

shouldn't have to do things I don't want

to do the really interesting thing thing

is that exactly what each attachment

style needs to do to become secure is

essentially if we could sort of

summarize it in a very high level

umbrella term it's like we are striving

for

interdependency anxious attachment cells

are super codependent I should meet all

of your needs you should meet all of

mine we never meet our own right

dismissive avoidance are very counter

dependent I should meet all my own needs

you should meet all your own needs and

we'll just sometimes come together right

what they each need to do to is to come

to Center I can meet my needs needs and

I can rely on myself to meet my needs

and feel empowered to do so and I feel

safe and comfortable expressing and

receiving from you and vice versa and

the dismiss of avoidant when it comes to

texting they sort of have this idea that

like I shouldn't have to text you if I

don't feel like it but part of their

growth is to allow people to rely on

them and and they will actually do

better at that when they learn that hey

I can rely on other people too there is

an exchange and there's something

beautiful about the exchange and what

we'll see is on the path of dismiss

avoidance becoming more secure they'll

start to rely on other people a little

more first and then they'll actually

feel good about it and then they'll

realize that they want to do that with

others and allow others to rely on them

and then when they get that positive

reinforcement like hey I see you showing

up thank you and they feel capable and

they feel encouraged that's where they

start to really move into

interdependency and they won't feel like

texting if they don't feel like it as a

chore and they'll be more Mindful and

more consistent this is so amazing and

you're right it is an incredibly helpful

framework to really

understand why some people are the way

that they are and we've covered a lot so

let me just recap where we are we've

covered what people with a secure

attachment style are like you have

described anxious preoccupied attachment

we've now just covered dismissive

avoidant attachment Styles and we got

one left and that is fearful avoidant

taes who are these fearful avoidant

attachment style people and what do they

show up like in life and can you tell us

about their core wounds okay so fearful

avoidance because of growing up in that

chaos they usually their their primary

wound is actually to struggle with trust

and it may not be trust in this really

overt way the way you would think but

fearful of WS are the most hypervigilant

they notice everything reading between

the lines on everything little tiny

micro expression change they thought

they saw it first little tiny change in

a pattern of behavior they noticed it

and fearful avoid actually have the most

core wounds they tend to have the core

wounds of the anxious they can fear

abandonment but what we'll see a lot for

fearful avoidance is they can want this

this connection they can feel afraid of

being abandoned or not good enough or

disliked or alone but if people get too

close too fast they can also go into

their very avoidance side feel very

afraid of being trapped helpless

powerless and then that's sort of

combined with this struggle to trust and

to feel safe opening up and relying on

other people so they really have both

sides what's interesting as well um is

that as you date somebody more avoidant

because the fearful wi kind of has

shared attributes of both sides it will

polarize you more into your opposite

side so make you more anxious exactly

they tend to have a little bit more

intensity a little bit more fire and

spice so we will generally see that

fearful avoidance they tend to be um you

know fairly High Achievers hard workers

they tend to be a little bit of

overcompensator sometimes um sometimes

this idea of like if you grow up in a

childhood where nothing kind of ever

good enough you can actually struggle

with a deep unworthiness core wound as

well and so really struggle to kind of

overcome that by showing up in all these

different ways obviously there can be

superpowers to that that can be super

beneficial but again the sort of

casualty in it can be the relationship

to self because it can be so much about

the outside world how you have to show

up for others fearful wouldn't show up

incredibly well for people in crisis but

they're so focused on other people

concerned with other people that again

they kind of lose that relationship to

self and the funny thing as well is that

you know with a fearful avoidant and

dismissive avoidant this is something I

noticed so much with my own husband is I

in the early stages realized I was much

better at communicating my needs because

I had done a lot of work on that but I

realized that I still had this element

of like expecting him to know my needs

when I would become critical or

negatively reinforced like you were

mentioning it was because I would hold

in my needs not make space for myself

put myself last prioritize everybody

else and then I would hold it in hold it

in anxious preoccupied can do that

forever fearful avoidance cannot they

hold it in they hold it in and then they

kind of become the volcano erupting

eventually and they will say something

harsh with their words or they'll cut a

little bit with how they speak and what

happened and what the learning for me

was was okay I have to be so good at

communicating my needs proactively and

that was actually part of my healing as

a fearful avoidant was to learn to like

consider myself as much as as I was

considering everybody else and so

fearful avoidance have this Dynamic of

being very on very intense personalities

they've had to struggle through chaos so

sometimes that subconscious comfort zone

is chaos they make very good

entrepreneurs because they tend to do

well outside of their comfort zone in

the chaos but part of the healing is

learning to be balanced and centered

learning to keep the relationship to

self and of course we have to do the

healing on the abandonment wounds and

the tra wounds you know both the anxious

and avoidant side but the real Dynamic

is to learn to trust could you say more

about the trust because I think when you

say the word

trust it to me I just think of oh do I

trust you do I not trust you and I

think on the surface I think I trust

people but as you're talking I'm feeling

like when I don't know what my needs are

I get very overwhelmed and chaotic

internally yes and how does that relate

to trust because there's this element of

not trusting your environment to be okay

there's this element at a deep level of

the trust isn't just and it can be of

course like that I don't trust somebody

won't lie or betray me the thing that's

really important to remember too is that

our attachment wounds become the loudest

and the most real for us when we

actually attach so we what does that

mean it means when we actually build an

emotional bond and start developing

feelings or open up or developing real

closeness so you may feel like oh I

trust the stranger on the street or the

person I just met but when we really let

somebody in that's when we'll feel

afraid that they might leave us or they

might betray Us by lying or through

infidelity or through not showing up in

a pinch when we really need them to be

there and so you'll see that those

elements can really represent trust but

at a deeper level because it really is

the relationship to ourselves first

we'll also see that trust shows up in

the way of of us not trusting the

outcome trusting the environment

sometimes we'll try to hypercontrol

things um or be five steps ahead of

everything to make sure you know and so

the the real um healing for that trust

wound actually becomes to look at all

the places we betray ourselves um and a

lot of that can be that we don't show up

for our own boundaries sometimes or we

say it's fine when it's not actually

okay or we agree to things and we say

yes when it's really a no and we don't

protect our space or you know there can

be ways that we betray or lie to

ourselves even like this is completely

an okay situation meanwhile you're just

floundering you know so there can be

these Dynamics where we do that and part

of the healing around trust is to

understand it in that context and then

as a result of that to be able to be

better in the relationship to ourselves

around those things and as we do that

better we'll learn to trust other people

because we'll also learn that people are

not perfect they're never going to be

perfect people will hurt us but the real

building of relationships doesn't come

from people being perfect it comes from

when somebody does hurt us we can be

vulnerable and say ouch that hurt that

didn't feel good for me can we work on

this together and allowing people that

chance to build that trust with you by

working on it and that's where we really

built those Deep Roots around trust you

know as I'm sitting here listening it

almost sounds as if the anxious and the

dismissive avoidant attachment

Styles it's typical for somebody to be

trapped in it and not really know their

needs and to be completely hijacked by

their emotions and if I'm reading

between the lines based on what you just

said about the fearful avoidant that you

do know when your boundaries being

violated you just don't do anything

about it it's a really nuanced thing but

it's really a powerful question what

tends to happen is that fearful

avoidance can be a little bit

dissociated from their from themselves

they can be a little bit like so focused

on the external world and their

commitments and there are things they

have to do that they can be a little bit

disconnected and generally what happens

is fearful ons will feel their emotions

very strongly when they feel them and it

will usually look like holding things in

but it's you may sort of have to reach

this pivotal threshold where the

emotions become strong enough because

the frustrations and the experiences are

big enough that now you reach this

threshold and it's almost like the

fearful wooden will go oh this person's

violated my boundaries wait a minute

they did this three weeks ago and four

weeks ago and five weeks ago and then

that frustration will really come to a a

head and and so yes there can be a

pushing down and a repressing but it's

almost so subconscious that it's not

even in the periphery and when it does

come to the threshold then the emotions

can be a little bit stronger so when it

comes to personal goals how does a

fearful avoidant sabotage their ability

to change great question they tend to

put so much pressure on themselves and

take on so much that eventually they can

kind of scatter themselves and be pulled

in too many places they also tend to put

the goals in the interest of other

people sometimes ahead of themselves and

again it's not that we should be always

putting ours ahead of everybody else we

want to get into equilibrium as much as

possible so like considering ourselves

equal to others as much as possible

whereas fearful avoidance tend to be

like put everybody first to a fault

until they're really frustrated and

reach that threshold so that can be a

sabator and then also fearful voidance

core wounds can get in the way right we

can come to believe okay I'm not worthy

of my goal or you know I don't deserve

it or I'm not good enough or I know for

myself something I learned on my own

Journey

um to being secure was that I used to

run a business all on my own and I

wanted to control things enough because

I didn't trust that other people could

do it properly and so and it was that

sort of trust wounding right like oh but

if I give this to somebody else or

delegate it they may not be able to do

it and they might make make a mistake

and so learning to rely on other people

with our goals learning to reach out for

that help and support and to delegate

can be a really important part of

building that trust as well so the good

news is

that you can go do subconscious work

because all of this stuff is running in

the subconscious of your brain yes and

you're not going to overpower it with

your conscious mind yes and the only way

that you are going to change how you are

showing up in relationships to yourself

and everybody else is to take care of it

in the subconscious 100% how do we do

that okay so the first thing is we want

to go back to the principles of

repetition and emotion that repetition

emotion of us being able to first meet

our needs like we talked about is a

really important pillar of healing the

second thing is we can talk about a

really simple tool to reprogram the core

wounds which is called Auto suggestion

so basically how autosuggestion works is

the first thing and I'll give a sort of

a background story here first or context

for it but the first thing is we want to

put ourselves in what we call a

suggestible state as somebody with a

background in hypnosis this is where

this comes from suggestable State

basically means that your brain is

producing mostly Alpha brain waves and

when you're in Alpha brain wave state

you're a lot more suggestible AKA your

subconscious mind is much more open to

suggestion or to being reprogrammed if

you've ever seen somebody in an alpha

State it's often after a deep meditation

it's the first hour that they wake up in

the morning the last hour before they go

to sleep or if you've ever seen somebody

when they're watching television and

you're like Bob Bob and like Bob's just

like in the television he's like in this

sort of trans like State when we watch

television we actually produce a lot of

alpha brain waves so we get into a State

easiest way is first thing in the

morning when you wake up okay but can I

just uh make sure I understand yes that

when you first wake up you are in the

alpha State yes but if you look at your

phone I'm assuming you will not be in

yourself out of it very quickly yes okay

so you're talking roll out of bed

absolutely and immediately the first

thing you do so that you can take

advantage of this Alpha state in your

brain where you're highly suggestible

which means highly programmable

everybody what are we doing so then what

we do is we take our first core wound

okay so the let's just use a really

simple one for argument sake so let's

say it's I'm not good enough okay now

how the hell do we figure out our core

wound so remember the anxious prac was

like abandoned alone excluded disliked

not good enough so we mentioned them all

before so hopefully people recognize

themselves in that attachment style so

far so if you go so the process is first

locate yourself in the attachment sty

second really dig into what does the

wound and what is the wound for you and

how is it showing up yes and I mean you

can like if you're not sure you can ask

yourself when I get triggered what am I

afraid the worst case scenario will be

like you can think of times you were

triggered and be like what am I really

afraid will happen next and that's a way

of kind of isolating it but as a general

rule vast majority of people are like I

have the abandonment core wound and they

feel it and they know and so so you can

pick the one that's really bothering you

the most if we started with one for each

it would be Abandonment for um anxious

attachment style it would would be um

betrayed for fearful avoidant but also

very strong secondary um uh abandoned or

trapped those also show up quite

strongly and dismissive void would be I

am defective so like I am shameful

essentially gotcha okay and and so we

pick the core wound that's bothering us

the most then we oppose it okay so

what's the opposite of the core wound

let's just use I'm not good enough I am

good enough now here's the really

interesting part but what if you don't

believe it like you know what I mean

like here's the thing like okay well if

my core wound that's been in my

subconscious for 50 years

that runs on repeat where I literally

look in the mirror and go that's a loser

that's the point right is that your

subconscious doesn't believe it and and

so we have to address like a lot of

people will do affirmations affirmations

are extremely limiting I'm a big not

believer in affirmations here's why your

conscious mind speaks language your

subconscious does not speak in language

if I say do not whatever you do think of

the Pink Elephant you can't help it like

you think of the Pink Elephant your

conscious mind here is do not your

subconscious mind do not is irrelevant

it just hears and sees Pink Elephant

right so what we have to do is we have

to understand the language our

subconscious mind speaks which is

emotion and imagery huh okay so we need

to leverage emotion and imagery for

reprogramming and we need to do it

repetitively because the repetition is

what fires and wires so if you think of

subconscious reprogramming three simple

ingredients repetition emotion imagery

the more you have of all of it the

better and the faster it will work okay

so if we have I am not good enough we

have to find emotion and imagery for I

am good enough so if you were to look

for memories if I were to say okay tell

me your favorite childhood experience

and close your eyes for it you would

close your eyes and you would start

talking about it and you would smile and

you would actually see the memory in

your mind's eye and the emotion is

actually the container or the memory is

the container for emotion there so you

would actually feel the emotion still in

that memory and you would see the images

so what we do for auto suggestion we get

in that suggestible state we get in that

relaxed space then we say okay what's

the opposite of my wound I am not good

enough I am good enough and then we find

10 pieces of evidence or memory for why

we are good enough so for example it

could be I graduated from this school

and we want to feel about it and see

ourselves walking across the podium or

you know getting our certificate and as

we do that our diploma and as we do that

we are actually using our conscious mind

to speak to our subconscious mind and we

are doing it repetitively so we are

firing and iring new paradigms of how

this works and then we ideally want to

divest not not feed into those old

stories those old narratives in the same

way but if we literally just do that 10

pieces of evidence in a suggestible

state to oppose our core wound for 21

days there are tremendous tremendous

results people will have and they can

actually drop these big core wounds that

they've been carrying forever that are

causing them in the first place to feel

all that Panic around abandonment or

fearing to really rely on people or open

up or fearing being trapped like we can

let those things go once and for all so

given that you've done this with more

than 31,000 people what is the coaching

that you have for somebody who is new to

this and they're sitting there saying to

themselves well I don't even know what

an image would be of me being loved you

might I'm sure this is the most common

objection you hear which is I can't

think of one I yes so what advice or

coaching do you have for the person

listening that's like okay I get it I'm

going to bathe in this emotion and these

visual images but I can't even come up

with one for I'm good enough or I'm

lovable how do you do this great

question and this is for sure like you

said one of the biggest sort of points

that people will hit where where they

will feel stuck so what we do is we

start general and then get specific so

if somebody's not open to seeing that I

am loved or I'm worthy of love we start

with things like it is possible to be

worthy of love and then we can even

start as general as looking for other

people who are similar to us or other

people we know and how we may share

characteristics so we're just trying to

the really interesting part is that

repetition and emotion will build

momentum so if we start with something

that just feels like a little stretch

outside of that subconscious comfort

zone because part of why we are also

like I have no idea is because we have a

comfort zone that's like no I am unloved

and I'm scared to even believe that I

could be loved because I every time I've

hoped for that it doesn't work so our

subconscious will try to like give us

that push back and that's normal for

some people it's they don't have much of

it at all because they're open to the

work and they're excited for other

people there will be like a specific

wound they get stuck on and so we start

really General so we would say something

like it is possible to be loved and if

you still don't feel resonance with that

we can say it is possible for all people

to be loved and look for other evidence

of other people you've seen with Sim

similar characteristics build love

connect and people connect with people

create that loving relationship and we

can start there and what we'll see is

generally around day seven people will

start to have like a little bit of that

resonance and feel good about it and

when we start feeling like oh okay this

is believable for me now I can see

myself coming into resonance that's

where we stretch again we say okay it is

possible for me to be loved not just all

people to be loved and then we stretch

again and the other thing too is people

don't have to come up with like 10 new

things every day we can hack this system

we can record it in our phone and we can

just listen to it back and feel about it

for 21 days if we want to shortcut and

streamline the process but it's just the

repetition and emotion that we really

need there with that imry I want to go

um a step deeper and make it even more

Tactical

because I want you listening to try this

so if you're in the camp where you

cannot come up with any emotion or

imagery around I am lovable or I am

loved or I'm capable of Love or what was

it that you said I'm worthy of love all

people are worthy of Love yeah so so if

you're in that camp of I'm you know I'm

worthy of love you can't even get that

for yourself and you go okay I'll do the

statement uh it is possible that other

people are capable of loving yes do you

then find eight sort of images could

even be memes of people that are hugging

or of people that are greeting their dog

or of people that are buying somebody

the coffee behind them in line these

kind of Acts of love that you have seen

other people do and if you take those 10

and you either write them down every day

and kind of visualize that moment or you

make a recording of yourself saying here

are 10 examples that love is possible

that people are capable of Love or

worthy of love and then you describe

them and you do that over and over and

over when you start to feel the

momentum then you say you know what it's

possible that I'm worthy of Love Yes

okay absolutely and and actually it's

really interesting because the there's

three ways the subconscious mind gets

programmed so what we see repetitively

or what's modeled to us what we hear

repetitively and what our firsthand

experiences are so if we don't if we

can't find for experiences if we can't

find times we heard something then we

can actually go and see like what's

modeled around us and just the exposure

and proximity to that through repetition

over time will absolutely do the trick

taes I just love that people can use

that simple tool to begin to change

their attachment style and I also love

knowing I can change my attachment style

because what you're offering is not only

this awesome framework but you're also

offering a simple way for any one of us

to reprogram our subconscious mind that

is so cool and I also want to thank you

because you have put together a special

bonus meditation for the listeners of

the Mel Robin's podcast and that is so

generous of you and let me just tell you

a little bit about this meditation so

you know what to expect so taise

recorded this meditation as a gift to

you it is designed to be listened to 21

days in a row and here's how you can

find it it's the very next episode of

the Mel Robbins podcast we also put a

link in the show show notes but the

title is this daily meditation listen

for 21 days to reprogram your

subconscious and again it is already

there waiting for you right after this

episode and it's designed to be listened

to for 21 days in a row it's one of the

tools that taes uses with her private

clients and it's something that you can

use and share in your own life taes can

you just give the person listening a

sense of the impact of this meditation

yes and so you can shed all the stuff

we've been carrying for so long I mean

sometimes we have all these like wounds

and they show up everywhere and they

interfere in so many different areas but

to actually drop them and to not have

them that you they're popping up and you

have to cope all the time and backtrack

and apologize like to not live like that

is very freeing amazing amazing thank

you thank you thank you for being here

you thank you this is I'm honored to be

here so grateful for for you having me

well I'm grateful too I learned that I

did not have the attachment wound that I

thought I did that's good news and I

know what to do about it so what you're

doing is really important I am just in

awe of how simple this framework is and

how powerful it is if you truly start to

apply this to your life I also want to

thank you for opening my eyes to the

fact that my attachment style is not

what I thought it was because that

Insight is going to allow me to make my

marriage even better and one more thing

as you're listening could you just send

a little positive energy to taies and

help me thank her for the bonus

meditation that she created specifically

for you please check it out next listen

to it 21 days in a row I can't wait to

hear the impact that it's had on your

life and if nobody else tells you this

today let me be the person to tell you I

love you I believe in you and I believe

in your ability to become the most

secure and the happiest version of

yourself I'll see you in a few days and

thank you thank you thank you for being

here on YouTube if you have not already

subscribed please please please

subscribe only 35% of the people that

watch this channel are subscribers I'm

trying to get it to 50% so please just

hit the button there and you looking for

the meditation I knew you were you can

watch that next