Relationship Red Flags Backed by Science | Dr. John Gottman

So you can predict divorce. Um what

exactly are you looking for when you

observe a couple and what's the science

behind it?

Well

um it depends on the situation that

you're observing them in. Uh if you're

observing them just hanging out uh you

see what looks like a real willful

attempt to disconnect uh what Irving

Gooffman called away behaviors. I'm not

interested in you. I'm not connected to

you. And so whatever you feel and

whatever you need doesn't impinge upon

me. I don't have to respond to that. You

know, that sort of colossal disinterest

uh when they're just hanging out is

really a sign of of that this

relationship is not going to work. And

especially in moments where the partner

is reaching out, you know, is making

themselves vulnerable and saying, "Hey,

you know, look at this. Join me, you

know, in being interested in something,

you know, watching a boat, you know,

looking at a bird. Uh, join me in a

conversation about your brother because

I'm worried about your brother."

Something like that. And and what

predicts divorce is really the person is

saying, "No, I'm not going to respond to

that. I'm not going to I'm not going to

respond to your emotions and your your

desire to connect with me. During

conflict, of course, you know, what we

find is that uh when people have a ratio

of positive to negative emotion that is

less than 5:1, that's a really good

predictor.