The Prince Andrew Plan Cold Open | SNL UK

In 1997, MI5's top agents gathered in

TM's house for a secret meeting. This is

that meeting.

[cheering]

[applause]

>> Director Prince Andrew is here for his

briefing. Your majesty. Thank you.

>> I came as soon as I could.

>> Thank you, your majesty. We appreciate

that with the recent passing of Diana,

this is a difficult time for the family.

[applause]

>> She was such a beautiful woman.

>> Prince Andrew, [clears throat] no one

knows better than us how charming,

capable, fiercely intelligent, and

morally upstanding you are.

>> You are a credit to princes everywhere.

>> You're too kind. Since the death of

Diana, the public have turned on Prince

Charles. But still, one day he will be

king. We need to make him look good.

>> There's no easy way to say this, your

highness. We have deduced that the only

way to increase the likability of our

future king is to decrease the

likability of everyone around him.

[laughter]

>> I see. Well, I love my brother. I love

my country. And I'm willing to do

whatever it takes.

>> We hoped you'd say that.

We [laughter] have prepared a 29-year

plan

to slowly BUT SURELY MAKE THE ENTIRE

COUNTRY think you [laughter] are a well

have a little read.

Huh?

Uh,

it's [clears throat]

Huh. [laughter]

>> We're aware it's a lot. And and you

actually want me to do all of this

stuff.

>> Sadly, yes.

>> Even the part about befriending a

notorious pedophile.

>> That's an important part of it. Yeah.

[laughter]

>> Before and after he's convicted. Right.

Okay.

>> Of course.

>> Uh and there's absolutely no other way

to make my brother look good.

>> WELL, WE'RE ALSO GOING TO PUSH an

environmental angle for him, but it will

be halfassed.

>> This all seems very high risk. God, I'm

I'm sweating.

>> Of course you are, Andrew. Of course you

are. But surely you can't make everyone

around Charles unlikable. I mean, what

about William? He's so handsome.

>> We're seeing to that.

[laughter]

>> And Harry,

>> he's going to marry a woman 98% of the

UK public will find it impossible to

have a normal conversation about.

>> Oh, heavens. I'm afraid this will kill

mommy when the news comes out.

>> Turn to page 72. It will.

>> Gosh, I'm afraid of doing this alone.

Isn't there anyone in government who can

go on this journey with me?

>> Send in Agent Mlesson.

>> Gentlemen, [laughter]

>> Peter Mles,

the most honorable ethical politician we

have. [laughter]

No one will believe he's corruptible.

I'm sorry, Andrew. The responsibility on

our shoulders, it's more than any man

can bear. [laughter]

>> And are people going to think you did

all this stuff?

>> Kind of.

>> Well, for Britain, [clears throat] I'm

in.

>> I'm in, too.

>> Oh, FERGIE.

[laughter]

>> Sorry I'm late. What do you need?

>> Nothing, Fergie. You've done so much

already.

>> What's she doing here? But we got

divorced a year ago.

>> Agent Ferguson has been on the payroll

since ' 86. You [laughter] wouldn't

believe how good she's made you guys

look by comparison.

>> I know. And I know I can do more, go

further, be more odd.

[laughter]

I could drop more nudes, suck more toes,

make my walk even weirder.

[laughter]

The one thing that might help if you if

is if you stay by Andrew's side, live

with him without explanation for the

next 29 years. [laughter]

>> Sure. I was going to do that anyway.

>> And remember, your highness, if you're

ever in too deep, just say the code word

and we'll step in to save you.

>> What's the code word?

>> Pizza Express. [laughter]

Woking.

I'm not sure how I'd ever fit that into

a conversation,

but I'll make it sound as natural as

possible.

>> Good man. Good man.

>> Well, here goes nothing. Gentlemen,

thank you and say goodbye to the man you

know and love. I'll see you in 2026

where I can finally hold my head up HIGH

AND SAY LIVE FROM LONDON. [cheering]