How to be confident (even if you’re not) | Montana von Fliss | TEDxBellevueWomen

Transcriber: Cristina Muñoz Reviewer: Raúl Higareda

Picture this,

you’re going on a boat trip,

and you get on board with your family, and you got your bags,

and the captain comes out to greet you and says,

“Hi, Um... My name is Montana... Von Fliss.

Uh, so... I’ll be your captain for this journey...

(Exhales)

So, uh...

(Laughter)

Oh, boy... Let’s just have a great trip. Sorry.”

(Laughter)

Nope. Get me off of this boat.

(Laughter)

What we want in that moment is for the captain to walk out and say,

“Hi, my name is Montana Von Fleiss, I’ll be your captain for this journey.

Let’s have a great trip.”

The point is, when you are the speaker, you are the captain for that journey,

and how you show up really matters.

For the last 17 years,

I’ve coached thousands of speakers all over the world,

from big tech companies to small startups,

and everyone, from new hires to CEOs of Fortune 500 companies,

want to know, how do you show up and look confident?

So I’d like to share my top five tips for how to be confident,

even if you’re not.

So let's break it down.

What was the difference between those two captains?

What did you see? What did you hear?

And not just, “One seemed nervous, one seemed confident.”

But what was I doing differently to make you think that?

Different volume, different words, certainly different body language.

But the truth is, I wasn’t feeling particularly confident.

I was just making certain physical and vocal choices to make you think that.

You can do that too.

Anyone can do this.

So, what are those confident-looking choices?

Number one.

Turn up the energy and speak up.

When you speak up, even just a little bit,

it reads as confident, and you don’t have to shout.

Think about it this way. On a scale of 1 to 10, aim for a 5.

Yes, it goes to 11,

(Laughter)

but you can just aim for a five. I’m here at a five right now.

I can bring it back down to a three here. Nervous captain was here.

And we bring it back up to a five,

and it sounds prepared, positive, and confident.

So turn up the energy and speak up.

Number two.

Pause... like a boss.

(Laughter)

Nervous speakers tend to talk really fast, right?

And when they do have a pause,

they fill it in with verbal filler, likes and ums.

However, if you try to speak more slowly, it just sounds like this, right?

And that's not better.

So instead, make strategic pauses.

Pause in transition.

Pause for emphasis.

Pause... like a boss.

(Laughter)

Number three.

Superhero stance.

Imagine you are a superhero. You can do it from your chair.

How would a superhero sit?

Yes. Let that change your posture. I see you. Yes.

Let that bring a smile to your face and have some better eye contact.

All of that reads as confident,

and pretending to be a superhero is just a super quick way

to have confident-looking body language.

Now, this one also goes to 11.

(Laughter)

But you can just aim for a five, and that will be great.

Tuck in that cape and go save the day.

And you can stand in superhero backstage to boost your confidence,

but I’m saying bring that superhero stance on stage

so that your audience sees you as confident.

And if you need an easy shortcut, just make the shape.

Just make the shape of a confident person.

The audience cannot read your mind.

They don’t know how you’re feeling,

so just make the shape and they will go with it.

Like, if you came over to my house for dinner

and I opened up the door and I was like,

“Hi, come on in, we’re having chicken.”

(Laughter)

You’d be like, “Oh, is this a bad time?”

(Laughter)

You know, you’ve got to make the shape of a good host.

Make the smile shape, right?

Instead of crossed arm shape, open up.

“Hi, welcome. Come on in.”

If you’re not sure if you’re making confident-looking choices,

you can just video yourself and watch it back.

I feel like I just saw you say, “Um, not doing that one.”

(Laughter)

I know most people don’t like to watch themselves, I get it.

But wouldn’t you rather...

make that adjustment before you’re in front of your audience?

Yes.

Videoing yourself is a great way to check in

to see that you’re doing the techniques,

but also to see that it’s still authentically you,

your version of confident captain.

Now, how can you do all of these things on performance day?

Number four.

Practice with purpose.

So, make yourself a rehearsal schedule.

Put it in your calendar.

You can give yourself a little treat when you do a run through.

And make it practice with purpose by giving yourself a specific goal

or layering in one new confident captain technique each day.

If it’s a week before your event,

aim to run it all the way through at least once a day.

If you have no time for a run through, just take the opening and closing,

and run that three times in a row from anywhere.

When you’re in the shower, when you’re walking your dog,

when you’re making a meal for your kids.

I know my kids are very used to me walking around the house talking to myself.

Whatever you need to do to get in those repetitions.

And don’t be afraid of over practice.

Don't let that stop you.

You can just let go of your verbatim script if it’s starting to sound robotic.

And you can still use bullet point speaker notes

to remind yourself of what you would like to say

and to invite you to say it a little bit differently each time to keep it fresh.

And let me be clear,

by practice, I mean standing up, saying it out loud,

imagining your audience and inviting them in,

clicking through your slides,

doing it as much like it will be on the day,

whether it’s virtual or in person.

And I know it might feel a little funny saying it out loud to yourself,

but think about when you learn a new sport,

or when you practice a musical instrument.

If you had a piano concert on Friday, and you got new music on Monday,

would you only read your music every day

and then play it for the very first time at the concert on Friday?

No way.

And yet, I see speakers do this all the time.

Give yourself a chance.

Practice helps everything.

And it can really boost your confidence to practice with purpose

by layering in one new technique each day.

Okay, those first four techniques, they’re all about how to appear confident,

regardless of how you’re feeling.

I’ve got one more technique for you, and it’s a big one.

But this is the real gem.

It's the one that makes all the others shine.

This is number five, the silent sentence.

This is about what you choose to tell yourself.

I’ve been a professional actor since I was a kid,

and I have always loved going on stage as an actor,

as a speaker, as an emcee.

And, at the same time, I have often been not just nervous,

sometimes downright terrified to step on a stage.

I’m shaking, I’m sweating, and I’m like,

“What was I thinking? Why do I do this to myself?”

And all these unhelpful voices flood in.

And I just tried to make it stop, push it away.

And of course that never worked.

And I kept going on stage because I love it.

And years later, when I became a speaker coach,

I got asked to do all these professional presentations,

and they went well,

but I still had no way to deal with that massive anxiety.

And I was like, “What can I do?”

And I thought, “Well, what am I telling myself?”

“What if you mess up? You better be perfect.”

I realized I was giving myself an impossible instruction to be perfect.

And that really was not working.

But what would work? What would be a better message?

And to figure that out, I had to go back to square one.

Like, what do I want?

Why did I say yes to this speaking gig?

What is my deeper purpose here?

And I realized at the heart of it,

I just want to help my audience to the best of my ability.

And when I said that, I noticed everything change.

And that's where I found my first silent sentence.

I want to help my audience to the best of my ability.

When I said it, even silently to myself, it acted like this override switch.

Like I might still be shaking and sweating,

but now I have this higher goal, this deeper purpose,

and everything aligned to that.

And that became my highest priority.

I want to help you.

And now, that thought replaced those unhelpful thoughts

and everything went better in my performance.

And I was like, “Yes, it worked. Yay!”

And then I was like, “Wait, how do I do this every time?

Especially when the stakes are high.”

And it dawned on me,

if I’m writing and crafting the words I say out loud,

why not write and craft the words I say silently to myself?

Put it in the script. It’s the silent part of the script.

So now, every time I rehearse,

every time I walk onto a stage,

every time I join a virtual meeting,